A new year is almost upon us. For me, 2010 has been inspiring and utterly heartbreaking all at the same time. I feel like I have learned a lot about myself, that I have grown up in some very meaningful ways and am better prepared for the future. In others I feel very childlike, as if I am ambling like a toddler through a terrain with which others are already well acquainted.
I am trying to sort myself out.
* * *
Since my last posting, I did manage to get back to yoga. The first two weeks after my bad respiratory virus, I did restorative yoga on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The Tuesday night class was more active, with 20 minutes of poses and I was very heartened when my teacher noted that I was a lot stronger since I last saw her. I have to admit, it was a great feeling to barrel through poses I had struggled with in the past, to experience them in a completely different way.
The Thursday night class was more passive in the sense that you have a practitioner working with you to move you through all the poses and stretches. There's atmospheric music, blankets, aromatherapy and comfy padding. It's totally deluxe and I feel like I've had a full body massage by the time I'm done.
I lasted two weeks of doing Tuesday and Thursday yoga as well as weight training and then the pace of things started to get to me. It was tough getting home late five nights a week and I had to ease it back in order to keep going.
Post holiday budget armageddon, I'm hoping I have enough money to book more classes and get into some more active yoga. It's a good counter to my weight training and cardio [such as it is these days.] It balances me out and makes me feel good about myself.
Since my last posting, I did manage to get back to yoga. The first two weeks after my bad respiratory virus, I did restorative yoga on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The Tuesday night class was more active, with 20 minutes of poses and I was very heartened when my teacher noted that I was a lot stronger since I last saw her. I have to admit, it was a great feeling to barrel through poses I had struggled with in the past, to experience them in a completely different way.
The Thursday night class was more passive in the sense that you have a practitioner working with you to move you through all the poses and stretches. There's atmospheric music, blankets, aromatherapy and comfy padding. It's totally deluxe and I feel like I've had a full body massage by the time I'm done.
I lasted two weeks of doing Tuesday and Thursday yoga as well as weight training and then the pace of things started to get to me. It was tough getting home late five nights a week and I had to ease it back in order to keep going.
* * *
I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't discouraged by my weight right now. I'm discouraged in the sense that I'm still not at a normal weight and can't wear clothes I want to wear. Plus I'm impatient by nature, so this only compounds things. I've just accepted this and acknowledged it, but at the same time have also focused mental energy on the positive things I have accomplished in the past year. Some of these things include:
Being able to military press 50 lbs. I can't remember my rep count on this, but it was definitely more than five reps and a personal best.
I went from 24 sits up on an exercise ball damn well near killing me to being able to hold myself up in a "V" position [bent knees] while my trainer throws me a 12 lb medicine ball from both sides. I do two sets of 15 reps both sides.
The Return to the Land of Normal - This marked the first year I could shop for clothing in a lot of normal sized stores. Granted, I fit into their large and extra large sizes, but they are not plus size stores. I also bought new winter boots today, boots that I love and that wouldn't have fit over my ankles a year ago. I'm down three full sizes. It's nice to have options.
I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't discouraged by my weight right now. I'm discouraged in the sense that I'm still not at a normal weight and can't wear clothes I want to wear. Plus I'm impatient by nature, so this only compounds things. I've just accepted this and acknowledged it, but at the same time have also focused mental energy on the positive things I have accomplished in the past year. Some of these things include:
Being able to military press 50 lbs. I can't remember my rep count on this, but it was definitely more than five reps and a personal best.
I went from 24 sits up on an exercise ball damn well near killing me to being able to hold myself up in a "V" position [bent knees] while my trainer throws me a 12 lb medicine ball from both sides. I do two sets of 15 reps both sides.
The Return to the Land of Normal - This marked the first year I could shop for clothing in a lot of normal sized stores. Granted, I fit into their large and extra large sizes, but they are not plus size stores. I also bought new winter boots today, boots that I love and that wouldn't have fit over my ankles a year ago. I'm down three full sizes. It's nice to have options.
* * *
I had brunch with Indigo last weekend at Nadege and as always, parted from her company feeling inspired. I went across the street to the Japanese Paper Place and bought myself a couple of pink mole skin note books for me to start using during my training. I'm going to start writing down what I do so I can keep track of it myself. Obviously my trainer does this already, but I find that things just aren't sticking in my brain. I don't have the level of competence yet to be able to say "I'm going to train this, this and this today at these weights..." This is the next logical step for me. Indigo was talking about how she tracks her physical progress in writing and makes notes of her goals, so I decided I would do the same.
I had brunch with Indigo last weekend at Nadege and as always, parted from her company feeling inspired. I went across the street to the Japanese Paper Place and bought myself a couple of pink mole skin note books for me to start using during my training. I'm going to start writing down what I do so I can keep track of it myself. Obviously my trainer does this already, but I find that things just aren't sticking in my brain. I don't have the level of competence yet to be able to say "I'm going to train this, this and this today at these weights..." This is the next logical step for me. Indigo was talking about how she tracks her physical progress in writing and makes notes of her goals, so I decided I would do the same.
* * *
I've stumbled across a theme lately in blogs, articles and the like that I've been reading. They're written by women who are recollecting the power of their youth and beauty in some respect and how they are feeling the loss of these things or a if not an outright loss, at least a transitioning away from these things to another phase in their life in which other things are more important.
I don't remember my youth as a time of power in any real respect. I remember a sort of blind hope and optimistic feeling about my future, a sense that somehow I would be able to stumble along, figure it all out somehow and get to where I wanted to go, that unique giddiness one feels when you know there is more time ahead of you then behind.
But powerful? No. Beautiful? No.
It's the latter in particular that keeps coming up; women noticing they don't get checked out as much as they used to or not having a tummy as effortlessly tight and flat as it was when they were in their twenties. I have to say I just can't relate to this at all, at least not right now, where I am and based on my experiences. It's only in retrospect that I realize there were men in my past that were attracted me. But I certainly didn't think at the time that I had beauty that could get me any thing, any man or get me ahead in any respect. And I certainly didn't feel strong physically.
I suppose if being overweight has any gift, it's that you learn to rely on more internal measures to get what you want out of life. But the price you pay, at least as I see it, is that the full cross section of experience is closed off to you. That's what a big part of my personal training has been about, getting myself back into my whole body, not just living from the collar bone up.
Still, it's all well and good to be able to climb Mt. Kilamanjaro if I want to, but fitting into a size 10 dress would be nice too.
I got a new car a couple of weeks ago. It's a 2011 Subaru Impreza and I love it. I just couldn't take another winter of worrying about another major repair bill. I'd rather know what I'm paying month to month and have big repairs covered by a warranty. I'm glad I did it and I'll worry about what I'll do with the buyback 3 years from now. Although it's an automatic, and not as engaging to drive as my Forester, I have to admit that overall I'm just physically more comfortable in my new car. I think my legs are perhaps too short to drive manual well in that I always seemed to be so far forward.
It's also amazed me how much joy a purely material and utilitarian possession can give.
I want to write here about my trips to Scotland this year and about my uncle. But not yet.
I've been having some strange dreams this week, almost like I have been mentally cleaning house. I have to admit, I've awoken feeling lighter the last couple of days.
In one I saw my maternal Grandfather. He died when I was 17 and I have never dreamed of him. [I do believe I saw his ghost once but that's another story.] Anyway, my grandfather was sitting at a table and smiled when he saw me. I could hear my Granny talking in the background and I was just so happy to be with them both.
In another dream, the first man I ever loved turned to me and kissed me. Afterward, he said that he was sorry for having hurt me.
I've stumbled across a theme lately in blogs, articles and the like that I've been reading. They're written by women who are recollecting the power of their youth and beauty in some respect and how they are feeling the loss of these things or a if not an outright loss, at least a transitioning away from these things to another phase in their life in which other things are more important.
I don't remember my youth as a time of power in any real respect. I remember a sort of blind hope and optimistic feeling about my future, a sense that somehow I would be able to stumble along, figure it all out somehow and get to where I wanted to go, that unique giddiness one feels when you know there is more time ahead of you then behind.
But powerful? No. Beautiful? No.
It's the latter in particular that keeps coming up; women noticing they don't get checked out as much as they used to or not having a tummy as effortlessly tight and flat as it was when they were in their twenties. I have to say I just can't relate to this at all, at least not right now, where I am and based on my experiences. It's only in retrospect that I realize there were men in my past that were attracted me. But I certainly didn't think at the time that I had beauty that could get me any thing, any man or get me ahead in any respect. And I certainly didn't feel strong physically.
I suppose if being overweight has any gift, it's that you learn to rely on more internal measures to get what you want out of life. But the price you pay, at least as I see it, is that the full cross section of experience is closed off to you. That's what a big part of my personal training has been about, getting myself back into my whole body, not just living from the collar bone up.
Still, it's all well and good to be able to climb Mt. Kilamanjaro if I want to, but fitting into a size 10 dress would be nice too.
* * *
I got a new car a couple of weeks ago. It's a 2011 Subaru Impreza and I love it. I just couldn't take another winter of worrying about another major repair bill. I'd rather know what I'm paying month to month and have big repairs covered by a warranty. I'm glad I did it and I'll worry about what I'll do with the buyback 3 years from now. Although it's an automatic, and not as engaging to drive as my Forester, I have to admit that overall I'm just physically more comfortable in my new car. I think my legs are perhaps too short to drive manual well in that I always seemed to be so far forward.
It's also amazed me how much joy a purely material and utilitarian possession can give.
* * *
I want to write here about my trips to Scotland this year and about my uncle. But not yet.
* * *
I've been having some strange dreams this week, almost like I have been mentally cleaning house. I have to admit, I've awoken feeling lighter the last couple of days.
In one I saw my maternal Grandfather. He died when I was 17 and I have never dreamed of him. [I do believe I saw his ghost once but that's another story.] Anyway, my grandfather was sitting at a table and smiled when he saw me. I could hear my Granny talking in the background and I was just so happy to be with them both.
In another dream, the first man I ever loved turned to me and kissed me. Afterward, he said that he was sorry for having hurt me.
1 comments:
Bull. I don't know you but I'll bet dollars you are beautiful. You just don't see it.
I suspect that some of those posts on beauty may be part of BlogHer's (I work for them) Own Your Beauty campaign.
You ARE beautiful.
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