Hopes

"Every spring is the only spring, a perpetual astonishment." - Ellis Peters

"You just got to keep livin' in hopes child." - Ursula, cleaning lady at the 92nd Street Y

I don't remember what spring was like in New York City.

I remember the winter and summer very well, the experience of extreme seasons in an extreme city, but I don't remember spring. For some reason, when I awoke this morning I was thinking about the time I went to New York City the autumn before I was to begin classes. I was looking at Salvation Army residences for women as they were really the only option I could afford - just. I ended up staying at the 92nd Street Y.

The other place I liked, Anthony House I believe it was called, was on 29th Street as I recall and was very close to school. The rooms were large and you shared a bathroom with one other person. I remember vividly the lady who gave me a tour, one of these people you'd describe as "having a nice way about her."

In the end I went with the Y. I wanted to cook my own food and eat in my room if I wanted to. My best [and only] friend in New York at the time was a male high school buddy attending Juilliard, and if I stayed at any Sally Ann residences I couldn't have a man in my room. Plus the Y had a gym, and I for some reason thought I'd be working out. Turns out the 60 + block walk to school and back every day took care of the extra weight I was carrying. And the bathroom situation - for some reason I just knew that if we had to share cleaning duties on the bathroom, I'd be the one that would end up doing it most of the time. The Y had maid service.

Ursula was the house maid on my floor at the Y, a lovely Jamaican woman I would chat with almost daily because her rounds were in the morning and I didn't start school until 1 p.m. I've always remembered her phrase "livin' in hopes." She'd said it one day after asking me what I was doing in New York City and I told her I was studying acting and that theatre and art were all I ever wanted to do with my life. Then we talked about Toronto and Caribana, and how much she loved going every year and how she and her husband had their hopes, a lot of which got fulfilled when they decided to take a chance and immigrate to New York City.

All this was swimming around in my mind this morning. Perhaps it was the spring light, or the first plus ten day in what seems like an eternity, or the fact that I've finally vanguished the laundry blob that was invading my bedroom. I was puzzled that I couldn't remember my stay in New York at this time of year even though my time in that city was on my mind when I woke up.

But I feel lighter today, and given the progress I've made lately, I feel like I'm once again beginning to live in my hopes for the first time in a long time. Maybe it's just spring. I'll take it, either way.