Hello

My brain's too tired to blog, but I just wanted to say hi.

Point and Click

I was moving the blind back this morning so Jerry could have a good look out the window and enjoy the sun. For the first time this year, it was warm enough to smell the earth. It reminded me of being little. It's that "school is ending soon smell" you only get in the spring.

This weekend was a bit of a write off. I completely fell to pieces on Saturday in that I was exhausted and strung out. I don't know if the job is getting to me or other aspects of my life finally caught up with me. I'm just weird that way. I can literally experience the physicality of something weeks, sometimes months later. It's as if my body has a delayed response to stress. What it was, I don't know. But I do know that it takes more than a busy week at the office to buckle me.

That being said, despite how nice everybody is I'm really not sure about this job. More specifically, I'm not sure I want to remain in Interactive at all. I'm so tired of working in an arena most of my colleagues simply don't understand or appreciate, of constantly having to battle the perception that a point and click is all it takes to get things done.

For now, I'm focusing on what I can accomplish today. And I'll try to calm down.

Heavenly Hash ice cream works wonders in that regard, I must admit. LOL!

Wonderful

P.S. Check out the little Mariah with glasses at the front! LOVE IT!

Looking for Some Dynamite

"I am going to hunt down the shark, or whatever it is, and hopefully, kill it. I'm not sure how, maybe dynamite." Bill Murray as Steve Zissou

So as usual, I caved in. I thought this post was too whiny and I deleted it. I really shouldn't blog at 3 in the morning, when things seem so much worse than they are.

Summer Breeze

Of course Hassan was right. This week, despite the brutal amount of work I had coupled with my seemingly never ending disengagement with all things corporate, wasn't that bad.

Things at the new gig are settling down and I'm starting to feel like I actually know what I'm doing and where things are at. There's been a few bumps along the way, but nothing that didn't teach me a thing or two, and for the first time in ages, I'm having moments where I feel genuinely happy and content, as if some great weight has lifted.

And this weekend has presented sunshine, low winds and temps in the low 20's. We're all in summer shock.

I hope we still get some spring like days, but no matter if we don't. Winter was hard. I'm glad it's done.

I finally caved in and joined Facebook. I have not done so in any meaningful way. It's more because I really should have a better idea of how the damn thing works as far as my job is concerned. But it has been fun checking up on people to see where they're at in their lives and how they are doing.

I could be out in the garden this weekend getting things done, but that can wait. I'm just going to enjoy the sunshine and the birds and read some good books. My play seems like it was a year ago. Funny how time plays tricks on you like that. Having some time back to myself has been great.

And although the idea of my job contract ending next spring and having time off is appealing, it's become evident that my new salary presents the not too minor temptation of the ability to get paint and furniture and paving stones for the back garden. After 7 years, actually making my home how I want it to be has become a bonafide possibility. Is a whole summer to myself worth the prospect of yet another year of white walls?

We'll see.

HEH!

What a B*tch of A Week

This is the best I got right now Romanship.

Been A Bit Busy

Sorry Romanship. Work has been insane. As a result of this promotion I have budget development and strategic planning on my plate the next two weeks. Where are my company car and martini lunches I ask you?

Uh...Disturbing!

I read this today at the UK Guardian's site.

OH.MAH.GUH.

It was all I could do at an afternoon meeting not to wonder what everyone would look like dead.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Since the weekend, my brain and body have been adjusting to not having a show to do. I almost feel more tired now. I guess I just need some time to adjust, but I was looking forward to having room back in my brain for reading books and getting up to speed at my new job. That room doesn't seem to be presenting itself, except in letting me know the odd time that I'm really craving a Pepsi.

Ahem. Yes the job. A bit of a struggle still I’m afraid. Granted, it was the perfect storm starting my job at the same time as my show started and I was ill to boot. I have gone on and on Dear Reader, but I suppose I’m having an issue because I feel like I’m just really sucking large. I can’t get up to speed, don’t feel like I’m on top of things because I'm tired and I HATE feeling like that.

And I suppose if I could muster a modicum of interest I’d feel more heartened, but I can’t. I’ve gone from feeling so unsure of myself that I nearly walked away from an audition in late November to now continually scheming about how I can act full time. I need the next audition like a junkie needs a hit.

I just can’t get focused and given that this gig is a good one, and is paying the rent as it were, I feel bad. It's been my essential conundrum my entire working life, wanting to feel like I'm doing something worthwhile and meaningful, wanting to be engaged with my employer, but deep down feeling like I am not.

Update: 04/2/2008 - Well I got a good night's sleep. Don't feel like my cranium is so filled with jello anymore. Ah yes. Hope springs eternal.