When I went to go see the psychic lady in January, she mentioned something to me at the time that has more resonance now.
She said that I was one of those people who wouldn’t be successful or really happy doing something else other than what I was really passionate about and talented at doing. She said that ultimately, an artist is what I was and that to be off of that path would be disaster for me.
She talked about how she was in finance and business for years, would work her ass off and was well liked and yet never seemed to get any promotion or career progression. She said it’s because she was born to do what she does [i.e. readings, and I think she’s right] and that ultimately, fate wasn’t going to cooperate until she acknowledged that and went in that direction.
Acknowledgement isn’t my issue. But with a mortgage to pay, it’s the doing part that’s somewhat cumbersome.
And yet today, I had one of the most demoralizing days I think I’ve ever had at work and it had everything to do with what the psychic was talking about before. I had tucked her sliver of insight away in my brain like a bay leaf in a spice cupboard, only to realize it’s the key to the whole recipe.
I vacillate between not wanting to make assumptions and yet having to contend with my perceptions. And my perception, rightly or wrongly, is that I’ve worked my ass off for two years to essentially get nothing in terms of a career boost. Maybe I take things too personally. Maybe I care too much. Maybe this is just a bottomless pit I need to stop shoveling my energy into. Maybe I'm reading too much into things.
But I find myself where I always find myself with every job I’ve ever had; feeling overlooked, overwhelmed and used. And it’s not about anybody else and all about me. I’m what needs to get fixed here.
I have to get back on track. I just don’t know how. I feel like I’ve been off track for 15 years. It’s weird to intimately know a land so fundamentally alien to yourself.
What to do? With my Anemia Brain, there’s not much point trying to figure it out right now.
Esther’s right. Perception is reality.
And on that nugget of insight, nachos for dinner I think Dear Reader.
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3 comments:
i think you have progressed in your career, but that you (like most hard workers) feel so personally invested that when corporations and organizations don't give you your due...it is a kick in the heart. the trick, i think. is to play the game and perhaps expect the lame-ness...maybe even laugh at it. give yourself your due or act like they have even when they haven't YET. also, maybe give a little of what you are seeking to others in the office...sometimes people will return the favour. i think people can tell when you are feeling underappreciated and bitter and then instead of doing something positive to remedy the situation, they chock it up to YOUR bad attitude and difficult personality. which of course it isn't. then they stop liking working with you. maybe.
if you distract yourself with creative pursuits outside work, the work hassles may seem less important. not always easy i know.
anyhow, just my two cents. i think any career girl can relate. ask for what you want. don't assume they will award your good work by reading your mind and giving you what you want without having to ask. it's such a simple thing but i struggle with it all the time.
is this pep talk helping at all?
Yes.
But I think I return that favour all the time. I'm constantly pointing out the good job other people do. Maybe that's been to my own detriment.
Some how, some way I just need to get out of this track.
i think that right there is proof positive you are dealing with some class 1 turds at the office. if they can't return the favour of noticing the good, then their heads are too far up their own a**. savour the lameness! hard to laugh at it sometimes but they will be really stunned when you point out the humour. these types are not worth a dime of fret. you just have to figure out how to ride the wave, try not to let it bug you. from my experience with friends in the arts, it is not a sure bet things will be better there. actors, singers, directors, artists...sometimes creative egos are WORSE than office politics. the only remedy is to laugh yourself silly, and often.
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