Early Morning Revelations

Riptide
Caught in a riptide
Torn between two loves the old and the new
Riptide lost in a riptide
Where will it take me what shall I do?
My heart is tossed on a sea of emotion
One love offers romance the other devotion
The new love is calling the old love is pleading
I'm caught in a riptide what shall I do?

- "Riptide", Robert Palmer

This past weekend was what I like to call a "Crash and Burner". It was the first weekend in ages where I had no obligations. I had a very strung out week and to be honest, I've been finding it hard to cope with my workload post sinus infection. The past month has been really hard sloggin' for some reason.

I try not to get too despondent or self-involved with this stuff, but sometimes I can't help it. I feel great, start to get on top of things and then get sick and I'm...well...sick of it. Sometimes I just get tired of having to pull myself out of the hole and start over. Plus, it's not like I have a definable condition or disease of any kind. I just have "health issues" and feel like I run on empty all the time.

So this past weekend was probably just as well in that it let me regroup [again!] and get some perspective. I have to admit that I'm really hopeful that my allergy blood work will yield some results that will let me move forward. I don't mind not eating certain things. But you know, when you do that for a good month and really don't feel that much better, temptation gets the better of you. That's why I think there have been other sensitivities in play that I'm not aware of. [Dear Lord: In the name of all that is holy and good, please don't let me be sensitive to chocolate. For thine is the cocao, the sugar and the buttah. Amen.]

At any rate, I get my results this coming Saturday so I'll be sure to fill you in.

This past Saturday morning I woke up early. I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up to watch some t.v. I turned it to TVO [because I don't have cable and it's my best choice] and Paula Todd was interviewing Sylvia Fraser. She's one of those funny authors for me, and by that I mean that she is someone I've admired but never read. I first became aware of her when her book My Father's House came out. In this book, she chronicles the resurfacing of her memories of horrific sexual abuse by her father. Her other non-fiction books have focused on the spiritual and at the time I caught the interview, she was talking about her book The Rope in the Water: A Pilgrimage to India. She got the title from an experience she had swimming in an area reknowned for its riptides. A few times, she says, she feels a rope hit her feet. Quite annoyed, she continues swimming until she sees lifeguards waving frantically because she's getting pulled out further into the ocean.

Not being a very good swimmer, she starts to doggie paddle back to no avail. It is at this moment, she feels the rope hit her feet again. She grabs it, and realizes it leads back to shore. She said she looked as if she was gliding through the water because as she was pulling herself to safety, the rope was also pulling her in the same direction. She gets to the beach, close enough for her toes to just graze the bottom and starts walking out the water. She looks for the rope. It isn't there. At all.

Call me crazy, but part of me feels like I was meant to see this interview. I was able to get through the rest of the weekend feeling somewhat hopeful about the future in my own tired ass, stressed out mode. I'm trying to get out of my own way. Maybe what I thought I wanted isn't what I want or need to do at all. Maybe it is what I really want and I have to keep trying. I don't know. I'm just really trying to listen to what my heart is telling me. I can't say I have any answers yet, but the idea that the rope will get thrown to me when I need it gives me hope.