Gratitude

Today I was badgered and heckled by a terrible mood that would not let up. I'm tired of sleeping and walking up feeling exhausted. I'm tired of having no appetite. I'm tired of the crazy cat I'm fostering who won't stop farting (that's another blog entry.)

By any objective standard, being really sick over holidays of any kind just sucks. And I was really REALLY looking forward to this break for a long time. Two years ago Indigo died. Last year I spent most of December recovering from emergency gallbladder surgery. This year, I am employed full time and had some vacation to carry over into the New Year. "Great," I thought, "this will be a really good break."

Instead, on December 23rd I started to cough and by Saturday morning, had a fever of 101 degrees. And that was that. I've been home ever since and will finally get to see my parents on Wednesday for an overdue Christmas celebration. So far, I've spent this entire holiday, sick, worn out and alone.

I was finally able to get out today for a couple of hours and finish my Christmas shopping. Two hours was more than enough. Two hours felt like six. But still, it was nice to return to the land of living. Given how easily I can get into a bad funk and stay there, I decided to focus my thoughts on those things that I was grateful for despite my current circumstances.

I like doing this because it is a great way for me to refocus my thoughts and not dwell on the negative. I walk an emotional tightrope, one in which I try to acknowledge and give voice to my emotions, whatever they may be. I think this is good and healthy. Unrelenting positivism is as bad as negativity. It's important to understand and acknowledge everything you're feeling.Feelings aren't good or bad, they just are.  But like a good buffet, it's important not to stay in one place too long. You just end up overstuffed and unhappy.

So in no particular order, here are the things I decided I was grateful for today:

I get to see my parents on Wednesday to celebrate a belated Christmas. Some people love their parents very much and don't have them in their lives anymore. Some people spend every Christmas alone and have nobody to care for or celebrate with them.

I'm employed full time. I really felt for the contractors at my office this year because I've been there, heading into a Christmas break where the office is closed and I'll have no money coming in or the certainty of a contract renewal in the New Year. Not fun. This year I have a job, however imperfect, and for the most part can pay my bills.

I've been sick, but I've also been on vacation. This means that I've been able to get as much rest as I want without feeling under pressure to get back to the office asap. I've been able to focus on just getting well.

I was able to get caught up on some chores and despite being sick my house hasn't gone to hell in a hand basket. Disorder stresses me out so I've been grateful to be able to keep on top of things.

I've watched a lot of great television. So far, I've discovered some series I've really enjoyed and have been able to watch a ton of TV to pass the time being sick. That's no small thing when you're too sick to peruse social media or read.

Quiet. I've really had a lot of peace and quiet the last while. I really needed to experience this so I could recharge.  My job is noisy and bustling and pulls me in a bunch of different directions all day long. It's been marvelous to just not have to do or say anything, to just be still.

This blog entry. I honestly didn't think I'd get this done today, but proved myself wrong.