Operation Pudge Nudge: Snap!

Yesterday, and this past week generally were not good. I feel tired, worn out and my hypoallergenic regime, along with all my good intentions are in ruins. I'm in this weird place of preferring the symptoms of not following my regime versus having to follow it. It's as if my brain has no room left to really worry about anything else, least of all every single morsel I put in my mouth.

Perhaps I was not in a good place yesterday as the week had culminated in a number of annoyances.

The first was my mortgage. Finally, after paying a good 2-3% more than everyone else, our current term is expiring as of September 1. I've been able to lock in all our debt for a good 2% lower than we're paying now which means we'll be able to save and have a cushion of cash. I don't think we can encounter any more of a financial clusterf*ck than the last five years have been, but at this point in my life I no longer assume anything where finances are concerned.

The deed was supposed to be done by August 11th and the nice part of this mortgage is we're getting some extra cash in hand with it. All was on track after a week of phone calls with our lawyer, insurance company, bank etc. Then my lawyer emails me the final payout terms of the mortgage. To make a long story short, because we are theoretically breaking our current mortgage with an August 11th payout, my bank wanted to charge us nearly 900 dollars in interest differential and a $2800 + cash back penalty. The last one didn't even make any sense under my current agreement, but whatevah. I told my laywer that I'd save the 3K + thanks very much and wait until September 1. Banks can be scum.

Second was work in general. I've only had one thing to worry about the past 2 weeks, namely that minor item of the 35 websites we're redeveloping. It's a big thing, but ONE thing for my brain to worry about. And after months upon months of redev, day to day production, coverage for other parts of the country and any other damned thing anybody else could think of for me to do, I think my brain just sort of crash landed out of sheer relief. It's like when you've been through a period of stress of heightened activity. Then it lifts and instead of being relieved, you're basically useless as your body physicalizes its sigh of relief.

Third was picking up my perscription yesterday. The pharmacist noted that my doctor had reduced my perscription to 100 grams. And the weird thing was, as I handed in my r/x to him, my brain automatically noted that she had written 100 pills of a 150 gram dose. So of course I said, "uh...no." The pharmacist looks again and says "Oh yes. Sorry my mistake."

Yeah, really glad I noticed that for you buddy. Really glad I saved myself some potentially serious withdrawal symptoms because you screwed up my dose. But of course, the dose I need is not in stock. So nearly 40 minutes later, I end up with 10 pills to tide me over until my other ones are delivered.

Fourth, while walking back to my office, I caught my reflection in a window and wanted to cry. I don't know why I wear the blouse I did. Well I do, it's cause I can't really afford to get any new ones right now. So I wear the latest offering from the house of MuMu and hate myself essentially, because Christ only knows I repeat my current wardrobe as much as I can push it. But it just looked so bloody awful and I just looked so big and all I could think is Jesus, how did I get to this? I just felt so defeated.

Cause I'm not like these wingnuts on Dr. Phil who have 50 cans of Coca Cola in a month and then wonder why they're overweight. If only it were that simple. But oh no. I have to contend with nearly 60 + food items that my body apparently reacts to. And then I wonder, despite the blood work, if this is all in my head. Is this just a stress thing and if I could just calm down physically and get some rest would my body just sort itself out? But I don't think a 3 month break from work is presenting itself any time soon.

I was feeling so good last week and then everything just came to a head. I picked up my course calendar for University. I looked into classes at the Royal Conservatory because I really want to pick up my sight singing lessons again.

And then yesterday I just had this sinking feeling, that vibe I get that says how the hell am I even going to keep up and do any of this remotely well? I've even had to defer my pilates class. I'm going to switch to weekend private classes because the Wednesday ones just became untenable. My game's as flabby as my butt.

I think it was the snap. I walked back to office and felt the coolness in the air. I saw the sun above my head instead of behind. "It's started." I thought. Fall is here already. And then I was just glum. Yet another summer of an exhausting job. Yet another summer with no camping or fun trips away. Yet another summer of the Marine getting jerked around by idiot bosses who want to work him like a pack mule and then try not to pay him.

And then I look around our house, with chip board still on the floor and its stinky basement and I just feel like we're never going to get ahead ever. Which is maybe why I just can't deal with my allergy diet right now, why it just seemed like too much bloody work.

So what to do? Well today I'm picking up an allergy cook book. Why think for yourself, when you can pay someone else to do it for you?

I know there's people far far worse off than myself. I just get so bloody fed up with all this sometimes.

Thanks for listening.