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Sunday, February 01, 2009
The Sunday Dreads
"Despite all my rage,
I am still just a rat in a cage."
- - Smashing Pumpkins
Warning: Rant forthcoming.
This weekend was one of those blissful weekends where I had a minimal amount to do. I love seeing friends, getting caught up on chores, shopping and the like. But I find I have to be careful. After a weekend filled with the aforementioned, I can easily head back to work Monday morning feeling like I've had no down time at all. I'm a homebody at heart, and I'm quite content to spend a lot of time at home watching TV, reading a book and generally hiding out from the world. I need to occassionally have some time filled with doing nothing more than what I want to do, or filled with just doing nothing period.
Despite having a lot of time on my hands, it's been one of those weekends where all my brain has done has played and replayed the excruitating week that was at work, a week that was immensely challenging because it was one of those situations where people released information they shouldn't have, which meant my area went from being on track to behind deadline.
And I can deal with that, because most people aren't sociopaths and most people don't head into the office thinking "hmmm, how can I royally screw everybody over today and make their lives miserable?" Sometimes, mistakes just happen, and good, bad or indifferently you're the one that has to clean up the mess.
But after the dust had settled by Friday, what really sent me over the edge was opening my email and getting a message from a colleague explaining to me that this turnaround was an exception and that they'd be talking to my supervisors about education around procedures. The message essentially inferred that the whole blusterduck had been a result of my mismanagement, not a rouge announcement by another department.
Yes, as if another department who just went ahead and told everyone something was ready when it wasn't, had anything to do with me whatsoever. The department we were working for on the project was caught just as flat footed. All weekend long, my blood has been boiling, my neck's tense and my sleep has been crappy.
Because I've pretty much had 20 years of this crap, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I know this colleague had no agenda to belittle me or make me feel bad. They were doing their job and protecting their staff as they saw fit. But Sweet Mary Mother of Pearl, I get so sick and tired of having to continually numb myself to the outright inefficiency and short sightedness I encounter.
I take some consolation in the fact that where I am now is probably the best place I've been and I work with great people. I shouldn't let things like last week get to me, but they do, because I have minimal threshold. Weeks like the one I just had take away what modicum of pleasure I do get from a job well done, and from working with the fun and wonderful people I've met along the way and continue to work with. The resentment I have at having to spend time doing work to make a living instead of the work I was born to do boils over, and I don't know what to do with it, except feel guilty that I feel that way because Lord knows I'm better off than a lot of other people in this world.
That still doesn't make it ok. That still doesn't make me happy. That still doesn't take away this feeling I have that I am spending the majority of my waking hours on being wasteful with my time and talents and my life force in general.
I'm doing everything I feel I can do. I'm getting a demo together. I'm auditioning for community theatre. I'm working hard on my fitness program to improve my life, and let's be honest, my odds at getting cast. I'm trying to get my book done - nigh on impossible the last six months.
I'm doing all this while holding down a full time job. Thank God I don't have kids to worry about.
I just feel trapped and I don't know what else to do. I don't know what God wants me to do. I'm just trying to take a deep breath and get some perspective on this.
Thanks for listening Romanship. I feel better now.
I am still just a rat in a cage."
- - Smashing Pumpkins
Warning: Rant forthcoming.
This weekend was one of those blissful weekends where I had a minimal amount to do. I love seeing friends, getting caught up on chores, shopping and the like. But I find I have to be careful. After a weekend filled with the aforementioned, I can easily head back to work Monday morning feeling like I've had no down time at all. I'm a homebody at heart, and I'm quite content to spend a lot of time at home watching TV, reading a book and generally hiding out from the world. I need to occassionally have some time filled with doing nothing more than what I want to do, or filled with just doing nothing period.
Despite having a lot of time on my hands, it's been one of those weekends where all my brain has done has played and replayed the excruitating week that was at work, a week that was immensely challenging because it was one of those situations where people released information they shouldn't have, which meant my area went from being on track to behind deadline.
And I can deal with that, because most people aren't sociopaths and most people don't head into the office thinking "hmmm, how can I royally screw everybody over today and make their lives miserable?" Sometimes, mistakes just happen, and good, bad or indifferently you're the one that has to clean up the mess.
But after the dust had settled by Friday, what really sent me over the edge was opening my email and getting a message from a colleague explaining to me that this turnaround was an exception and that they'd be talking to my supervisors about education around procedures. The message essentially inferred that the whole blusterduck had been a result of my mismanagement, not a rouge announcement by another department.
Yes, as if another department who just went ahead and told everyone something was ready when it wasn't, had anything to do with me whatsoever. The department we were working for on the project was caught just as flat footed. All weekend long, my blood has been boiling, my neck's tense and my sleep has been crappy.
Because I've pretty much had 20 years of this crap, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I know this colleague had no agenda to belittle me or make me feel bad. They were doing their job and protecting their staff as they saw fit. But Sweet Mary Mother of Pearl, I get so sick and tired of having to continually numb myself to the outright inefficiency and short sightedness I encounter.
I take some consolation in the fact that where I am now is probably the best place I've been and I work with great people. I shouldn't let things like last week get to me, but they do, because I have minimal threshold. Weeks like the one I just had take away what modicum of pleasure I do get from a job well done, and from working with the fun and wonderful people I've met along the way and continue to work with. The resentment I have at having to spend time doing work to make a living instead of the work I was born to do boils over, and I don't know what to do with it, except feel guilty that I feel that way because Lord knows I'm better off than a lot of other people in this world.
That still doesn't make it ok. That still doesn't make me happy. That still doesn't take away this feeling I have that I am spending the majority of my waking hours on being wasteful with my time and talents and my life force in general.
I'm doing everything I feel I can do. I'm getting a demo together. I'm auditioning for community theatre. I'm working hard on my fitness program to improve my life, and let's be honest, my odds at getting cast. I'm trying to get my book done - nigh on impossible the last six months.
I'm doing all this while holding down a full time job. Thank God I don't have kids to worry about.
I just feel trapped and I don't know what else to do. I don't know what God wants me to do. I'm just trying to take a deep breath and get some perspective on this.
Thanks for listening Romanship. I feel better now.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
We Can Rebuild Him
This past Monday my Dad made it through hip replacement surgery. Having seen Ragdoll go through it, I knew it was no walk in the park [no pun intended], but I also knew that the end result would be worth the effort of recovery.
The last two years have not been kind to my family on the health front. There was my mother's leukemia in 2007 and for the most of that year and last, my Dad's been hobbling around like a drunken sailor, pain and diminishing mobility his ever constant companions. Now he's back at home, off intravenous pain killers and with a strong dose of determination and Tylenol 3's, he's ready to start his journey back to normalcy.
My parents don't talk about these things too much. Sure, they have their days, but it's not in their nature to complain about infirmity. They just get on with things. Still, serious illness, both in yourself and others, is a disconcerting thing to experience. As I get older I hear of other friends whose parents have gotten sick or worse, have died and it has caused me to really cherish what time I have with my family because who knows what curve balls life has planned, how much longer any of us will be here.
As my maternal Granny used to say "You never know the minute, and it's probably just as well."
It's probably a case of "scared straight" but my parents' illnesses coincided with my anemia beginning to resolve, which meant I had a hope in hell of sticking with an exercise program without getting ill. Seeing what my parents have gone through has only strengthened my resolve to get fit and lose weight once and for all. I think I'll need this determination next week especially. Circuit training starts. Oy vey.
Still, I like the feeling of getting stronger even if my clothes aren't that much baggier yet. I actually look forward to my work outs now, which given the fact I'm the worst morning person I know, is a minor miracle.
I think it's the utilitarian nature of a workout that lets me unapologetically carve out one hour a day that is solely for myself. "I can take this time" the reasoning goes "because it serves a useful and healthful purpose." Working out and getting my heart rate up to 160 bpm's doesn't feel indulgent the way a pedicure does. I suppose this is a hurdle I need to get better at leaping, being kinder to myself I mean. It can't all be free weights and elipticals all the time.
Current Workout Song Obsession: She's a Beauty, The Tubes
[Yeah I KNOW. But we all got singing this one morning when it came on at the club and we had such a laugh that just hearing it just puts a smile on my face. ]
15 min mile pace: 3.8
Jar Opening Propensity: Hot water no longer required.
The last two years have not been kind to my family on the health front. There was my mother's leukemia in 2007 and for the most of that year and last, my Dad's been hobbling around like a drunken sailor, pain and diminishing mobility his ever constant companions. Now he's back at home, off intravenous pain killers and with a strong dose of determination and Tylenol 3's, he's ready to start his journey back to normalcy.
My parents don't talk about these things too much. Sure, they have their days, but it's not in their nature to complain about infirmity. They just get on with things. Still, serious illness, both in yourself and others, is a disconcerting thing to experience. As I get older I hear of other friends whose parents have gotten sick or worse, have died and it has caused me to really cherish what time I have with my family because who knows what curve balls life has planned, how much longer any of us will be here.
As my maternal Granny used to say "You never know the minute, and it's probably just as well."
It's probably a case of "scared straight" but my parents' illnesses coincided with my anemia beginning to resolve, which meant I had a hope in hell of sticking with an exercise program without getting ill. Seeing what my parents have gone through has only strengthened my resolve to get fit and lose weight once and for all. I think I'll need this determination next week especially. Circuit training starts. Oy vey.
Still, I like the feeling of getting stronger even if my clothes aren't that much baggier yet. I actually look forward to my work outs now, which given the fact I'm the worst morning person I know, is a minor miracle.
I think it's the utilitarian nature of a workout that lets me unapologetically carve out one hour a day that is solely for myself. "I can take this time" the reasoning goes "because it serves a useful and healthful purpose." Working out and getting my heart rate up to 160 bpm's doesn't feel indulgent the way a pedicure does. I suppose this is a hurdle I need to get better at leaping, being kinder to myself I mean. It can't all be free weights and elipticals all the time.
Current Workout Song Obsession: She's a Beauty, The Tubes
[Yeah I KNOW. But we all got singing this one morning when it came on at the club and we had such a laugh that just hearing it just puts a smile on my face. ]
15 min mile pace: 3.8
Jar Opening Propensity: Hot water no longer required.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I Got 99 Problems but an Eliptical Machine Ain't One
Ah January.
How thouest hast kickest my ass.
My mood this past month has basically been either
Bored
Cold
Sad
Tired
All of the above.
Writing here has been next to impossible given the demands at work, but slowly things are easing off. I have an awesome new hire to replace the Employee From Hell, my boss gets back early February and mid-month we have a couple of new interns starting for ten weeks. I shall shortly be experiencing the joys of actually being on a team and not doing the work of three people.
I also am no longer on contract and have my role permanently. I also got a raise. Given the state of this economy, I'm very happy about and grateful for both.
In the meantime, I went and got a sleep test in early December. This week I got the results and they show that there is nothing physiology wrong [i.e. restless legs syndrome or sleep apnea - thank God!] but when they measured my brain waves it showed that have something called Sleep Fragmentation. I get next to nowhere near the required amount of deep sleep and as I move from one phase of sleep to the next, my brain essentially "reboots" and goes back to the beginning as it were.
So I have a medication to take every night for eight weeks and the hope is that this is all I have to do. Essentially the medication will help retrain my brain to transition through the sleep phases normally. A few years ago I never would have countenanced such a step, as the idea of taking a presriptive medication for sleep would have struck me as a bit extreme. I wasn't someone who saw myself as having sleep problems per se. But after nearly 8 years of not having had a solid night's sleep, and having tried everything else, I was more open to it.
The result is that since taking the medication for five nights now, for five nights I have slept right through until morning and have woke up feeling like I've actually slept. Frankly, it's a revelation.
Workouts also continue to go well and I am now in the "burn" phase where the intensity is seriously picking up. I got measured on Friday. I havent' lost any weight, in fact I've gained four pounds and my waist size has increased, But ALL my other measurements have come down, which proves that I am building muscle with my weight training. My clothes are also more slack, and I'll getting a cool indent at the top of my arm as muscles develop.
My trainer thinks my work stress and lack of good sleep is contributing to my lack of weight loss overall and it's still early days yet. She's not worried since I am generally on track. Now that my sleep is better, the results I hope, will be better next month when we check in again.
I have to admit though, there was a part of me that early on, thought I just couldn't do this. It was a needling little fear that I decided to ignore and I concentrated on just putting one foot in front of the other, just doing something however little, on a consistent basis, day by day. I promised myself that if nothing else, I would show up, that baby steps were enough.
But now suddenly, all the sweating and aches and shoe horned rises out of bed early in a winter morning seem to be paying off. All of a sudden, walking into a regular sized clothing store and buying off the rack one day seems a distinct possibility for my future. So does running a 10K and dancing in a musical and biking in France.
Current Workout Song Obsession: I Didn't Mean to Turn You On, Mariah Carey, Glitter
15 min mile pace: 3.8
Jar Opening Propensity: Pretty damn good.
PS. Her producer/boyfriend at the beginning cracks me up every time.
How thouest hast kickest my ass.
My mood this past month has basically been either
Bored
Cold
Sad
Tired
All of the above.
Writing here has been next to impossible given the demands at work, but slowly things are easing off. I have an awesome new hire to replace the Employee From Hell, my boss gets back early February and mid-month we have a couple of new interns starting for ten weeks. I shall shortly be experiencing the joys of actually being on a team and not doing the work of three people.
I also am no longer on contract and have my role permanently. I also got a raise. Given the state of this economy, I'm very happy about and grateful for both.
In the meantime, I went and got a sleep test in early December. This week I got the results and they show that there is nothing physiology wrong [i.e. restless legs syndrome or sleep apnea - thank God!] but when they measured my brain waves it showed that have something called Sleep Fragmentation. I get next to nowhere near the required amount of deep sleep and as I move from one phase of sleep to the next, my brain essentially "reboots" and goes back to the beginning as it were.
So I have a medication to take every night for eight weeks and the hope is that this is all I have to do. Essentially the medication will help retrain my brain to transition through the sleep phases normally. A few years ago I never would have countenanced such a step, as the idea of taking a presriptive medication for sleep would have struck me as a bit extreme. I wasn't someone who saw myself as having sleep problems per se. But after nearly 8 years of not having had a solid night's sleep, and having tried everything else, I was more open to it.
The result is that since taking the medication for five nights now, for five nights I have slept right through until morning and have woke up feeling like I've actually slept. Frankly, it's a revelation.
Workouts also continue to go well and I am now in the "burn" phase where the intensity is seriously picking up. I got measured on Friday. I havent' lost any weight, in fact I've gained four pounds and my waist size has increased, But ALL my other measurements have come down, which proves that I am building muscle with my weight training. My clothes are also more slack, and I'll getting a cool indent at the top of my arm as muscles develop.
My trainer thinks my work stress and lack of good sleep is contributing to my lack of weight loss overall and it's still early days yet. She's not worried since I am generally on track. Now that my sleep is better, the results I hope, will be better next month when we check in again.
I have to admit though, there was a part of me that early on, thought I just couldn't do this. It was a needling little fear that I decided to ignore and I concentrated on just putting one foot in front of the other, just doing something however little, on a consistent basis, day by day. I promised myself that if nothing else, I would show up, that baby steps were enough.
But now suddenly, all the sweating and aches and shoe horned rises out of bed early in a winter morning seem to be paying off. All of a sudden, walking into a regular sized clothing store and buying off the rack one day seems a distinct possibility for my future. So does running a 10K and dancing in a musical and biking in France.
Current Workout Song Obsession: I Didn't Mean to Turn You On, Mariah Carey, Glitter
15 min mile pace: 3.8
Jar Opening Propensity: Pretty damn good.
PS. Her producer/boyfriend at the beginning cracks me up every time.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Inaugaration
I managed to watch Obama's inaugaration live today. It seemed so silly to be in meetings after such a momentous event.
Life is ridiculous.
Life is ridiculous.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Thursday, January 01, 2009
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