Cold Rag and the Q1 Boogie

And so it's begun. Back into my first week of training. I started with a Wednesday night spin glass and a Thursday night Gravity class.

Spinning was intense and great. The lights go out and there are coloured ambient lights that transition as "Wallace" the trainer talks you through the various phases. There are modules that are placed on each bike that you plug your earphones into so the sound of both the music and his voice are crystal clear.  Wallace is seriously and awesomely good at this. The talk through is flawless, the sequences great as is the choice of music for each segment. I did a 45 minute class and when Wallace remarked that it was only 8 minutes to go, I felt like I'd only been biking for 20 minutes.

Downsides? Well the seat hurts like a mother. You literally need to break in your butt muscles so they get used to the seat. And the machines at my gym are top of the line and the seats are well cushioned. It was bloody agony at times, but I kept going.  Then at the end, Wallace distributed wet wash cloths straight out the fridge. Honestly, the feeling of it hitting my overheated face and neck was akin to the second coming of Christ.

Gravity was very challenging, but interesting. You use a machine sort of like a Pilates reformer and the resistance comes from your own body weight, the machine adjusted accordingly for different intensities. You work your whole body. This is where I can honestly say I felt weak in some areas, and I have been most sore and tired from this class.  But now that the pain is lifting and I can feel that solidification in my muscles that comes on when they get stronger. I'm already feeling addicted to it.  Gravity is going to be a hard class. It's aptly named, given how well it's brought me down to earth in terms of my current fitness state.

So yes, sore and tired, as expected. I had a rotten week at work, and was then up at 7am on Saturday to go catch Rosy's basketball toss tournament.[She came in 2nd by the way and is going to the All Ontario finals. Woot!]

It all caught up with me a bit and I was immensely grateful this morning that I didn't have to go to spin today.  I was the only one booked in, given the gold medal hockey game at the Olympics. I'll go tomorrow and God help me, that's me working out for four days in a row. I'm hoping I can take it and not get "emnoyed."

This is a new word I've coined. It's kind of like "hangry" except it's the combination of trying to hold down a job while trying to move ahead in other areas of your life and not having enough time for either.  Working out and getting in shape, quite simply, wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have a job. I'd have proper time to rest. But there are far bigger problems to have. I just need to guard against getting worn down because it affects my mood so negatively. Plus work has been a gauntlet run lately.

But it's all ending this Friday. The Q1 Austerity Beast has struck, and the freelance budget was hit hard.

I was initially pretty worried about this not sleeping well etc. I know logistically I'll find something else. I always do. It just took me a little while to adjust to it. I have some full time permanent opportunities that look like they might amount to something, but part of me is beginning to enjoy freelancing, which I didn't expect.

There are many things to recommend it though. You get to work in different places. You're typically there to cover off something specific so you tend not to get overloaded with work. Frankly, the client tends to be delighted if you can show up, ramp up and get shit done quickly. You get to meet tons of new people and experience different businesses and work environments. You learn. A lot.

It may be that this is where my career is now moving. Who knows? Right now, I'm open to anything.

As Ragdoll and I so often say to each other: Head down. Work hard. Keep going.

It can accomplish miracles.

Back to Training

I'm taking a bit of a risk and have decided to sign up at a new gym. No harm to Goodlife. I love me some Goodlife. But honestly,  I was getting tired of the crowds at peak hours BEFORE I stopped going there. Now I hear my old locale is even worse.  I really had to be honest with myself. I still need some sort of incentive to work out, be it the commitment to a trainer and time, the threat of financial loss if I don't show up, and sometimes a combination of both. I don't enjoy exercising. But I enjoy the results and that's what I need to drive towards. I don't trust myself right now to just go of my own accord.

This gym I've joined offers three types of classes: Spin, TRX and gravity. The classes are kept small so you get individualized attention. It's not as cheap as a regular membership, but I figure the plusses far outweigh the negatives. I'm getting trainer expertise, but not paying full training session prices, it's a good locale close to home, you have to book a spot in advance so the crowd control is built in and all the classes are things I've never tried before.  And I can go month to month so if it gets too pricey, I can bail.  Why not try something different?

Plus I feel like I'm in a much better place to start training again. Before I was dealing with Vitamin D, Iron and Essential Fatty Acid deficiencies. I had a sleep disorder and depression. Now I have none of those things. I'm not on any medications, the nutritional deficiencies are dealt with and I sleep better now than I have in years.

I can only imagine that training, though not easy, won't be as hard as it was before.

I also didn't want to go back to Goodlife because I didn't want my trainer seeing me having gained a bunch of weight back. Is that dumb? Prolly. But I guess I just needed a fresh start somewhere else too. I associate a lot of different things with that time in my life, the time I first started training. Going back to the same place to train, I dunno. It just seemed counterproductive. I wanted to go somewhere different to clear the slate and inject a sense of momentum into things.

For the most part, I don't really feel much momentum elsewhere. This winter is unabated, I can't seem to get a permanent job, my financial progress is slower than I would like. Working out is an effective antidote to those things. Beginning, middle end. Week in. Week out. You start to find it easier to lift things. All those reps start paying off.  I want to have that feeling again.

I've also started my singing lessons again, and I know in my bones that to gain any mastery there, I've really got to get my physical self on point. No ifs, and or buts.

What can you do but keep trying?

The Randomness Continues...

I had a nice rebound last weekend. I was out doing some shopping and decided to try some stuff on. To my delight, all of it fit. Granted some of it was snug, but the point is I now have a lot more options available to me in terms of clothes, which is a great feeling. Plus I'm able to take advantage of really great sales prices, something I couldn't do before.

Another thing I noticed was after hours of walking around, my feet weren't sore and my legs weren't tired. I really felt in that small moment that all my hard work this past year has paid off. Even though I'm not the size I would like to be and losing weight is still a struggle, I'm getting fitter all the time. I can only think that if I keep going and continue to monitor my eating, that things will take care of themselves.

* * *

Last week at work was tough. Just felt bombarded and demoralized. I've found though that I've gotten much better at just ratcheting myself down. I have to work against the neurological ruts in my brain that default me to a state of anxiety. I've found that simple things like just focusing on my breathing for a few moments really helps. I calm down and regain perspective. I think part of it is that I feel like I'm fighting below my weight. I get bored. By the same token, I don't want more responsibility than I have, in that I feel like the demands of something more senior isn't something I want to take on. I'm grateful for a job, particularly the one I have, and at the same time, am constantly negotiating my resentment of the time it takes up in my life because it's not fundamentally what I want to do. I'm still trying to sort all this out.

* * *

I had an audition for a play a few weeks ago. I really wanted the part. I got called back but ultimately didn't get it. The pisser was, they asked if I wanted to come back and read for the part of the mother. That really ticked me off. I was thinking, ok if I'm good enough to play 25 years beyond my age range, why aren't I good enough for the lead you called me back for? I politely declined, and frankly, it was nice to do so. It was just nice to say I don't want to do this, for no other reason than that I didn't want to do it.

Part of it was my own fault as well. Well not really. I ordered a copy of the play in plenty of time, but Theatrebooks didn't get it in prior to my audition. I did try. I could have gotten to the reference library, but I ended up not doing this for various reasons. I do work full time, am training and otherwise have a busy life. So essentially, I went into the call back and held my own doing cold readings. I also got called back with actresses with a lot more experience.

I'll keep at it, but damn, I really wanted that part.

Randomness

"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. By God, you learn." ~ C.S. Lewis

A new year is almost upon us. For me, 2010 has been inspiring and utterly heartbreaking all at the same time. I feel like I have learned a lot about myself, that I have grown up in some very meaningful ways and am better prepared for the future. In others I feel very childlike, as if I am ambling like a toddler through a terrain with which others are already well acquainted.

I am trying to sort myself out.

* * *

Since my last posting, I did manage to get back to yoga. The first two weeks after my bad respiratory virus, I did restorative yoga on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The Tuesday night class was more active, with 20 minutes of poses and I was very heartened when my teacher noted that I was a lot stronger since I last saw her. I have to admit, it was a great feeling to barrel through poses I had struggled with in the past, to experience them in a completely different way.

The Thursday night class was more passive in the sense that you have a practitioner working with you to move you through all the poses and stretches. There's atmospheric music, blankets, aromatherapy and comfy padding. It's totally deluxe and I feel like I've had a full body massage by the time I'm done.

I lasted two weeks of doing Tuesday and Thursday yoga as well as weight training and then the pace of things started to get to me. It was tough getting home late five nights a week and I had to ease it back in order to keep going.

Post holiday budget armageddon, I'm hoping I have enough money to book more classes and get into some more active yoga. It's a good counter to my weight training and cardio [such as it is these days.] It balances me out and makes me feel good about myself.

* * *

I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't discouraged by my weight right now. I'm discouraged in the sense that I'm still not at a normal weight and can't wear clothes I want to wear. Plus I'm impatient by nature, so this only compounds things. I've just accepted this and acknowledged it, but at the same time have also focused mental energy on the positive things I have accomplished in the past year. Some of these things include:

Being able to military press 50 lbs. I can't remember my rep count on this, but it was definitely more than five reps and a personal best.

I went from 24 sits up on an exercise ball damn well near killing me to being able to hold myself up in a "V" position [bent knees] while my trainer throws me a 12 lb medicine ball from both sides. I do two sets of 15 reps both sides.

The Return to the Land of Normal - This marked the first year I could shop for clothing in a lot of normal sized stores. Granted, I fit into their large and extra large sizes, but they are not plus size stores. I also bought new winter boots today, boots that I love and that wouldn't have fit over my ankles a year ago. I'm down three full sizes. It's nice to have options.

* * *

I had brunch with Indigo last weekend at Nadege and as always, parted from her company feeling inspired. I went across the street to the Japanese Paper Place and bought myself a couple of pink mole skin note books for me to start using during my training. I'm going to start writing down what I do so I can keep track of it myself. Obviously my trainer does this already, but I find that things just aren't sticking in my brain. I don't have the level of competence yet to be able to say "I'm going to train this, this and this today at these weights..." This is the next logical step for me. Indigo was talking about how she tracks her physical progress in writing and makes notes of her goals, so I decided I would do the same.

* * *

I've stumbled across a theme lately in blogs, articles and the like that I've been reading. They're written by women who are recollecting the power of their youth and beauty in some respect and how they are feeling the loss of these things or a if not an outright loss, at least a transitioning away from these things to another phase in their life in which other things are more important.

I don't remember my youth as a time of power in any real respect. I remember a sort of blind hope and optimistic feeling about my future, a sense that somehow I would be able to stumble along, figure it all out somehow and get to where I wanted to go, that unique giddiness one feels when you know there is more time ahead of you then behind.

But powerful? No. Beautiful? No.

It's the latter in particular that keeps coming up; women noticing they don't get checked out as much as they used to or not having a tummy as effortlessly tight and flat as it was when they were in their twenties. I have to say I just can't relate to this at all, at least not right now, where I am and based on my experiences. It's only in retrospect that I realize there were men in my past that were attracted me. But I certainly didn't think at the time that I had beauty that could get me any thing, any man or get me ahead in any respect. And I certainly didn't feel strong physically.

I suppose if being overweight has any gift, it's that you learn to rely on more internal measures to get what you want out of life. But the price you pay, at least as I see it, is that the full cross section of experience is closed off to you. That's what a big part of my personal training has been about, getting myself back into my whole body, not just living from the collar bone up.

Still, it's all well and good to be able to climb Mt. Kilamanjaro if I want to, but fitting into a size 10 dress would be nice too.

* * *

I got a new car a couple of weeks ago. It's a 2011 Subaru Impreza and I love it. I just couldn't take another winter of worrying about another major repair bill. I'd rather know what I'm paying month to month and have big repairs covered by a warranty. I'm glad I did it and I'll worry about what I'll do with the buyback 3 years from now. Although it's an automatic, and not as engaging to drive as my Forester, I have to admit that overall I'm just physically more comfortable in my new car. I think my legs are perhaps too short to drive manual well in that I always seemed to be so far forward.

It's also amazed me how much joy a purely material and utilitarian possession can give.

* * *

I want to write here about my trips to Scotland this year and about my uncle. But not yet.

* * *

I've been having some strange dreams this week, almost like I have been mentally cleaning house. I have to admit, I've awoken feeling lighter the last couple of days.

In one I saw my maternal Grandfather. He died when I was 17 and I have never dreamed of him. [I do believe I saw his ghost once but that's another story.] Anyway, my grandfather was sitting at a table and smiled when he saw me. I could hear my Granny talking in the background and I was just so happy to be with them both.

In another dream, the first man I ever loved turned to me and kissed me. Afterward, he said that he was sorry for having hurt me.

Better Songs to Sing

Had my first fitness progress check in ages yesterday. I found it heartening, but ultimately anti-climatic.

The good news…

I have lost 16 pounds of fat.
I have gained 5 pounds of muscle
I’ve lost about 5 inches from my waist and that’s with the usual mid month bloat.
I can do 100 squats with flawless form albeit labored breathing by the 60-something mark.
I am almost at the norm for ab strength, quite an accomplishment given 25 crunches on the ball used to damn well near kill me.
I did a push up test and am in the “good” range. It’s the first time in my life I’ve been classified as “good” at anything remotely athletic.

On the frustrating side…

I’m still in the 200s weight wise. I am less than 10 pounds away from being out of “the twos” and it’s immensely annoying to still be there after working so hard for nearly a year.

I am this close to a size 14. Not bad considering I used to be a 20, but again, 14 is decidedly back in the land of normal and I’d like to definitively be there, versus still having a muffin top when I wear size 14 pants.

I’m not comfortable wearing dresses or skirts just yet. I still feel like my legs are too chunky. I would love to wear dresses and skirts and high heels again.

It’s not that I don’t feel I’ve made progress, quite the opposite. The day-to-day of my life feels completely different. So many things are easier and my workouts have been a great source of solace in the past year. At least three times a week, I carve out time for myself and usually I have to be so engaged in what I’m doing that I don’t have time to be concerned about anything other than the next rep. It’s a great mental release from my thoughts about a person or pet that has died, or the next thing at work I need to get completed.

I guess the reason there’s no “ta da!” here is that I’ve made fitness more a part of who I am and what I do versus being a goal to achieve in and of itself. It’s not as if you lose all the weight you want to lose, or get back into that little black dress and then you’re done. There is always the next challenge, the next target to hit.

I’ve been amazed at what my body has been capable of and how it’s improved. I remember when a 3.0 walking pace on the treadmill used to make my lower legs acidic with pain. Now I bang out 4 minutes of running at 5.3 to warm up and think nothing of it. It’s not easy, but it’s not ridiculously hard either.

I guess fundamentally, I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I’ve gone through what I’ve gone through the past year and didn’t stop trying to improve myself. Other than a week’s illness, a week’s vacation and a couple of really tired days, I have worked out a minimum of three times a week consistently, and that’s with an iron deficiency and trying to get a sleep disorder remedied. That ain’t too shabby.

Still as Willy Russell would say, there are “better songs than this” to sing.

I’d like to continue my training to the point where I don’t need a trainer anymore and can train myself .

I want to walk into a clothing store and not worry about whether anything will fit or not. A couple of weeks ago I experienced the sheer joy of putting something back on the rack because I thought it was too expensive, not because I knew it wouldn’t fit.

I want to get an agent and do voice over work full time.

My first trainer was right. You are always stronger than you think. It hasn’t been easy going to my fitness club looking the way I have and still do. I still feel judged. It’s the essential irony of being overweight. I think people, particularly men, view you as out of control and not really having your shit together or being able to take care of yourself.

I’ve exhausted myself the past decade trying to take care of myself. Having to be in the world as an overweight person has given me reservoirs of emotional endurance and independence of which others can only dream. The only difference between me and an alcoholic, workaholic, whatever-holic is that the toll life is taking is written on my body. Try holding down a job chronically sleep deprived. It’s not exactly the domain of scatterbrained pussies.

If intention and discipline were all it took to lose weight, I’d be anoxeric by now. The difference this time around is that I have continued to make my intention actionable. I kept going no matter what, and that is what has made all the difference. I decided last year to take my life back and I have.

I remember my current trainer telling me at the beginning of our working together, that small dietary changes and the consistency of working out combined with time will always bring results. He was absolutely right.

I’m going to start fine tuning things. I want to see what else I can do.

Stitches

I started working out again today for the first time in about three weeks. It went incredibly well and with it being so light in the mornings now, I feel like I'll be able to get my momentum back quickly. Really my main objective is not to stop entirely, even if I pause. It was nice to still feel strong and be able to pick up where I left off. Progress is progress.

I did feel a bit shabby today though. I desperately need to get a haircut and some new clothes. As much as I'm loathe to do so, I think my credit card will need to come out for an emergency intervention of some kind.

But God, how I hate clothes shopping. Hate it!

I must be seriously deficient in a girlie gene somewhere. I'm the only woman I know who hates the entire process of maintaining a wardrobe. It's not the fact that I'm overweight, although I admit that if I had more options clothing wise I'd probably find the process less tedious. But tedious it is to me nonetheless.

Look around. See something you like. Find a size. Get a dressing room. Change. Twirl in front of the mirror.

Repeat as necessary.

Itunes is so much easier.

Where Did the Week Go?

"Why is it that every f*&ked up cop lives on a boat?" - Ragdoll's commentary on Pride and Glory

Has it really been a week? Really?

Well not sure how that happened but I can only put it down to daylight savings time. I dragged my ass into work all week, essentially negating any sleep catch up I gained from my vacation. Still, I've continued to feel good, if a bit worn out. I'm looking forward to spring, to the tulips that are now just poking up through the soil, to warm breezes.

In other news, the Guru got engaged! I've been hunting high and low for a "congrats on your engagement" card. Do you think I can find this anywhere? Of course not. Call me old school, but some things just warrant a little bit more than a posting on someone's Facebook wall, so I'll need to keep looking.

Had my second sleep test on Friday night. This time my technician was named Vasily. He's from Belarus and has been in Canada for 20 years. I like to chat with the technicians, especially during my Borg assimilation procedure where they paste all the electrodes on my head. I originally had my test scheduled for Thursday, but it got moved to Friday because I was the only one booked. Thank God it did get moved because I had an awful night's sleep and going into work would have been hell. Utter. Hell.

Ahem.

So that basically screwed up my sleep quite a bit, not to mention the fact that I didn't exercise on Friday. I'm not gonna put my trainer's business out there, but suffice it to say she had a family emergency so we weren't working out. Seriously, it's been a gauntlet run for that chick. But this weekend I was able to get some more clutter busting done. We managed to get to Value Village and the Toronto Humane Society, but alas, we were defeated by the St. Patrick's Day parade and couldn't get leftover magazines to Princess Margaret hospital. The Marine gave me props for trying, but I was too tired and just didn't have the killer instincts you need when you're driving in those kind of conditions.

I ended my weekend at Ragdoll's house for dinner. She makes a mean cod and brussel sprouts and it was nice to see each other in the flesh after such a long time.

I'm getting a bit more into the swing of things at work. I'm still fighting the boredom factor, but I'm just focusing my energies on being thankful for a job - period. As for workouts, they start again on Wednesday. It'll be tough, but I just have to keep going at this point.

Here's something else I stumbled across on Daily Beast, an interesting article by John Forté on his stint in prison. What I like even more is his version of Running Up That Hill. I usually consider Kate Bush sacred, but I really loved this.

Petty Frustrations

Today was my first day back. It was a little rough, primarily due to a supreme lack of sleep. We had howling winds and lashing rain. I hate wind like that. It goes right through me and makes me feel wrung out.

And my brain just would not calm down. It's like a default mechanism that flips on, that makes me start anticipating and planning when what I really need to do is get to sleep.

And of course, there was Daylight Savings Time.

I went into work all full of good intentions but as usual, my brain just shut down. I don't know what the problem is exactly. I work with great people. I now have quite a fun job and yet most days, my general feeling is "meh." I just can't garner any enthusiasm.

My boss is amazing, so quick and smart, so engaged. Meanwhile I'm fighting the urge to go read Perez Hilton. I wish I could shake this feeling and feel less detached. I care about my work and want to do well. I just care about other work more I suppose. In many ways, I think I'm subconsciously resisting the recalibration in my department. By no means do I want my boss' responsibilities. I think my brain just doesn't want to learn another new job. Again. I need to get around this somehow.

On the up side, I've been feeling better physically than I have in ages. I think my iron and vitamin D are both finally approaching meaningful levels. It's the only thing that makes sense to me as an explanation, well that and getting a vacation, but this feeling of wellness is more in my bones, not the relaxed veil of detachment a week off the grid can bring. Long may it continue.

For I can only hope it remains as I go back on Wednesday for my first work out in a month. I'm still enjoying my fitness program, but my last workout was tough. It's nice though to feel myself making progress, to have clothes now hanging slack where I used to fill them.

But I still think that elliptical machine's gonna be a killah.

Covergirls, Winter and the Love Boat

This week has felt eternal.

Everyone I've talked to is hitting the February wall. We are grey, tired and frozen.

My medication is helping me sleep in the sense that I feel for the first time in years that I have actually done so, but I couldn't tell you the last time I was so work tired. I'm white knuckling it until Monday, when my boss returns. We'll go through an inevitable recalibration, but the worst is over.

How I have hung on since October I don't know. But what I have discovered is that the Employee From Hell has fared just fine thanks very much despite everyone's fears that they would fall to pieces, and that having gotten more involved on the content side, it's become abundantly clear how consumately full of shit they were, how much they were puffing up the reality of their contribution. Frankly, I'm still puzzled as to why they went out of their way to create more work and make it fundamentally more difficult than it needed to be.

I suppose this past situation is on my mind because my new employee is so the polar opposite, so funny, so skilled, so wonderful to work with that it's like a completely different department. Or put another way, it's nice to feel somebody has my back, instead of trying to put a knife in it. It's nice to finally get on with things and leave a bad situation to memory.

Speaking of bad situations, my work out this morning was hard. HARD Y'ALL. I had absolutely nothing to give, but somehow I got through it.

Oh what I wouldn't give right now though to leave for a morning work out in 10 degrees and sunrise.

I'm still continuing to tone up, however, any loss of inches around around my waist continues to elude me. I will keep trucking however, and perhaps talk to my new sawbones about this situation next week. In the meantime, my trainer has me doing a food journal. I hate food journals, but I'll do it anyway. I just inevitably forget and then have to remember three days of meals.

I can't remember my middle name most days. I can tell you the dialogue from a Love Boat episode I watched 30 years ago, but the short term stuff, eh not so good.

I was also inspired by my workout by the soundtrack at the club. I went on an old school download binge at Itunes today. The Covergirls. OMG! I remember them!

Enjoy. We goin' all out y'all.

We Can Rebuild Him

This past Monday my Dad made it through hip replacement surgery. Having seen Ragdoll go through it, I knew it was no walk in the park [no pun intended], but I also knew that the end result would be worth the effort of recovery.

The last two years have not been kind to my family on the health front. There was my mother's leukemia in 2007 and for the most of that year and last, my Dad's been hobbling around like a drunken sailor, pain and diminishing mobility his ever constant companions. Now he's back at home, off intravenous pain killers and with a strong dose of determination and Tylenol 3's, he's ready to start his journey back to normalcy.

My parents don't talk about these things too much. Sure, they have their days, but it's not in their nature to complain about infirmity. They just get on with things. Still, serious illness, both in yourself and others, is a disconcerting thing to experience. As I get older I hear of other friends whose parents have gotten sick or worse, have died and it has caused me to really cherish what time I have with my family because who knows what curve balls life has planned, how much longer any of us will be here.

As my maternal Granny used to say "You never know the minute, and it's probably just as well."

It's probably a case of "scared straight" but my parents' illnesses coincided with my anemia beginning to resolve, which meant I had a hope in hell of sticking with an exercise program without getting ill. Seeing what my parents have gone through has only strengthened my resolve to get fit and lose weight once and for all. I think I'll need this determination next week especially. Circuit training starts. Oy vey.

Still, I like the feeling of getting stronger even if my clothes aren't that much baggier yet. I actually look forward to my work outs now, which given the fact I'm the worst morning person I know, is a minor miracle.

I think it's the utilitarian nature of a workout that lets me unapologetically carve out one hour a day that is solely for myself. "I can take this time" the reasoning goes "because it serves a useful and healthful purpose." Working out and getting my heart rate up to 160 bpm's doesn't feel indulgent the way a pedicure does. I suppose this is a hurdle I need to get better at leaping, being kinder to myself I mean. It can't all be free weights and elipticals all the time.

Current Workout Song Obsession: She's a Beauty, The Tubes
[Yeah I KNOW. But we all got singing this one morning when it came on at the club and we had such a laugh that just hearing it just puts a smile on my face. ]
15 min mile pace: 3.8
Jar Opening Propensity: Hot water no longer required.

I Got 99 Problems but an Eliptical Machine Ain't One

Ah January.

How thouest hast kickest my ass.

My mood this past month has basically been either

Bored
Cold
Sad
Tired
All of the above.

Writing here has been next to impossible given the demands at work, but slowly things are easing off. I have an awesome new hire to replace the Employee From Hell, my boss gets back early February and mid-month we have a couple of new interns starting for ten weeks. I shall shortly be experiencing the joys of actually being on a team and not doing the work of three people.

I also am no longer on contract and have my role permanently. I also got a raise. Given the state of this economy, I'm very happy about and grateful for both.

In the meantime, I went and got a sleep test in early December. This week I got the results and they show that there is nothing physiology wrong [i.e. restless legs syndrome or sleep apnea - thank God!] but when they measured my brain waves it showed that have something called Sleep Fragmentation. I get next to nowhere near the required amount of deep sleep and as I move from one phase of sleep to the next, my brain essentially "reboots" and goes back to the beginning as it were.

So I have a medication to take every night for eight weeks and the hope is that this is all I have to do. Essentially the medication will help retrain my brain to transition through the sleep phases normally. A few years ago I never would have countenanced such a step, as the idea of taking a presriptive medication for sleep would have struck me as a bit extreme. I wasn't someone who saw myself as having sleep problems per se. But after nearly 8 years of not having had a solid night's sleep, and having tried everything else, I was more open to it.

The result is that since taking the medication for five nights now, for five nights I have slept right through until morning and have woke up feeling like I've actually slept. Frankly, it's a revelation.

Workouts also continue to go well and I am now in the "burn" phase where the intensity is seriously picking up. I got measured on Friday. I havent' lost any weight, in fact I've gained four pounds and my waist size has increased, But ALL my other measurements have come down, which proves that I am building muscle with my weight training. My clothes are also more slack, and I'll getting a cool indent at the top of my arm as muscles develop.

My trainer thinks my work stress and lack of good sleep is contributing to my lack of weight loss overall and it's still early days yet. She's not worried since I am generally on track. Now that my sleep is better, the results I hope, will be better next month when we check in again.

I have to admit though, there was a part of me that early on, thought I just couldn't do this. It was a needling little fear that I decided to ignore and I concentrated on just putting one foot in front of the other, just doing something however little, on a consistent basis, day by day. I promised myself that if nothing else, I would show up, that baby steps were enough.

But now suddenly, all the sweating and aches and shoe horned rises out of bed early in a winter morning seem to be paying off. All of a sudden, walking into a regular sized clothing store and buying off the rack one day seems a distinct possibility for my future. So does running a 10K and dancing in a musical and biking in France.

Current Workout Song Obsession: I Didn't Mean to Turn You On, Mariah Carey, Glitter
15 min mile pace: 3.8
Jar Opening Propensity: Pretty damn good.

PS. Her producer/boyfriend at the beginning cracks me up every time.

Alive and Kicking

I have to admit it. I hit the wall this morning.

The decline started yesterday. I just felt completely demoralized and frankly, over worked. My mind is a runaway train these days. Too much to do and not enough time to get it done. Every day I cut bait. Every day I settle for a substandard outcome. Right now, I simply aim for what is accomplishable. It won’t last forever. It never does. And perspective is everything. I could be in Haiti.

But ah yesterday. Yesterday was a nag. I was tired and strung out. At one point I thought a major project had gone off the rails and then a new minor one landed on my plate. There was too much pressing on my brain.

So I arrived for my work out this morning coming out of my second night of sleeping badly. I hadn’t done cardio the day before. I think it would have damn near killed me.

In the midst of trying to get everything done, I had spent the better part of yesterday morning at the dentist. I was getting evaluated for orthodontics of some kind because the hygienist at my previous check up had noticed I had ridges on the outside of my tongue. Apparently, this is typically a sign that the tongue doesn’t have enough room to sit properly and that it is pressing too hard against the sides of the teeth. The evaluation yesterday showed that not only are there are a number of issues with the structure of my jaw, and that I may also have sleep apnea.

So Monday I go back to the dentist for about an hour and a half of additional in depth tests. Then I’m back in two weeks to get the definitive recommendation on what could be done. And this means I have to do my workout with Debbie after work, which won’t be too bad.

This morning was tough but I had some great moments too. For example, I hit the treadmill and was able to get to my target heart rate much more quickly. I also noticed that my calf muscles didn’t hurt anywhere near as much. For nearly full on 15 minutes I kept up the pace.

Then we went to do weights. Today was going to be a legs and core day. After my first two sets, I suddenly felt a wave of nausea. Any strength I had just left me. Debbie stopped me and got me walking around slowly and drinking water.

“Have you been eating?”

“Yes.”

“How’s your sleep been lately?”

“Terrible.”

“Ah. Ok.”

So Debbie recalibrated my routine so it was less intense. I walked out feeling like I’d still gotten some benefit, but I was glad to be done.

Clearly I’d had enough this week, but here’s the thing. I’ve made more progress in a week than I typically would make on my own. I feel tired, but better. I feel strength starting to creep back into my bones and frankly, it's been a long time since I felt that way. I’m not necessarily interested in treating myself with kit gloves. I want to get going. I’ve had to wait too long for this.

So here’s to an easy weekend of good food, good rest, a massage and Twilight with Ragdoll on Sunday. Woot! Woot!

Weekly Progress:

Workout song obsession: Black Sweat – Prince
15 min mile pace: 3.5
Jar Opening Propensity: Easier



prince - black sweat
by eikichi

Workin' It

Well he thought he was gonna die and he didn't.
And she thought she just couldn't cope and she did.
And we thought it would be so hard and it wasn't.
It wasn't easy though.

-- Kate Bush, "Walk Straight Down the Middle"

Well I had my first "offishal" workout yesterday and it went very well. I felt good afterwards, like I'd worked hard, but at the same time I wasn't ready to keel over. This morning I'm sore, but again, not too bad. Debbie my trainer is awesome. I really like her a lot and she has such a lovely spirit.

At one point I was doing my second round of bicep curls and she said "Well. Looks like I've got a little soldier on my hands here." Heh!

The only drawback is that I currently look like this in my workout gear:

Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays

"The road will be long. The climb will be steep." - President Elect Barack Obama

"My ass will be throbbing." - Zesty

Buy up stocks in Epsom salts companies y'all. This week I did something I had always wanted to do. I hired a personal trainer.

For the next seven months I'll be working out regularly with "Debbie", three times a week the first eight weeks, twice a week the remaining weeks after that with another cycle through the program and another bought of 3 and 2 times a week intervals.

My muscles hurt just thinking about it.

But here's the thing; I'm not getting any younger and despite not wanting to spend my thirties overweight, that's exactly what has happened so far. I seemed to have conquered my weight as an issue in my life by my late twenties, but looking back now, I see that wasn't the case really. I still had some fundamental health problems and just wasn't dealing with other things as constructively as I could have.

Collapsing when I was 28 and not getting back to work for over a year didn't help either. It's been a long slog back the last decade, but now that both my iron and vitamin D levels are in the low normal range, I've been feeling a lot better generally. I've still been feeling worn down with work, but there's a minor consolation in feeling tired because your pace is ballistic, versus just being tired, period. It's occurred to me lately how much better I could be handling all of this if I were more fit.

My physicality is still the one remaining "issue" in my life. I'm tired of having a body I can't count on, and given that I don't have any major chronic ailments to contend with, there's no reason I should feel that way. The only person holding me back is me.

And I suppose that's what I'm ready to deal with. Yes, I've had compelling deficiencies to deal with [most of my life if you ask me. My doctor thinks I just have a body that doesn't uptake iron or most other nutrients "well"], but the time has now come to move forward. Despite all the grand ambitions I've ever had for myself, there is still a part of me that thinks I can't.

That's what I really need to deal with. It's a difficult thing for me to admit, but the results speak for themselves. Despite how competent and intelligent I am in most other areas of my life, my body says otherwise and I need to reckon with the choices that have got me to this point. It isn't all my fault, but I'm not blameless either.

When I first looked into personal training, my inner critic inevitably started chatting. All the reasons not to do it were mentally indexed and readily available. But there was another part of me that was stronger this time, another voice I rarely hear, a part of myself saying this is not who you are. You can change this. You need to change this.

When I met with "Linda" one of the head trainers at my club, she put me through some testing and asked me about my goals.

Goals seemed a bit redundant after the BMI machine spat out a reciept saying I was 44% body fat.

44. That is the number that cancer, heart attacks, stroke, arthritis and diabetes are made of. It's the number assigned to never being able to wear clothes I like or feeling good in a bathing suit.

"What about running a 5K?"

"What?"

Linda looked me in the eye. "Well you just said you'd always wanted to run. Why don't we make running a 5K by next summer one of your goals?"

I must have had the same look my cats have when I've placed a substandard brand of wet food before them.

"A 5K. By next summer."

"Sure." Linda replied. "It's totally doable. It isn't some pipe dream." She wrote it down on my list of goals, then paused. "Is there some other goal you'd like to attain?"

A voice that was not mine said "I want to take hip hop dance classes."

"Yup. What else." Linda kept writing.

The voice continued

"I want to look hot."
"I want to sleep right through the night." and in my head it just kept going.

I want to garden early mornings in the summer before work. I want to take flamenco dance classes too. Screw the 5K. I want to run a marathon. I want to learn how to surf. I want to hike the Southern Upland Way in Scotland. "

I walked out of the club on Monday floating. Everything seemed possible, but there was the not so minor consideration of cost. The Marine and I talked, and we decided we could do it, but by Wednesday morning, I'd spent a sleepless Tuesday night worrying about it. It just seemed a bridge too far.

I sent Linda an email. Then I lamented with Ragdoll on G-chat. [Thanks for that chicka.]

Then Linda sent an email back. The club has a policy of always planning to goals initially, but there were some other options. Would I meet with her again?

So I did, and I walked out of the club Thursday night having signed on for a package that was workable and completely affordable. It means I have a Level 1 trainer instead of a Level 4, but Linda will be supervising my program and more importantly I can get started now.

Debbie called me yesterday to get things set up. For the next eight weeks at 7:15 am, I'll be training with her Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

"Where should I meet you." I asked, "At the front?"

"Sure." Debbie replied. "I'm a tall black girl about 5'7" with short hair."

"Cool." I said. "I'm a short chubby white girl about 5"4' with brown hair."

Debbie laughed. "Oh Zesty," she said "I like you already."

Recovering

Spent the better part of last week at a work conference. It was a brutal week of 7 a.m. starts, 8 p.m. finishes and then trips to work to stay on top of things and getting out by 11 p.m.

The conference itself veered between inspirational and nails on a chalk board and with a move of furniture to contend with yesterday, I've spent the better part of today parking my butt on the couch and watching television. Thank God daylight savings ended. That extra hour of sleep is a Godsend.

I'm Walkin', Yes Indeed

My latest circumstances just go to show that the Law of Attraction can at times come back to bite you in the ass. You'll recall my disdain for public transit. Well about a week later, the Marine's car completely crapped out which means I am now without a vehicle. Lord knows it's a nice to have for me, not a must have like it is for the Marine.

I signed up for zipcar to tide me over, and I'm going to see about getting a car in the spring. I've been doing some research to see what I could get and I think I'll definitely get something smaller.

I'm looking at this as a character building exercise. One of the things I prize above all is my independence, particularly of the vehicular variety and I hate to be without it. At the same time, I keep thinking about polar bears that have to swim so much further than they used to because the icecap is melting and the fact that right now, I can easily walk or transit to work.

Which brings me to two of my promised missives: A Journey of 10,000 steps begins with but a single pedometer and What a difference a shoe makes...

A couple of weeks ago I treated myself to a new pair of running shoes from the Running Room. The other ones I had were good, but they were cheap ass, some addidas shoes I'd picked up for a song at a Sears sale. Walking on the treadmill was starting to crush the outside toes on my left foot, culminating in my ankle swelling up so badly that I couldn't strap on my sandle. Hurt like a bugger too. I decided that some bargains just weren't worth it.

The sales attendant brought out four different pairs and it was amazing how different they all were. In the end, I went with the first pair, Asics, that literally make me feel like I'm walking on a cloud. At the same time, I bought a pedometer and determined over the course of the next few days that to get to the recommended 10,000 steps per day, I essentially need to walk to and from work, or just over a mile.

I was doing quite well until the bladder infection kicked in, so I'm anxious to get over this sinus infection/cough thingie I now have and get back into it. I need to regain some sense of physical strength. I remember a time when I biked all over the city without a second thought, or breath for that matter.

But despite feeling crappy and having work bear down on me as I prepare for vacation, I'm finding I'm not giving in to old habits. I'm still on my gluten free diet and I've been able to cut out quite a bit of milk as well. I'm trying to get back on the allergy avoidance wagon. Between that, my continued recovery from anemia and some rest this coming week, I'm confident I'll feel better. Even tonight, when I'd had a long day and felt like I'd been hit with a shovel, I walked to the grocery store and got transit home. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but for someone like me for whom the simple can be herculean at times, it was nice not needing to hail a cab because I was exhausted. It was nice to feel that I wasn't letting things slip just because the road has gotten a little bumpy lately.

One Foot In Front of the Other

"And I ran, I ran so far away." - A Flock of Seagulls

So off I went to the wellness breakfast this morning. It was very interesting to say the least, which was heartening after the minor anxiety attack I experienced as I hammered on the door to reception trying to get somebody, anybody to see I was there and standing outside in minus eleven weather.

Yes the weather honeymoon we've been experiencing is definitely over. We've had no days below zero and whammo! Ice storm Monday and cool temps today. I bonded somewhat with Big Berry yesterday. Shuggy had to go to the vet to get his teeth cleaned. I tried not to dwell on the fact that Cookie was supposed to be at this appointment too. The snow and ice were lashing and it took me 15 minutes to get the car ready for the road. With my pilates class on Saturday my arms were screaming for mercy after all the scraping.

Agony y'all. Agony.

Anyway, the four wheel drive essentially paid for itself, plus I got every green light imaginable. That never happens, not even on a Sunday. Shugmiester and I were in full effect.

At any rate, this running club sounds like it might just be my cup of tea. You can power walk if you like. The whole idea is to just have women make a commitment to show up and work at their own level. It's a little out of the budget but I may do it anyway. It would probably help with my stress levels at the moment.

Work is the usual high responsibility/low autonomy mix I deal oh-so-well with and my sinuses rage on. Ultimately you can just do what you can. I'm keeping on keeping on. I made an appointment with my ENT doc for early February and I'm seeing my naturopath this week. I'm getting more sleep and not eating so much crap.

Oh and the Marine wanted me to show you this. It's a pick of Shuggy doing his best "aliens among us" imitation. I'd like to say the setting is from a horror film but it is in fact our basement. As for the bust, well the Marine has that penchant many men have for picking up things from the side of the road that people have tossed, because you know, a BUST is of so much use to us. Although he completely scared the living crap out of me one day by poking its head slowly around the fridge. That was pretty damn funny. In the end, the Marine took it to a friend in Kensington Market. They were ecstatic about having it. Funnily enough, I felt the same way about having it outta ma damn house.