Watch This Space

Currently contending with a hand mauled by a cat. Long story.

Will post soon.

Full Disclosure

Ok. So there is a posting coming. Of mammoth proportions.

But not today because a cat has mauled my left hand all to shit.

Watch this space.

Still De-Fluing

Still.

Flu 2.0

I woke up today feeling so much better, but I've been exhausted and shaky. I'm really glad I don't deal with any serious chronic physical conditions of any kind. One benefit of being ill is how immeasurably grateful it makes you to be well again.

D'Oh!

Damn. Broke my posting streak yesterday.

I've been off work all week with flu 2.0 and I remembered last night that I hadn't done a post. Unfortunately it was just before bedtime. I just couldn't be bothered.  I was so tired.

So here we are. Back in the saddle.

Portrait

Had to take the day off work today and am still trying to get over being ill. But I don't want to break my posting streak. I decided to post this, because I think it is beautiful. Apparently this currently resides at the St. Louis Art Museum. I'd love to see it in person one day.

Jean-Étienne Liotard, Portrait of a Young Woman, late 18th century

Still Posting

More hacking. More coughing. Still posting.

Quote of the Day

" 'No' is your friend. Use it well. Use it wisely. Use it often."

Kids Today

Back at Work

My first week back at work has gone pretty well. It's been very busy, but in a good way. I'm completely off another brand I was working on and have now transitioned to an entirely different team. It's amazing the difference in how you feel about your work when it's a better fit for you.

I've felt tired this week, but it's the tiredness that comes with being busy and not drained. It's a good development. I really like the people I work with, it's collaborative, supportive and I'm learning a good deal. I'm hoping this will give me a bit of time to catch my breath and really think about next steps. I want to be a bit more thoughtful about my career in the longer term and how I can build a better life at home that supports my creativity.

It's step by step right now. Slow going, but all in the right direction.

Gleaning Butterflies

This is a picture I've always adored. It's called The Young Gleaner or The Butterflies by Paul Peel. It resides at the Art Gallery of Ontario and is actually quite a large painting. I remember being shocked by how vividly colourful it was the first time I saw it.

I don't think posting it here can do it justice, but the way light is captured in this painting is incredible. I think, well speculate really, that it has something to do with the artist's use of shadow. You can feel the heat of the sun when you look at this picture and almost sense a light breeze. And I love how relaxed the little girl is, how entranced she is by the butterflies. 

It's sky and sand, wildflowers and the simple beauty of a summer's day. Indigo would have loved it.

Aretha

This came on shuffle today while driving in the car. I love it.

Lost Cause

I hate lost causes. It's just not in my nature to quit and walk away from things. It's why I tried for so long to to be an actress. It's why I still live in my wreck of a house, because I honestly believe I'll have enough money to fix it up one day.

But with people I struggle. I have a tendency to think too well of people and sometimes don't necessarily see what's really going on. Or I do see what's going on but think a situation will change, that some revelation will alter the course of events.

It's hard to move on. It's hard to completely walk away sometimes. There's this unreasonable part of me that will forever believe most situations are salvageable and can be wrapped up nicely and neatly.

But not always. Endurance has its merits. But it can sometimes be an act of cowardice to keeping slapping a smile on your face and pretending everything's ok. 

Coffee and Gauntlet Runs

It's been bitterly cold today.

I went out first thing this morning to get a coffee. This is a daily ritual I impose on myself so that I'm forced to interact with the known world. It's a mild inoculate against feeling too isolated or depressed.

But with one bite of the frost, all my plans for today were gone. Suddenly getting a good grocery shop done just wasn't that important. Except it is in the sense that I need to make my eating a bit healthier than it has been. I certainly haven't been eating crap. I just like to eat things I've made for myself. It's healthier and logistically speaking I know exactly what's been used. When I get into these modes of constantly bringing in or eating prepared food, however good the quality, I don't know. There's just something to it, some dynamic that doesn't feel good. I start to feel a bit hollowed out if I do it for too long.

But if I'm honest, I'm feeling down because I'm relishing the return to work tomorrow with the enthusiasm one reserves for a colonoscopy.  And I was contending with some dynamics in my personal life this weekend that once in a while reassert themselves and that frankly anger me because I have to deal with the sheer stupidity of it all.

That was the one great gift of clarity in 2016: the value of distancing myself and getting out of dysfunctional relationships of all kinds really hit home for me. It was as if I'd had time to detox and could, for the first time, really see things clearly and for what they were.

You're not going to like everyone and they won't like you. You can love someone and be incredibly incompatible with them. The moment you're a human being and mess up, not everyone will give you the benefit of the doubt or be able to articulate their needs or emotions like an adult. They'll just see a situation as being your fault.

I used to see these kind of circumstances as a judgement on me of some kind. I've just come to realize it's just life. In the end people do what they want to do and see things the way they want to see them.

But here's another interesting thing, that again, wasn't clear to me until I experienced it.  Yesterday I was listening to a BBC interview with George Michael from 2007/2008 and at one point the interviewer asked him how he got back to writing music and recovering from drug abuse. Michael replied simply that he went through a long enough period where nothing bad happened. He had lost his first real love to AIDS, lost a bitter court battle with his record company and then his mother died - all in the span of three years. And for a time, he said, he just thought that life would always be that way, a miserable gauntlet run that would never end. But it did.

George Michael's observation hit me right in the gut because I realized that's where I'm at right now. It's why I've been feeling more, for lack of a better word, normal than I have in ages. Enough time has passed where nothing bad, really bad, has happened. No pets or people have died. No major relationship has ended. No job has been lost multiple times. Life is just life, variant but manageable.

And it's become clear to me in the settling of all this dust that for a while, I just had to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Being able to remain upright was all I had going for me and that was simply the best I could do. 

So I can think about work tomorrow and feel bummed out about it. But I'm frustrated, not overwhelmed. I don't feel anymore that my current situation is going to be my whole life or that hurtful or annoying situations with people are an indefinite circumstance.  God only knows that more losses are coming as I get older. But I can't help but feel that if I keep going, work hard and have a modicum of faith in myself that some really great things are going to happen as well.

Because as much as I've typed a sentence of that ilk in the past, I actually believe it this time.

Static Cling

I was a little shocked today to find myself looking a bit forward to going back to work on Monday. I don't like my job. It's far too boring. But I do like the people I work with and the sense of progress that getting back into the swing of things gives. It makes me feel like I'm getting somewhere.

Key areas that I've decided to focus on in 2017 are my body and my job situation. I want to lose another 20-30 pounds depending on what's healthy for me and I want to get a new job where I can make more money and do work I find gratifying.

I think part of my problem in this area is that I've always thought work should feel like work. Enjoying it almost feels sacrilegious and I'm now beginning to believe that this mindset has hurt me a great deal. How do I change this? This is a question I need to address.

I think in many ways, I hold myself back. Nobody else, no other thing is in my way but me oftentimes. I want to dig deeper into this mindset this year. I want to understand why I have it and solve it.

I'm also focusing on making my life more comfortable and comforting. My home needs to feel less like something I put up with. And it's getting there. I've made a ton of progress. But one thing I did treat myself to yesterday was a Sterns and Foster pillow and may I just say by God and all the Saints this is literally one of the best things I've ever bought. I had a great night's sleep.

Today I picked up two humidifiers for the house as there is no amount of moisturizer that will help my parched skin. It's winter and the heating is going full bore and there's only so much to be done by slathering on thick creams. I was able to get a couple of super quiet ultrasonic models from Home Depot today and to my delight, the gift card my lovely neighbour had given me earlier this year covered most of the cost.

Here's to less static, on a number of fronts this year.

Errands

Today was one of the best days I've had in ages. I woke up feeling fully recovered from this flu I've had. I just wish I could have felt this way for more of my vacation, but no matter. I feel well and that's what's important.

I was able to get items to Value Village and my papers to the shredding company. Then I picked up some things I needed, a new pillow being one of them. It was a good day of getting things done and feeling on top of things.

And I've been able to keep writing here every day, even if for now, it's just a boring itemization of things I've done. You've got to start somewhere.

It's nice to feel life getting more and more back to normal.

File Versus Shred

I decided to take it easier today as yesterday, though good, had left me feeling pretty exhausted. I expected to wake up feeling worse for wear, but fortunately didn't. I paced myself and got a bunch of chores completed. One was finally going through some papers I'd had in boxes to confirm what was to be shredded and what was to be filed.

It's amazing the things you think are important at the time. The vast majority of what I had could be shredded, just a bunch of useless paper taking up space. It was surprisingly easy to get through it all. That's something I'm learning to acclimate too. Life just isn't so needlessly hard and I can get things done.

That makes other things possible, a thrilling but intimidating proposition.

Belated Christmas

I finally got out today for the first time in nearly 2 weeks. I went up to see my folks and have a belated Christmas dinner and gift exchange. it was really great.

It's been such a surreal experience, being essentially on my own for the duration of my time off. I'm just glad I'm starting to feel a lot better, though I am still very tired.

I was thinking today how much I love the quiet in the city this time of year. Even winter has its consolations.

Faith

I was going through some George Michael videos today on Youtube. The last time he was in Toronto was in July 2008, nearly ten years ago, on his 25Live Tour. What a voice. What a talent.


I was looking at some blog entries from that time. It was a whole other life. So much of what I had then is gone or dismantled. 2008 is as relevant to me now as a lunar landscape.

I've been thinking a lot about George Michael and what he went through in his life. I think sometimes life smooths out our sharp edges too harshly. I think of him as a lonely, talented kid, gaining incredible fame at a young age, feeling he had to hide his sexuality, losing his partner, then losing his mother shortly after and how he generally hated the tenets of fame, the cameras, the attention and felt trapped by it all.

I remember a time when that was what I wanted and felt like it was an answer, that it would fill some hole in my heart. It's probably a good thing it didn't happen to me when I was younger. It would have eaten me alive.

I think we all go through periods that are difficult in our lives, but George Michael seemed to have that experience in a very amplified state. And a result, it created fissures in his heart that never quite healed.  I wish he could have stopped hurting himself. And that's something I'll write more about.

Gratitude

Today I was badgered and heckled by a terrible mood that would not let up. I'm tired of sleeping and walking up feeling exhausted. I'm tired of having no appetite. I'm tired of the crazy cat I'm fostering who won't stop farting (that's another blog entry.)

By any objective standard, being really sick over holidays of any kind just sucks. And I was really REALLY looking forward to this break for a long time. Two years ago Indigo died. Last year I spent most of December recovering from emergency gallbladder surgery. This year, I am employed full time and had some vacation to carry over into the New Year. "Great," I thought, "this will be a really good break."

Instead, on December 23rd I started to cough and by Saturday morning, had a fever of 101 degrees. And that was that. I've been home ever since and will finally get to see my parents on Wednesday for an overdue Christmas celebration. So far, I've spent this entire holiday, sick, worn out and alone.

I was finally able to get out today for a couple of hours and finish my Christmas shopping. Two hours was more than enough. Two hours felt like six. But still, it was nice to return to the land of living. Given how easily I can get into a bad funk and stay there, I decided to focus my thoughts on those things that I was grateful for despite my current circumstances.

I like doing this because it is a great way for me to refocus my thoughts and not dwell on the negative. I walk an emotional tightrope, one in which I try to acknowledge and give voice to my emotions, whatever they may be. I think this is good and healthy. Unrelenting positivism is as bad as negativity. It's important to understand and acknowledge everything you're feeling.Feelings aren't good or bad, they just are.  But like a good buffet, it's important not to stay in one place too long. You just end up overstuffed and unhappy.

So in no particular order, here are the things I decided I was grateful for today:

I get to see my parents on Wednesday to celebrate a belated Christmas. Some people love their parents very much and don't have them in their lives anymore. Some people spend every Christmas alone and have nobody to care for or celebrate with them.

I'm employed full time. I really felt for the contractors at my office this year because I've been there, heading into a Christmas break where the office is closed and I'll have no money coming in or the certainty of a contract renewal in the New Year. Not fun. This year I have a job, however imperfect, and for the most part can pay my bills.

I've been sick, but I've also been on vacation. This means that I've been able to get as much rest as I want without feeling under pressure to get back to the office asap. I've been able to focus on just getting well.

I was able to get caught up on some chores and despite being sick my house hasn't gone to hell in a hand basket. Disorder stresses me out so I've been grateful to be able to keep on top of things.

I've watched a lot of great television. So far, I've discovered some series I've really enjoyed and have been able to watch a ton of TV to pass the time being sick. That's no small thing when you're too sick to peruse social media or read.

Quiet. I've really had a lot of peace and quiet the last while. I really needed to experience this so I could recharge.  My job is noisy and bustling and pulls me in a bunch of different directions all day long. It's been marvelous to just not have to do or say anything, to just be still.

This blog entry. I honestly didn't think I'd get this done today, but proved myself wrong.

A Little Voice

I'm going to give this a try.

It's a New Year. Like many people I know, it was a new year that I was decidedly glad to see arrive.

2016 felt like a slog. I can't even say it was a bad year, discounting of course the unrelenting loss of celebrities and rock stars that seemed to happen every other week. But no, it wasn't that bad a year. In fact, a lot in my life got better or mercifully didn't regress and get worse. It had its share of disappointments, things I didn't see coming or didn't have the wherewithal to foresee. But nothing insurmountable, nothing irrecoverable.

And so what? I'm still here. I'm still hopeful my life is going to get better. I'm still hopeful I'll get better at seeing all the good things I already have in it.

So as I sat on the couch today, navigating day 10 of recovery from an awful flu, I took it into my head to start writing here again.  And then a little voice said "Do it every day. For a year."

I'm not sure I can. I'm not even sure I want to. There's part of me that doesn't want to be on the internet at all. And yet I feel I'm losing part of myself when I don't write. And writing has been really really hard the last few years.

I wonder if it would have helped? In a way, I'm glad I don't have everything that's happened documented. It's not stuff I want to relive. And yet having something to look back on is important sometimes, if for no other reason than that it creates a memorial of sorts, a testament to what happened, a corralling of it in the past.

So I'm going to write every day in 2017. I'm going to fence this year in and find out later what doing so will mean.

I don't think I can do it.