Operation Pudge Nudge: Swing Low, Sweet Chocolate Bar

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office." -- George Bernard Shaw

In my previous blog about the subject of weight, I had talked about William Leith's brilliant book, The Hungry Years.

Yes, I loved this book, but my previous blog would lead you to believe otherwise. At the time, I only read excerpts and I don't think that the Globe & Mail did this book any great service by publishing the ones that they did. It may not have been their call. Perhaps it was the publisher's. At any rate, the excerpts focused on the more sensationalistic aspects of the book, the "debauchery factor" if you will.

What I really loved about this book was Leith's discussion of his feelings as an overweight person and about food in our society in general. Granted there were and are still aspects of this book I can't relate to. As I've mentioned previously, I've never felt like my world would end if I couldn't get my white buttered toast in the morning

But I can relate to food as a distraction from....whatever. We all can. I suppose it's just different degrees for everyone.

This year I've made the decision to focus on permanent weight loss and a healthy way of life, because last year I learned the value of focus. My typical approach is to try and do ten things, all at once, and find the cure for cancer while I'm at it. This time last year I was so thoroughly unhappy with the state of my life, and particularly my job, that out of sheer necessity I focused on dealing solely with not only changing employers, but changing my career altogether. My thought was that if I could just change this one utterly miserable aspect, then by default my life just had to get better. Truly, the only way was up.

And I was right. By the summer, I had not only gotten a new job, but a great new job and a new career. And despite the challenges and the sometimes severe learning curve of the past seven months, I also discovered what it's like to have a job that actually uses your brain and have rediscovered what an unmitigated joy "workin' fo tha man" can be when you're doing it with a great team of people.

My work is busy, but a sense of mastery is beginning to settle in. I feel like I'm finally able to surface and break through to the air above. The lake is not smooth, but I'm no longer holding my breath in the quiet below, waiting for the storm to pass.

So given my experience last year of making an investment in myself, I've decided to take the same focused approach to dealing with my weight once and for all.

My weight has been an obstacle to happiness most of my life. And the great irony of it all, is that despite all the "emotional issues" that get discussed in our society when it comes to weight, I don't remember having an emotional issue with my weight until other people did, until others made it something that could be used against me. Up to then, I was still a pretty happy kid.

I think the big breakthrough that I've had recently,as awful as it sounds, is that I've stopped thinking better of people. The fact of the matter is that I can be the brightest, funniest most capable person in the world, but I'll be judged negatively for being overweight. Many people just can't get by it. The collective self-esteem out there is just too low. Being fat is like being a bullseye, and most folks are more than happy to send an arrow of judgement from their self-hating bow your way, if for no other reason than that it makes them feel better. Inner beauty, my ass.

Being fat is a liability I'm no longer willing to tolerate. It's that aspect that I don't want to devote any more emotional energy to. In its own weird way, remaing overweight can be act of defiance and at the end of the day, sure - you can rage against the skinny machine of societal judgement and eat that Snickers as a f*%k you to the world. But if it keeps you overweight, the only person you're hurting is yourself.

Anyone who knows me well will often hear me say that I don't give a shit what people think of my life and my choices. That's true. But not caring about what people think of you, does not equate to those people not being able to affect outcomes in your life, no matter how in charge of it you are.

I don't want to be wondering if a promotion at work, or getting cast in a play is in jeopardy because I'm a size 18. I'm no longer willing to keep perpetuating a variant of my childhood, the "what kind of day will I have" question I asked myself every morning as I headed to school, hoping to get through the day without a cruel remark or gangup that would make me cry or cast me into social oblivion.

No one's going to give me a break. Society isn't going to change its mind. None of the pain I went through as a fat kid counts. I wasn't racking up any fairness chips to cash in at life's casino then. I'm not now.

I can get mad at being judged and at the unfairness of it all, or I can simply get on with my life.

The real issues at hand are a matter of health, self-preservation, and putting myself first. I'm not going to make any of my dreams come true unless I deal with my weight. It's really that simple.

Because in the end, dealing with your weight, your depression, your alcoholism, your workaholism, your "whatever" is really about making the journey back to yourself.

No more hiding.