Twinkle, Twinkle

I know my supplementation of iron and vitamin D is making a difference Dear Reader, but LAWD, have mercy. This year the dark seems so relentless. The sun is no sooner up, then drops like an end of show curtain.

I’m back at work this week and have begun to wonder if there’s something in the air at my office. I got up feeling quite good today, then came in to work and by noon, had an awful headache and felt tired. I can’t believe it’s purely psychosomatic. Maybe I’m allergic to work? Heh.

Anyway, there wasn’t too much to catch up on and I’m really glad I took the time off to rest and recuperate. [Although Ragdoll and I went to see Atonement yesterday and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Just an absolutely gut wrenching film.] Although watching the screen I couldn’t help but think “that will be me one day. I’m going to do it. It’s going to happen.”

At this point I’m trying to get back into the swing of things here and am genuinely excited to have rehearsals to go to soon! My earlier excerpt here about enchantment is actually from the play I’ll be in and I thought it rather appropriate.

In the expanded monologue, Lotty is talking about befores and afters, how you can’t have an after without losing a before, and how you can get lost at times, wondering if waiting and hoping and well, wondering are the only “after” you’re ever going to get.

I really identified with that sentiment as I have felt that way for a while. For quite some time, I was only sure that I was stuck, and that I was completely at a loss as to how to get unstuck.

How could I act when I physically felt so awful all the time?
How could I write when I felt so depressed?
How could I sing when acid reflux was burning my vocal chords?

And now, having come through to the other side of the above, the only advice I can offer if you’re contending with your own obstacles is that you must keep going. You must, because the only other option is to give up and never get where you want to go. Sometimes the only step you can take towards your dream is to remember it. Quite simply, you will go through times where you need to deal with what is happening in the here and now. Those grand visions of what could be have to remain just that for a time.

Answers arrive, but I’ve realized that they arrive faster if you lose your rage at your current circumstances. In my case, I really needed to listen to what my body was telling me. Instead, I beat myself up for being weak, took minimal care of myself and kept running ragged, kept thinking I just needed to be tougher.

And yet after everything I’ve tried and all the weird therapies and self-flagellation I put myself through over the years, it’s solving a simple iron/vitamin D riddle that has once again instilled my world with possibility. I am starting to feel like a normal human being, no longer overwhelmed by the basic day-to-day of life. I now feel ready, in every respect, to take on the extra work that a career in the arts will demand of me, particularly while I have to hold down a day job.

But there was a time when holding down a job was all I could do. I don’t know why things transpired as they did, but they have. It’s not what I had planned and at times, was extremely hurtful and sad because it’s one thing to fail. It’s quite another to feel like you’re not even getting your chance to try. But experience can have the tremendous consolation of insight and I think there were some things I needed to “get” before obstacles were going to get moved out of my way, before solutions would present themselves.

For one thing, I think I was too beholden to other people’s opinions before. The least amount of praise or criticism would have swayed me. I was solid in some important ways, as flimsy as a Chinese lantern in others. I’d convinced myself that “the work” was everything, but realistically, “the business” could have eaten me alive. I’m less afraid now, less concerned with being approved of. As a result my work is more authentic and quite simply better.

The last few years I have felt like a thirsty man trudging in a desert and I suppose the new thought that entered my head lately, was that I couldn’t keep waiting for the “right” oasis to come along. If I kept waiting to give myself permission to act only when I could do it professionally, I’d be waiting a really long time. I had to meet myself where I was, and community theatre was a place where I could do this, where I could work on my craft and start building on the foundation I had laid so long ago.

And that’s when I read the audition notice, and just got a feeling I should do it. It’s why I put the part on my resume in advance as act of faith. It’s why I ignored the usual voices of dismay that for so many years, have mitigated my disappointment in advance.

“You won’t get it anyway.”
“You’re too fat.”
“It’s community theatre. You gotta be kidding me.”
“You’re too tired. You can’t keep up. Why bother?”
“You haven’t auditioned in ten years.”

I’m now listening to new voices.

“Where were you? Welcome back.”
“This is who you are.”
“Look at some of the people that are working in this business! If they can do it, you sure as hell can!”
"Isn't this great?"

Then the day after I got the part, I indirectly heard another voice. I found a card I had bought years ago that to my mind, had the final say in the matter. Here is what it said:

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Elliot

Everything about this road feels right. I'm happy to go where it plans on taking me.