Three Shows To Go

"It never occurred to me to do something I hated for a living." - Paul McCartney

Ragdoll and I were chatting Saturday about how in many ways, we have started new phases in our lives. Ragdoll has finished the first draft of her book, a three year exercise in diligence, vision and as my Granda used to put it "graft." This year, I've been relatively successful at leaving the more anemic and despondent aspects of my life behind and have been doing my play.

For many years, hell as long as I can remember, we've both dreamed big dreams, had definitive visions for our lives and what they could be. And now it seems, we're both a little bit closer to living what we envisioned.

After we finished our matinee yesterday, "Costanza" was talking about the fact that we only have three shows left and then we're done. I couldn't help but agree with her when she said that it will be all she could do not to burst into tears at our last show.

As tiring and downright exhausting as this play has been, I haven't been this happy in ages. This play reacquainted me with a long abandoned yet fundamental part of myself. And as much as I am looking forward to getting time back to be at home, to write and to see the Marine, family and friends, there's another part of me absolutely dreading this return to "normal" life, that dreads losing that magical feeling that walking into a theatre gives you.

I think way too much and get ahead of myself at times. I'm making a concerted effort to see the glass as half full. I'm thankful for my new job and the money I make doing it. But I also can't stop thinking about how I'll act and write full time and keep a mortgage paid. It occurred to me yesterday that if this is meant to be, then things will somehow work out. I just need to keep my end of the bargain. In my bones I believe that if I show up and work hard, I will get there. All I know is that acting and writing are two of the few things in my life that occupationally speaking, don't feel like an utter waste of my life force.

I have to admit that the past few weeks have been a great ego boost. I've gotten great feedback from so many people, a lot of whom were complete strangers who just wanted to tell me how much they enjoyed the show.

I can't help but believe that stands for something.