Rising Damp

The amount of work I've gotten through at the office the last two days has been truly staggering. All weekend thoughts of it lay on my brain like a layer of icing I constantly spread around as I tried to imagine getting it all done. And yet bit by bit I have and I am seeing the end of a six week gauntlet run by this Friday.

It's about f*cking time.

So after a very busy and long day, and a run to the vet to pick up medication, I did what any sane person would do. Yes, that's right. I went to Walmart to buy a dehumidifier.

Our old one finally gave up the ghost and with the amount of rain we've gotten this year our damp basement has been particularly unbearable. I found a great one online at Costco, but with seven to ten days shipping to wait through, I figured I'd just go to Walmart and get one. This is all well and good except that I had overlooked two key facts.

One - I had not called ahead to Walmart to confirm they had the model I needed in stock.

Two - I had deluded myself with the notion that despite the fact that The Marine is away working on his cousin's house in the glory that is Eastern Ontario, I was somehow capable of lifting a dehumidifier with a 55 pint capacity in to a shopping cart, out of my car and down the basement steps.

Around 6:10 pm my stomach starts grumbling. "Should I go?" I think. "Maybe I should just go home, get a good dinner and watch some Star Trek Voyager." But then the announcer on the radio declares that we're expecting rain and thunderstorms tonight and I decide on Walmart.

I then battle insane rush hour traffic that is compounded by an inane amount of construction on all the major east/west routes.

Finally arriving at Walmart, I join the acid wash jeaned and polyester prima donnas and grab a cart. Enroute to appliances I stumble across a DVD. It has early movies featuring Marilyn Monroe, Betty Davis, Joan Crawford and Barbara Stanwyck. At $3.88, how can you go wrong? I grab it and chock one up for Great Moments in Bargain History.

Heading over to the "Home Comfort" section or whatever the hell it is that they call it, an earnest sounding woman comes on the announcement system declaring not once, but three times that in one minute, ONE MINUTE YOU MUST ACT NOW, there would be a free gift giveaway in the back right of the store where there is a flashing orange light, A FLASHING ORANGE LIGHT, where there would be an exclusive giveaway of an item not yet available in Walmart stores for weeks. WEEKS!"

As I'm never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I figured WTF and went over to the back right corner of the store that featured the flashing orange light. A woman about as thin as a door appeared in grey slacks and a rather stylish [I thought] purple top.

"How you all doing tonight? You doin' good? I'm doin' good because we have got a fabulous giveaway tonight everybody, an EXCLUSIVE item for you to take home as a gift before it's available in this store. Anybody got cameras? Who's got cameras?"

We all raise our hands like we're in kindergarten.

Please keep in mind that while she's talking, I've got a kiosk directly behind me running an ad loop for Pampers.

"And you know how dust gets on your lens right? We all know this. How about a computer? You got a computer?"

Hands up.

Well actually that last part sounded more like:

"And Explore you know our entire how dust gets on your range of diapers, lens including right? We all know Swaddlers Sensitive Diapers, this. How about a computer?

"Well that screen gets pretty dusty too doesn't it."

It's at this point I began to think, "Jesus H. Roosevelt. Did I seriously walk all the way over here for a ---"

"GLASSES! Can we talk about glasses and how smudged they get??? Well we have got the most amazing dust cloth for you to try!"

No you didn't misread that. Dustcloth.

"Who's got a plasma TV?"

Two women, who looked they'd left the iron on in the trailer raised their hands.

"I'm giving these away tonight, an 8 dollar value, TEN! WITH TAXES! absolutely free to you this evening! Now gather round."

As the crowd stormed the mini stage featuring its solitary flashing orange light show, I took full opportunity of this moment to swing my cart around and head back to the "Cool ma damn house" section. I admired that woman though. It takes guts to be in the front line marketing trenches.

In the end, Walmart had dehumidifiers, but not the capacity we needed. They appeared to be the only ones in stock, a fact a Walmart employee later confirmed, and I inwardly smacked myself for wasting my own time.

As I returned my cart another employee pulled out the DVD. "Did you mean to get this?"

I thanked her profusely, bought it and left. I hopped in the car and gunned it for home, relishing the prospect of a pre-iconic Monroe movie to enjoy on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I had dinner. Then I ordered that dehumidifier with UPS direct delivery from Costco online.

Poo poo pee doo.