I Sty With My Little Eye

"Some people can be content,
Playin' bingo and payin' rent,
That's ok for some people,
For some, hum drum people I suppose.
But not Rose." ------ Some People, from 'Gypsy'

I don't belong here."
----- Creep, Radiohead

It's been another one of those weeks where it feels like Thursday by Tuesday. I'm in my usual mid-winter haze of too much work, too little daylight, white knuckling it 'til spring essentially. You can sense the fatigue in air, how absolutely fed up everyone is with winter.

I've definitely been in a funk, and I'm just grateful that I'm sleeping well at present, even if it feels like it is never enough. I'm running quite ragged, fighting off a sty in my eye and generally just trying to keep going. I haven't worked out in three weeks, but I've needed the rest, and last time I didn't lose any ground, in fact I benefited from the break and picked up right where I left off. I'm just trying to keep going, and all being well I'll be back in the swing of things next week and on vacation to boot.

Still, I feel a bit ragged and I'm hoping in a way that all my blood work and my 24 hour urine test [Ragdoll, seriously all respect girl] show something, because if everything is normal then essentially it means I'm just weak. LOL. But everything probably will be normal. Twas ever thus.

It's been a strange time lately. I feel stretched like the skin of a drum. I'm angry all the time, but I can't really say at what - the target seems to move. At any given time I'm angry that:

I can't keep up with things.

I have bad [at times painful] acne at the moment.

I can burst into tears at the drop of hat.

Jerry my cat always has to swish the water bowl and spill water everywhere before he'll drink out of it.

That I didn't follow my gut and move out of stocks and into fixed income last March.

That my financial planner doesn't respond on email on the same business day.

That despite gaining a lot of muscle I've lost no weight.

That I'm so tired lately that I'm craving sugar constantly.

That I don't know my job anymore.

The last one is weird because it's mainly due to an inevitable process of recalibration occurring now that my boss has returned from mat leave. She's fabulous. - really smart, fun and all round great to work with. But I've been uploading information to her at the same time I've been trying to learn more about the day to day of what I'll need to be concentrating on. Between my boss and the awesome new coordinator we hired, I'm beginning to wonder what exactly I'll have to do exactly. Still, the last year's been a bitch. A slow down wouldn't hurt, but I'm just back where I started - bored out my tree.

I just can't help but feel when I bump into coworkers at the coffee shop or enroute to a meeting that I just don't belong, that I just fundamentally don't care as much as they do. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I'm just overtired and need a vacation.

But I always say that. The feeling ultimately never goes away.

I have my demo recording session on Thursday evening. I'm not looking forward to such a long day - in fact I was half tempted to cancel it and try to get a slot next week when I'm off. But I just decided to get the sucker done. Then I can spend the next week focusing on sending my stuff out to agencies with an aim to getting representation, auditions and ultimately some gigs.

I don't have the luxury of being self-conscious. I'm giving this session everything I've got. Props to anyone who does 9-5 and is happy, but I don't want to work in an office anymore. This session on Thursday just may be my ticket out. It may not.

We'll just need to see won't we.