Sigh

Sooner or later,
Your legs give way, you hit the ground
Save it for later
Don't run away and let me down
Sooner or later,
You hit the deck, you get found out.
- Save It For Later, The English Beat

I've been in quite a funk the last week and I don't mean the kind with phat base lines. I turned 35 on Monday and basically had a mini-breakdown. I was bawling and crying, basically feeling like I've been spinning my wheels the last 15 years. I feel completely devoid of a sense of purpose and I don't understand why I'm here. I don't understand why accomplishing my goals and ambitions for myself has been a minor endurance test and other people seem to get what they want just for showing up.

Of course I know that logically, life is not like that and logically, that sentiment makes no sense. But that's sure how it feels some days.

I really admire people like Ragdoll who have been through so much and still keep on trucking. Now she's actively engaging in some serious self-care and is approaching her disease with a renewed sense of purpose and hope.

I'm eating chocolate almonds and am bitter that Time Team wasn't broadcast on TV Ontario this evening.

I have some theories.

One: I'm manic depressive. To wit, please see my previous entry where I was ready to take over the world. This past week, it's been all I can do to remember to use deoderant.

Two: I'm low in B Vitamins. Seriously. I ran out of this B5/B6 supplement my naturopath gave me for my adrenals and it's been downhill ever since. Thankfully she sent some more tout de suite.

Three: I'm overly sensitive. I was the kinda kid who would come home in the winter with my pockets full of garbage. I felt sorry for the garbage because I thought it was cold. Yes you read that right. I felt sorry for the garbage.

Four: I'm just too hard on myself. Old habits die hard.

Five: It's just been published in People Magazine that "shocking new evidence" has emerged in the Lady Diana crash investigation. Perhaps I have been subconsciously sensing this and my aura is in turmoil. Other strange stuff has been happening too. I was telling Ragdoll today that I'm having these weird things happen like Sunday night I was listening to this program on 96.3. They play soft classical at the end of the day. And the announcer is going over the pieces they'll be playing and the love theme from Spartacus pops in to my head and then she says "But first, the love theme from Spartacus."

I'm also seeing double numbers all the time, 11:11 that kind of thing. I looked this up and one site said it's your angels talking to you, trying to get your attention and the numbers I keep seeing doubles of all relate to hang on, things are changing, you're not alone kind of stuff.

Six: Maybe I'm flakier than a 99.

Seven: Maybe I use feeling bad generally to avoid feeling things period.

Eight: Maybe I just need a damn vacation