All Over Bar the Cryin'

Today I took Toby to his new home - Brampton, of all places. It was very bittersweet. To be completely honest, I was hesitant. I really didn't want to give him away, but part of me felt overwhelmed at the thought of another cat.

It all started out well enough. I managed to get Toby into a kennel cab and up to his new place. His new family, quite simply, are my dream adoptees. I couldn't have asked for better people to give Toby a home. They were in love at first sight. As for Toby's new buddy, Zappa, he is a wonderful little fellow too. Neither of them were hissing or remotely aggressive with each other. It seemed almost meant to be. I said goodbye, leaving Toby under the couch lounging with Zappa, safe in the promise of more treats to come as his new Daddy remarked "Hello Toby. Welcome to the spa!" Heh!

Afterwards, I drove over to my parents house. I took a route up main street on what was a glorious late summer day. You can imagine, in weather like this, Brampton in its frontier prime, a small town in the country tagging on to Toronto's ascension, building quaint manor homes and cottages, welcoming industry, nary a shadow ahead - or so it must have seemed.

Rosy, my niece was waiting for me. She's been staying with her grandparents while her parents are in Thailand. She was so excited to see me because she was able, at long last and with much fanfare, to present me with her collection of Care Bears in their entirety. I was, needless to say, immensely impressed.

It was a great afternoon of chatting with my Mum, teaching Rosy dominos and blowing off the office work I was planning to do this weekend.

Courtesy of The Marine, I then returned home to a hallway emptied of all the things I had looked out for Goodwill yesterday . I had been merciless. We don't have a lot of extraneous items to begin with, but I was really thoughtful about this process, evaluating each item with the subtlety of Lorenzo Lamas on Are You Hot? Had I used it? Did I like it?

A perfect example was the white and gold ceiling fan I had. I had been keeping it for sentimental reasons. My Dad had installed it in my room and I remembered how decadent it felt to have a ceiling fan in my room as a pre-teen. I felt so classy and stylish, obtaining what I thought was my first legitimate taste of Harlowesque glamour.

That fan has been sitting in the spare room for over a year. We'll probably never use it. It fits essentially nowhere as far as our planned decor scheme is concerned. And in terms of sentiment, of what value is it to a memory of my father, lying in a room, redundant? I have so many other and better memories, other trinkets like letters he has written me and books he's picked up for me because he thought I'd like them. And my father is quite simply a practical man. As he would say "Get it outta here!"

Then I remembered the tail end of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes that we caught on TVO last night. Monroe was a killer comedienne, so vastly underrated. Who else could say a line like "I can be smart when it's important." and leave you laughing so hard you're hurting? I haven't thought of Monroe since my teenage obsession her. It was nice to be reminded of that time.

I headed upstairs, cloaked in a good memory. Old stuff I didn't use or want anymore was gone. I was feeling lighter. Then I got to the top and saw Cookie. All at once, I remembered how timid and angry he used to be, scowling under the bed, grudgingly coming out only to eat food. Some meds and one week with Toby later, he's a whole new cat who's actually letting me pet him. I remembered how yesterday morning, Toby was giving Cookie kisses.

I've been a basket case ever since, crying, wondering if I did the right thing giving Toby away. Even after being with us just a week, I'm gutted. I don't know why I'm so upset. The joy Toby's new guardians will obviously take from him being with them is of little comfort right now. I'm feeling his absence keenly.

Maybe I'm feeling other absences. Maybe I'm feeling what it's like to not be the rescuer all the time, to say look you handle this. I can't. Maybe I'm feeling relief. Maybe I'm feeling what it's like to just let go.

Maybe I'm feeling. Period.