If the Door is Closed, Start Looking for a Window

"Your unhappiness is telling you something." ~ Ragdoll

I've been waking up feeling very anxious lately and I'm not entirely sure why. The frustrating thing is that often times there is no clear explanation.

Friday morning I woke full of dread and a story in my brain I'd read the night before about Islamic militants in Iraq beheading Christian children. Quite a way to start the day, the remainder of which was spent axe decidedly to the grindstone right until 6 p.m.

I look at LinkedIn these days the way I used to look at my bank account.

I'd log in, fire up my balance summary and had the feeling that if I just stared at the numbers long enough, more money would somehow magically appear or that I'd gain some glimmer of insight that would reveal the extra money I'd overlooked.

As it is, the only thing that's helped my bank account is remaining employed, sticking to a budget as best I can and regaining the tenets of a normal life. The is no magic, no calvary, no Delphic oracle with some elusive answer. The road back has been step by step by step. Every month, things get a little better and a little more stabilized, despite the addition of more expenses at times, like my tax payments...ahem.

But that's the trade off you make with freelancing and freelancing is what has made the difference between bills getting paid and not. I'm very very grateful for that and despite my general feelings of pessimism lately, I do understand fundamentally that things are better in my life than they were before, and realistically, will continue to get better.

But I now find myself staring at my LinkedIn message area, like I did with my bank account, trying to will some recruiter to ping me about an amazing opportunity that will magically transport me out of the advertising industry. I think that's what the anxiousness has been about. There is just too much work and not enough time or people to do it. I was leaving Friday night and stopped to chat with a client service person who I really enjoy working with and who is really good at what she does. She just looked so downtrodden. She told me she hadn't been able to sleep until 2 am and then woke up at 5 am. She was exhausted.

"I don't know who I am right now." she said. She was that tired from all the work she's had on her plate.

I could completely relate. Advertising is a sector that has some great aspects, but overall the last few years of working in it have been a soul crushing experience to which I'm craving an expeditious end.

Except I can only drive things so far. You can only make so much happen on your own. I remember after losing my job a couple of years ago spending a gruelling and delirious summer trying to find work. The mistake I made then was not considering freelance. It just didn't occur to me. So I focused my efforts on finding a full time permanent role.

And at least in that situation, I did get quite a few interviews from straight forward resume submissions in response to job ads. I don't know if something's changed, but I'm almost at the point where I don't want to make the effort to apply to job posts any more. It's a lot of work and it's been an absolute Road to Nowhere. I'm convinced there's a black hole in the galaxy that consists solely of unread resumes.

Instead I've been working on making my LinkedIn profile better, going through my vocational counselling to find other avenues, and getting in touch with former colleagues to let them know I'm looking. In fact my vocational counsellor said that's one of the best ways to get a job, through referral, and she was thrilled I'd done it and that I'm planning a phase 2 where I'll get in touch with recruiters. She said she literally sees people for months on end who do nothing to help themselves to find other avenues for getting a new job. I guess everyone gets there when they get there.

All I know is that I've haven't been this motivated to change a situation in quite some time. So all I can do is show up and work hard to do what I can to change it. It's frustrating, and I sometimes don't know if I'm doing all I can and doing it correctly, but I take some solace in the fact that I'm not feeling so overwhelmed by things that I can't even consider any action.

And I can't help but believe that despite my ambivalence, my work in Advertising has not been futile. I truly believe that on some level it's preparing me for something else. What that is remains to be seen.