The Sunday Dreads

"Despite all my rage,
I am still just a rat in a cage."
- - Smashing Pumpkins

Warning: Rant forthcoming.

This weekend was one of those blissful weekends where I had a minimal amount to do. I love seeing friends, getting caught up on chores, shopping and the like. But I find I have to be careful. After a weekend filled with the aforementioned, I can easily head back to work Monday morning feeling like I've had no down time at all. I'm a homebody at heart, and I'm quite content to spend a lot of time at home watching TV, reading a book and generally hiding out from the world. I need to occassionally have some time filled with doing nothing more than what I want to do, or filled with just doing nothing period.

Despite having a lot of time on my hands, it's been one of those weekends where all my brain has done has played and replayed the excruitating week that was at work, a week that was immensely challenging because it was one of those situations where people released information they shouldn't have, which meant my area went from being on track to behind deadline.

And I can deal with that, because most people aren't sociopaths and most people don't head into the office thinking "hmmm, how can I royally screw everybody over today and make their lives miserable?" Sometimes, mistakes just happen, and good, bad or indifferently you're the one that has to clean up the mess.

But after the dust had settled by Friday, what really sent me over the edge was opening my email and getting a message from a colleague explaining to me that this turnaround was an exception and that they'd be talking to my supervisors about education around procedures. The message essentially inferred that the whole blusterduck had been a result of my mismanagement, not a rouge announcement by another department.

Yes, as if another department who just went ahead and told everyone something was ready when it wasn't, had anything to do with me whatsoever. The department we were working for on the project was caught just as flat footed. All weekend long, my blood has been boiling, my neck's tense and my sleep has been crappy.

Because I've pretty much had 20 years of this crap, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I know this colleague had no agenda to belittle me or make me feel bad. They were doing their job and protecting their staff as they saw fit. But Sweet Mary Mother of Pearl, I get so sick and tired of having to continually numb myself to the outright inefficiency and short sightedness I encounter.

I take some consolation in the fact that where I am now is probably the best place I've been and I work with great people. I shouldn't let things like last week get to me, but they do, because I have minimal threshold. Weeks like the one I just had take away what modicum of pleasure I do get from a job well done, and from working with the fun and wonderful people I've met along the way and continue to work with. The resentment I have at having to spend time doing work to make a living instead of the work I was born to do boils over, and I don't know what to do with it, except feel guilty that I feel that way because Lord knows I'm better off than a lot of other people in this world.

That still doesn't make it ok. That still doesn't make me happy. That still doesn't take away this feeling I have that I am spending the majority of my waking hours on being wasteful with my time and talents and my life force in general.

I'm doing everything I feel I can do. I'm getting a demo together. I'm auditioning for community theatre. I'm working hard on my fitness program to improve my life, and let's be honest, my odds at getting cast. I'm trying to get my book done - nigh on impossible the last six months.

I'm doing all this while holding down a full time job. Thank God I don't have kids to worry about.

I just feel trapped and I don't know what else to do. I don't know what God wants me to do. I'm just trying to take a deep breath and get some perspective on this.

Thanks for listening Romanship. I feel better now.