Magic, In A Weekend Like Ass

This weekend was a bit of a loss. It has a resigned feeling to it, kind of like a balloon slowly losing air.

I've been on antibiotics since Monday for my sinus infection. My head still feels like it's going to explode. Slowly but surely the discomfort is travelling down my face so I know I'm getting better, but I really, and I mean REALLY expected to feel a lot better by now. Instead my progress has been marginal to say the least.

I have a number of elements working against me at the moment. Workload continues unabated. I'm just trying to keep going at this point and I don't have much energy for anything else.

Those of us in the Greater Toronto Area are now in, oh I dunno help me out here Ragdoll, about our 156th straight day of cloud cover. Honestly, now I know why some people hate Vancouver. Apparently their whole winter is like this. I'm at the point where I'd take a -10 temperature if it means getting some farkin sunshine. I'm that demented by it. You'd think my Celtic genetic inheritance would shore me up against this sort of thing, but no such luck.

And basically I just need a vacation. I have two weeks coming up at Christmas. Needless to say, it can't come soon enough. Many of us are in the same boat at this time of year.

Despite everything I am really proud of my ability to keep going. I think one of the best lessons I've gotten out of this year is not to be so hard on myself. Sure I could be doing better. The house could be cleaner. I could be doing more things at work more thoroughly. My Christmas cards could be sent by now. But in the end, I have kept going, haven't lost any extreme amount of time to illness and at the end of the day, things are getting done. Sometimes, it's ok to just do what you can.

I still couldn't help but be a little dispondent yesterday though. I woke up at 6 a.m. and stayed up. I had that too tired to sleep feeling and didn't want to go back to bed. I mulled over the idea of pilates but in the end my pounding head declared "oh hell no" and I cancelled. I got a little more sleep, and then decided to go out for some groceries to try and blow the cobwebs away. It was worth it for my budgetary triumph alone [see below Dear Reader], but I felt as if I was walking through gauze. The grey clouds were pushing down on my head like an ill fitting touque.

I hate this, I thought. I hate slaving my guts out all week, only to have the highlight of my weekend be a trip to the grocery store. And with the lack of sleep kicking in, I lose even more perspective, hating the fact that deciding what to have for dinner is quickly becoming an impossible decision, that I'm not hungry and haven't been for days, that I feel as if I've failed myself in so many key respects, that I'm mad at myself for thinking all this and being so negative before I've even made it as far as the Jams and Condiments aisle. I think that I'm just being ridiculous and I shouldn't be letting my fatigue rob me of so much perspective.

Ok. Here's where it gets weird. As mentioned, before the grocery store was my budgetary triumph. I truly felt like something or somebody sent me there, maybe because I was feeling down and just needed a little break to come my way. In addition, I'm still missing my Granny terribly, thinking of her a lot and having memories of her pop into my head at the most unusual times. I miss her, and I feel lonely in that particularly childlike way you do when you have lost a grandparent. I feel her, but I can't see, be with or talk to her.

And then in the middle of Loblaws, where I haven't been really paying attention to the soundtrack because it's been all I can do to decide between ravioli or lasagna for dinner, "Magic" by Olivia Newton John comes on.

Ok. I know we're in major fromage territory here, but stay with me.

My most vivid memories of my Granny are from my pre-teens, when she and my Granda would come over in the summers and look after us. At that time, Olivia Newton John had just released a Greatest Hits collection, and I played that tape until it was worn out, revelling in all its girly-girl glory.

I loved "Magic". It was my favourite song on the whole record. The opening lyrics are:

Come take my hand,
You should know me
I've always been in your mind,
You know I will be kind, I'll be guiding you.

Living your dream has to start now
There's no other road to take
You won't make a mistake
I'll be guiding you.

I don't know what's going on, but out of pure curiosity I've made an appointment with the clairvoyant that Ragdoll went to see. I'd like to think my Granny's trying to get my attention, that's somehow, in some way she is still alive and accessible to me, but realistically I'm buttressing myself for disappointment and expecting it to be a bust.

In the meantime, I am seriously mulling the possiblity of a couple of gin and tonics.