Since the weekend, my brain and body have been adjusting to not having a show to do. I almost feel more tired now. I guess I just need some time to adjust, but I was looking forward to having room back in my brain for reading books and getting up to speed at my new job. That room doesn't seem to be presenting itself, except in letting me know the odd time that I'm really craving a Pepsi.
Ahem. Yes the job. A bit of a struggle still I’m afraid. Granted, it was the perfect storm starting my job at the same time as my show started and I was ill to boot. I have gone on and on Dear Reader, but I suppose I’m having an issue because I feel like I’m just really sucking large. I can’t get up to speed, don’t feel like I’m on top of things because I'm tired and I HATE feeling like that.
And I suppose if I could muster a modicum of interest I’d feel more heartened, but I can’t. I’ve gone from feeling so unsure of myself that I nearly walked away from an audition in late November to now continually scheming about how I can act full time. I need the next audition like a junkie needs a hit.
I just can’t get focused and given that this gig is a good one, and is paying the rent as it were, I feel bad. It's been my essential conundrum my entire working life, wanting to feel like I'm doing something worthwhile and meaningful, wanting to be engaged with my employer, but deep down feeling like I am not.
Update: 04/2/2008 - Well I got a good night's sleep. Don't feel like my cranium is so filled with jello anymore. Ah yes. Hope springs eternal.
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The focus will come.
Sometime in September after attending my little weeding event.
Well, at least I hope.
About the focus, that is.
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