And You Think You've Got Problems?

So today I felt like freeze dried crapiola and decided "to hell with it. I'm going home." I left work at 3 p.m. with that feeling you have when you are teetering between wellness and sickness. Since July there have been a few days where I really should of stayed home, but pushed myself to go in. The result? I felt like ass for days.

But today, something in me snapped. Everything was stopping a foot in front of my face and I just wondered what the point would be of looking like I was busy for the next three hours, when I could go home, drink lots of fluids and try and shake this thing.

So I came home and watched Oprah. The show was about bad decisions, and the guest of note was a woman who stayed with an abusive boyfriend who ended up shooting [and killing] her mother and blowing half her face off. She's got five more surgeries to go before she'll look even remotely normal.

I really found her story inspiring. You really think you've got it tough until you hear about some other people in the world and what they have to deal with. And the point Oprah made about all the guests was that as she puts it "God whispers first." And even if you're not remotely religious, it's a great philosophy.

That's a particularly insidious aspect of depression too. You feel guilty for feeling at all, and yet remain entrenched in destructive emotions, when what you really need to is acknowledge how you feel, deal with it and move on. I've been feeling so much better since I started being mindful of my feelings in the moment. I'm always good at going with a gut feel on big, long term decisions, but never the "right now" ones.

I admit my example is paltry, but it took a lot for me not to feel really guilty leaving early today. [I still do slightly.]

I just decided to give myself a rest. I'm getting better, however slightly, at listening to to myself.