In the Fog

I've been enjoying a computer free last few days. My sleep has been wonky and I find myself preoccupied with thoughts of the past. These more retrospective leanings have brought me to a conclusion.

I wish I looked forward to the future, but I've realized recently that I don't. By default, I seem to have a fundamentally negative view of things, expecting that the passage of time will bring more loss and disappointment and that the state of my life can't really be improved upon and will probably, in the long term, get worse.

And yet, I can't tell you why I think this way, where this belief originated or what it's based on - aside from the obvious conclusion that I may be a bit depressed or winter weary, especially when I consider my recent inventory of things I have to be glad about.

But for whatever reason, I've simply become aware recently that the long view of my life is not an optimistic one. I'm not as positive as I have thought myself to be.

Logically, it just doesn't make sense. Who is to say that the next ten years won't be the best of my life, that the wreckage of disappointment I may encounter will be well mitigated?

But it looks like I've got some more internal digging to do.