All the World's a Stage

"What am I afraid of? Do I think I can't act? I know I can act, but I am afraid. I am afraid and I should not be and I must not be." a notation made in Marilyn Monroe's notebook while making Let's Make Love, 1960

"If you just be safe about the choices you make, you don't grow." - Heath Ledger

The "Oh my God!"'s started echoing around the office around 5:35 pm or so. We found out Heath Ledger had died and like most people, I was shocked. I think, however, I was genuinely surprised by how saddened the news had made me. Heath Ledger was one of those actors whose work I had always appreciated, but hadn't always liked. His choices were fearless and committed. That's what made him soar in some roles and become a clambering mess in others. But there was never a lack of authenticity, the one essential element every great actor needs.

All day long the prospect of rehearsal had been shadowing me. I've been going straight through since Sunday afternoon and had a job interview this morning to boot. It had all left me feeling a bit stretched. And then today's news. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt bad grudging the time I was going to spend on rehearsing, when so bright a light had just gone out. But I went, and schlepped through work that has reached its inevitable plateau.

At the beginning you're excited and the archeology begins. You enjoy finding the laughs, the layers, exploring possibilities. And then you start to learn your lines and want to do more but can't until you're not fumbling with a script in your hands. And it's at this point, when I begin to I feel I'm in No Man's Land. The character's escaped me, the lines get hollow. I know I need to dive deeper and don't have any idea how.

But as uncomfortable as this place was, I stood watching the other cast members tonight while our director was giving her notes. They are always great notes. She is incredibly knowledgeable and committed and compassionate and my instincts about wanting to work with her were bang on. She is making me a better actor. And it occurred to me that two months from now this will all be over.

I can't put my finger on it, but there is something special about this show, like we were all meant to come together when we did to do it. How ironic that a play about the concept of enchantment feels, to me, soaked in that very quality. I'm going to squeeze out every last drop I can.

At rehearsal I couldn't help but think about Ledger, how he had started out in community theatre and had fallen in love with acting at the age of 10. And now 18 years later, where that all ended up is where it's all ended - period.

It's heartbreaking.