Merry Christmas!

Have a lovely holiday and talk to you soon!

Counting Down...

This morning, I looked out our upstairs window to see what we call "the Shrek Cat" in our neighbourhood taking a huge dump in our yard. A foot of snow has turned our yard into a glorified litter box.

Oh the holidays. Can't. Come. Soon. Enough.

Last night I couldn't get to sleep. Neither could the Marine. I ended up saying that end of November I'd been looking forward to Christmas, now I just want it over with. He said I reminded him of a kid who'd torn the arms off their favourite doll. He thought that was sad. I had to agree, but it's just one of those years where the holidays have sneaked up on me. What are you gonna do? You just have a bad year once in a while so I've settled in with my anemic grumps cause hey, I could be one of the kids that watched their Mom get wiped out by a snow plow during the storm last Sunday. Perspective is everything.

Workwise, I finally got through everything I "must" do prior to Christmas and now I'm hoping I can slow down a bit. I'm looking forward to two weeks of sleeping in and watching movies. I'm also going back to see that psychic that I saw last year so that should be interesting.

I'm still nursing my crush on Atonement. I think the last movie I was taken with this much was Kingdom of Heaven. Discovering James McAvoy has been like finding a ruby ring in a box of buttons. What a phenomenally talented actor he is. I thought Kiera Knightley really came into her own with Atonement as well. I was very impressed by her.

That's my dream, to be a part of a film this magnificent.

But maybe I should finish my Christmas shopping first!

Tis the Season Y'all

Darkness Falls

My boss has a good theory about why the darkness is getting to everybody this winter. He reminded me that we rolled the clocks back later this year so it's probably thrown everybody off.

I feel like lead under an eraser. It's wiping me out.

The one highlight of today was talking with my Granny on the phone. She is doing much better and the hospital is now deciding on next steps. It's been nerve wracking. I realize she is in her 80's. I realize people die, but this is a difficult time of year. Ten years ago we lost my aunt and my grandfather within days of each other and to be blunt, I don't want a third anniversary to contend with.

In the meantime, is it wrong of me to admit that I'm struggling to do even the minimal amount of work at the moment? I think everyone is. I've just completely run out of steam despite my week's vacation. I can't wait until new year when I have another two weeks off. All I can think about right now is acting, and scripts, and memorizing more monologues and how I'll get an agent, and why did I apply for another job in my company that sounded like fun when frankly I'll probably have an easier time auditioning if I stay where I am, and that I need to lose weight, and get new headshots and how on earth will I pay for all that and that I'm still a bit scared and that I'm reading through my play terrified that I can't memorize all my lines in time, that I'll blank on stage, and that I need to start doing yoga and going to my club and.....

Did I mention the darkness is getting to me?

Let It Snow

We're currently riding out the first bonafide snow storm of the year. It's 3:30 p.m. and there's a foot of snow on the ground. I can't recall the last time there was such an unapologetic storm, such a full on assault from winter. The Marine's been out in it for two hours or so, walking around running errands and picking up groceries. I think he likes winter in his own way. It's certainly pretty seeing the street draped in white curtains of snow and feeling the city quiet as it hunkers down. It happens so rarely now. The Marine wonders what the big deal is. "We had snow falls every week like this when I was a kid." he observed as he headed out the door.

I have no such ambition. I slept in until noon and have been cocooning ever since. As much as everyone collectively moans, I think that inwardly we're all grateful for an enforced respite.

Sitting inside, listening to the wind howl, I'm thinking of my grandmother. Regretfully, I found out yesterday that she has been in hospital since Tuesday and was not doing too well earlier today. She seems to be better now and my Dad is hoping to go over to see her tomorrow. Travel today is next to impossible.

I keep thinking about the last time I saw her, and how much fun I had learning more about knitting. We had delicious food, great coffee and we talked a bit about her childhood. I never knew she had wanted to become a nurse. My paternal grandmother is as sharp as a pin and I think she would have been a great nurse - hell - a great doctor. But she grew up in a time where it was only deemed of value to educate men and the money for school went to her brothers.

I think often of my grandmothers in this context, how it is unimaginable for me to be in a world where I don't have options and where so many other people and circumstances would make my decisions for me. And I think of my own mother who worked outside the home, and all the crap she had to put up with. It's one of the main reasons why my own ambitions are so important me, why the lost time I've had feels like such a colossal waste, and why it is imperative I remain true to myself. I need to honour the lack and the sacrifice of the other women in my family that now makes so many things in my world a given.

Speaking of great ladies, I met with Dallas yesterday for our annual holiday get-together. This year we wanted to do something different and decided to unleash our inner Victorians and have afternoon tea. We'd originally settled on Red Tea Box on Queen Street, but I found the staff member who answered the phone so rude and abrupt when she informed me in an "oh you silly person" tone that they don't take reservations, that I immediately got in touch with Dallas and in my usual eloquence declared, "They can f*ck right off. Let's go somewhere else."

What I love about Dallas is that she is never short of great ideas, particularly when it comes to fabulous outings. Her suggestion was tea at the Windsor Arms hotel. Fortunately, I was able to secure a reservation for their Twilight Tea, which commences at 5:30 p.m. What can I say about the Windsor Arms? It's considered to be one of the preeminent hotels in the city, famous for its celebrity guests during the golden age of touring stars in the 50 and 60's. Before they renovated it and built a condo on top for good measure, they had a contents auction. My parents purchased a headboard, two beautiful deco chairs and some works of art I believe.

It didn't disappoint, although there was some throwing of napkins and cutlery that seemed almost brutal in its contrast to the expected gentility of a formal tea, the finger sandwiches were a little stale and there was a lack of tongs for obtaining then, all of which Dallas saw a decided slip in the refinement of previous standards. I freaking love this woman.

It was overly priced, ostentatious and the valets were hot. In other words, utterly perfect.

We spent a lot of time catching up and she was very excited to hear of my upcoming theatrical adventures. I'd actually arrived early and had spent half an hour at Theatre Books across the street. It was wonderful. I've also cracked out Uta Hagen's A Challenge for the Actor, a text from my school days in New York, and have begun reading it again. I'm appreciating her insight all over again and it's amazing to think of the period she started in American theatre [late 30's] and some of the people she knew and worked with [the Barrymores, Stella Adler, Clifford Odets].

Anyway, here's to an easy dig out tomorrow and my grandmother's recovery. Wherever you are, keep warm.

Dis N' Dat

Early this morning I awoke to find Terror seated beside me. He took my hand and said “You do realize you only have two months to learn an entire play’s worth of lines right?”

This was just before I fell back asleep and dreamt the Marine had a glass of ginger ale so big, he had to rest it on a milk crate. I was laughing at him because it looked so funny and he laughed too and said “But I’m so thirsty!”

I am also developing an unhealthy obsession with Malteezers lately.

[GYNO ALERT!]

I had my you-know-what last week and I’ve been totaled for this one. I’m now approaching six months of supplementation so I’ll be speaking to the saw bones on this forthwith. This just shouldn’t be happening anymore, but on the plus side I am still feeling way better than I used to so it's important to keep that in mind.

[END GYNO ALERT]

So I’ve been struggling on as best I can, counting the days to my two week vacation in January. I found out yesterday I didn’t get a more senior position I’d applied for at work, but it’s probably just as well. There were some aspects I don’t think I would have enjoyed much anyway. As my Granny used to say, "what’s for you won’t go by you, good or bad", so you just have to trust that things work out as they should.

In the meantime, I’ve been spending lunches and evenings researching talent agencies in the city. I’m just trying to plan ahead a little bit and be prepared. Hell, I may do a mail out and see if I can get some of them to come see me in my show. I’ll see how I feel closer to the time.

Twinkle, Twinkle

I know my supplementation of iron and vitamin D is making a difference Dear Reader, but LAWD, have mercy. This year the dark seems so relentless. The sun is no sooner up, then drops like an end of show curtain.

I’m back at work this week and have begun to wonder if there’s something in the air at my office. I got up feeling quite good today, then came in to work and by noon, had an awful headache and felt tired. I can’t believe it’s purely psychosomatic. Maybe I’m allergic to work? Heh.

Anyway, there wasn’t too much to catch up on and I’m really glad I took the time off to rest and recuperate. [Although Ragdoll and I went to see Atonement yesterday and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Just an absolutely gut wrenching film.] Although watching the screen I couldn’t help but think “that will be me one day. I’m going to do it. It’s going to happen.”

At this point I’m trying to get back into the swing of things here and am genuinely excited to have rehearsals to go to soon! My earlier excerpt here about enchantment is actually from the play I’ll be in and I thought it rather appropriate.

In the expanded monologue, Lotty is talking about befores and afters, how you can’t have an after without losing a before, and how you can get lost at times, wondering if waiting and hoping and well, wondering are the only “after” you’re ever going to get.

I really identified with that sentiment as I have felt that way for a while. For quite some time, I was only sure that I was stuck, and that I was completely at a loss as to how to get unstuck.

How could I act when I physically felt so awful all the time?
How could I write when I felt so depressed?
How could I sing when acid reflux was burning my vocal chords?

And now, having come through to the other side of the above, the only advice I can offer if you’re contending with your own obstacles is that you must keep going. You must, because the only other option is to give up and never get where you want to go. Sometimes the only step you can take towards your dream is to remember it. Quite simply, you will go through times where you need to deal with what is happening in the here and now. Those grand visions of what could be have to remain just that for a time.

Answers arrive, but I’ve realized that they arrive faster if you lose your rage at your current circumstances. In my case, I really needed to listen to what my body was telling me. Instead, I beat myself up for being weak, took minimal care of myself and kept running ragged, kept thinking I just needed to be tougher.

And yet after everything I’ve tried and all the weird therapies and self-flagellation I put myself through over the years, it’s solving a simple iron/vitamin D riddle that has once again instilled my world with possibility. I am starting to feel like a normal human being, no longer overwhelmed by the basic day-to-day of life. I now feel ready, in every respect, to take on the extra work that a career in the arts will demand of me, particularly while I have to hold down a day job.

But there was a time when holding down a job was all I could do. I don’t know why things transpired as they did, but they have. It’s not what I had planned and at times, was extremely hurtful and sad because it’s one thing to fail. It’s quite another to feel like you’re not even getting your chance to try. But experience can have the tremendous consolation of insight and I think there were some things I needed to “get” before obstacles were going to get moved out of my way, before solutions would present themselves.

For one thing, I think I was too beholden to other people’s opinions before. The least amount of praise or criticism would have swayed me. I was solid in some important ways, as flimsy as a Chinese lantern in others. I’d convinced myself that “the work” was everything, but realistically, “the business” could have eaten me alive. I’m less afraid now, less concerned with being approved of. As a result my work is more authentic and quite simply better.

The last few years I have felt like a thirsty man trudging in a desert and I suppose the new thought that entered my head lately, was that I couldn’t keep waiting for the “right” oasis to come along. If I kept waiting to give myself permission to act only when I could do it professionally, I’d be waiting a really long time. I had to meet myself where I was, and community theatre was a place where I could do this, where I could work on my craft and start building on the foundation I had laid so long ago.

And that’s when I read the audition notice, and just got a feeling I should do it. It’s why I put the part on my resume in advance as act of faith. It’s why I ignored the usual voices of dismay that for so many years, have mitigated my disappointment in advance.

“You won’t get it anyway.”
“You’re too fat.”
“It’s community theatre. You gotta be kidding me.”
“You’re too tired. You can’t keep up. Why bother?”
“You haven’t auditioned in ten years.”

I’m now listening to new voices.

“Where were you? Welcome back.”
“This is who you are.”
“Look at some of the people that are working in this business! If they can do it, you sure as hell can!”
"Isn't this great?"

Then the day after I got the part, I indirectly heard another voice. I found a card I had bought years ago that to my mind, had the final say in the matter. Here is what it said:

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Elliot

Everything about this road feels right. I'm happy to go where it plans on taking me.

Duuuuuuuuuhhhhh

Well I have a decided case of "vacay brain" at the moment, so I'll try to get back here as soon as I can.

Overture

"Were it only that some enchantment would step in for us all, to change what we have into what we wish for. To bridge the awkward gap between all of our many befores and afters." - Lotty, Enchanted April

I got the part.