Randomness

"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. By God, you learn." ~ C.S. Lewis

A new year is almost upon us. For me, 2010 has been inspiring and utterly heartbreaking all at the same time. I feel like I have learned a lot about myself, that I have grown up in some very meaningful ways and am better prepared for the future. In others I feel very childlike, as if I am ambling like a toddler through a terrain with which others are already well acquainted.

I am trying to sort myself out.

* * *

Since my last posting, I did manage to get back to yoga. The first two weeks after my bad respiratory virus, I did restorative yoga on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The Tuesday night class was more active, with 20 minutes of poses and I was very heartened when my teacher noted that I was a lot stronger since I last saw her. I have to admit, it was a great feeling to barrel through poses I had struggled with in the past, to experience them in a completely different way.

The Thursday night class was more passive in the sense that you have a practitioner working with you to move you through all the poses and stretches. There's atmospheric music, blankets, aromatherapy and comfy padding. It's totally deluxe and I feel like I've had a full body massage by the time I'm done.

I lasted two weeks of doing Tuesday and Thursday yoga as well as weight training and then the pace of things started to get to me. It was tough getting home late five nights a week and I had to ease it back in order to keep going.

Post holiday budget armageddon, I'm hoping I have enough money to book more classes and get into some more active yoga. It's a good counter to my weight training and cardio [such as it is these days.] It balances me out and makes me feel good about myself.

* * *

I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't discouraged by my weight right now. I'm discouraged in the sense that I'm still not at a normal weight and can't wear clothes I want to wear. Plus I'm impatient by nature, so this only compounds things. I've just accepted this and acknowledged it, but at the same time have also focused mental energy on the positive things I have accomplished in the past year. Some of these things include:

Being able to military press 50 lbs. I can't remember my rep count on this, but it was definitely more than five reps and a personal best.

I went from 24 sits up on an exercise ball damn well near killing me to being able to hold myself up in a "V" position [bent knees] while my trainer throws me a 12 lb medicine ball from both sides. I do two sets of 15 reps both sides.

The Return to the Land of Normal - This marked the first year I could shop for clothing in a lot of normal sized stores. Granted, I fit into their large and extra large sizes, but they are not plus size stores. I also bought new winter boots today, boots that I love and that wouldn't have fit over my ankles a year ago. I'm down three full sizes. It's nice to have options.

* * *

I had brunch with Indigo last weekend at Nadege and as always, parted from her company feeling inspired. I went across the street to the Japanese Paper Place and bought myself a couple of pink mole skin note books for me to start using during my training. I'm going to start writing down what I do so I can keep track of it myself. Obviously my trainer does this already, but I find that things just aren't sticking in my brain. I don't have the level of competence yet to be able to say "I'm going to train this, this and this today at these weights..." This is the next logical step for me. Indigo was talking about how she tracks her physical progress in writing and makes notes of her goals, so I decided I would do the same.

* * *

I've stumbled across a theme lately in blogs, articles and the like that I've been reading. They're written by women who are recollecting the power of their youth and beauty in some respect and how they are feeling the loss of these things or a if not an outright loss, at least a transitioning away from these things to another phase in their life in which other things are more important.

I don't remember my youth as a time of power in any real respect. I remember a sort of blind hope and optimistic feeling about my future, a sense that somehow I would be able to stumble along, figure it all out somehow and get to where I wanted to go, that unique giddiness one feels when you know there is more time ahead of you then behind.

But powerful? No. Beautiful? No.

It's the latter in particular that keeps coming up; women noticing they don't get checked out as much as they used to or not having a tummy as effortlessly tight and flat as it was when they were in their twenties. I have to say I just can't relate to this at all, at least not right now, where I am and based on my experiences. It's only in retrospect that I realize there were men in my past that were attracted me. But I certainly didn't think at the time that I had beauty that could get me any thing, any man or get me ahead in any respect. And I certainly didn't feel strong physically.

I suppose if being overweight has any gift, it's that you learn to rely on more internal measures to get what you want out of life. But the price you pay, at least as I see it, is that the full cross section of experience is closed off to you. That's what a big part of my personal training has been about, getting myself back into my whole body, not just living from the collar bone up.

Still, it's all well and good to be able to climb Mt. Kilamanjaro if I want to, but fitting into a size 10 dress would be nice too.

* * *

I got a new car a couple of weeks ago. It's a 2011 Subaru Impreza and I love it. I just couldn't take another winter of worrying about another major repair bill. I'd rather know what I'm paying month to month and have big repairs covered by a warranty. I'm glad I did it and I'll worry about what I'll do with the buyback 3 years from now. Although it's an automatic, and not as engaging to drive as my Forester, I have to admit that overall I'm just physically more comfortable in my new car. I think my legs are perhaps too short to drive manual well in that I always seemed to be so far forward.

It's also amazed me how much joy a purely material and utilitarian possession can give.

* * *

I want to write here about my trips to Scotland this year and about my uncle. But not yet.

* * *

I've been having some strange dreams this week, almost like I have been mentally cleaning house. I have to admit, I've awoken feeling lighter the last couple of days.

In one I saw my maternal Grandfather. He died when I was 17 and I have never dreamed of him. [I do believe I saw his ghost once but that's another story.] Anyway, my grandfather was sitting at a table and smiled when he saw me. I could hear my Granny talking in the background and I was just so happy to be with them both.

In another dream, the first man I ever loved turned to me and kissed me. Afterward, he said that he was sorry for having hurt me.

Back on the Grid

This past week I was ill, as ill as I've been in quite some time. I thought my bout last year was bad, but whatever it is I caught, left last year's episode in the dust.

The week prior I had been to Scotland. Again! I was able to go with my parents and we stayed in a great apartment in Kelvingrove. It's a funny thing. I hadn't been to Scotland since 1994 and this year I got to go twice. If anything, it's convinced me that regular visits there need to be a part of my life from now on.

So I came back feeling really refreshed, despite jet lag that never entirely resolved itself and then WHAMMO! Congestive Armageddon.

So I've got some catching up to do in terms of my workouts. The nurse practitioner I saw said that I would be out of the contagious phase in three days, but essentially coughing for two weeks. I'm going to ease back into my routine as best I can and I've scheduled two restorative yoga classes to go to in between training days. I've missed my Thursday yoga since our office move and I need to start doing it again.

And for now, well that's about it. Not much to report. I suppose I just wanted to try and get back into a routine here too.

Summer Nights

There's something about the combination of cigarette smoke and womens' perfume in warm night air that is quintessentially summer. I've been out more in the last two weekends it seems, than I have in the last two summers combined, and on both occasions I've experienced summer nights drenched in smoke, scent and the lush rustle of trees. It's reminded how much of myself I am reclaiming back.

You forget about things. You forget about sitting on patios and how good an ice cold beer goes down around midnight while you listen to the gadget reviews tech geeks are conducting over malt while drunk girls talk to each other in their best aristocratic English accents. You forget about after dinner walking with a friend on closed shopfront streets and marveling over gorgeous shoes, then heading up to Chinatown to play "guess that smell" navigating restaurant garbage.

You forget the joys of afternoon tea and talk with a friend.

You forget. And thankfully, you can remember.

I sometimes shake my head in wonderment that I have gotten here. For so long it seemed impossible. It was impossible. But at some point I just put my head down and kept going, thinking that I'd eventually look up one day and find myself in a different place. What this approach lacks in coordination it makes up for in sheer pragmatism.

I have a lot further to go, destinations I can see off in the distance, places I have been to before as well as the new and unfamiliar. Sometimes I think possibility isn't everything; it's the only thing.

Better Songs to Sing

Had my first fitness progress check in ages yesterday. I found it heartening, but ultimately anti-climatic.

The good news…

I have lost 16 pounds of fat.
I have gained 5 pounds of muscle
I’ve lost about 5 inches from my waist and that’s with the usual mid month bloat.
I can do 100 squats with flawless form albeit labored breathing by the 60-something mark.
I am almost at the norm for ab strength, quite an accomplishment given 25 crunches on the ball used to damn well near kill me.
I did a push up test and am in the “good” range. It’s the first time in my life I’ve been classified as “good” at anything remotely athletic.

On the frustrating side…

I’m still in the 200s weight wise. I am less than 10 pounds away from being out of “the twos” and it’s immensely annoying to still be there after working so hard for nearly a year.

I am this close to a size 14. Not bad considering I used to be a 20, but again, 14 is decidedly back in the land of normal and I’d like to definitively be there, versus still having a muffin top when I wear size 14 pants.

I’m not comfortable wearing dresses or skirts just yet. I still feel like my legs are too chunky. I would love to wear dresses and skirts and high heels again.

It’s not that I don’t feel I’ve made progress, quite the opposite. The day-to-day of my life feels completely different. So many things are easier and my workouts have been a great source of solace in the past year. At least three times a week, I carve out time for myself and usually I have to be so engaged in what I’m doing that I don’t have time to be concerned about anything other than the next rep. It’s a great mental release from my thoughts about a person or pet that has died, or the next thing at work I need to get completed.

I guess the reason there’s no “ta da!” here is that I’ve made fitness more a part of who I am and what I do versus being a goal to achieve in and of itself. It’s not as if you lose all the weight you want to lose, or get back into that little black dress and then you’re done. There is always the next challenge, the next target to hit.

I’ve been amazed at what my body has been capable of and how it’s improved. I remember when a 3.0 walking pace on the treadmill used to make my lower legs acidic with pain. Now I bang out 4 minutes of running at 5.3 to warm up and think nothing of it. It’s not easy, but it’s not ridiculously hard either.

I guess fundamentally, I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I’ve gone through what I’ve gone through the past year and didn’t stop trying to improve myself. Other than a week’s illness, a week’s vacation and a couple of really tired days, I have worked out a minimum of three times a week consistently, and that’s with an iron deficiency and trying to get a sleep disorder remedied. That ain’t too shabby.

Still as Willy Russell would say, there are “better songs than this” to sing.

I’d like to continue my training to the point where I don’t need a trainer anymore and can train myself .

I want to walk into a clothing store and not worry about whether anything will fit or not. A couple of weeks ago I experienced the sheer joy of putting something back on the rack because I thought it was too expensive, not because I knew it wouldn’t fit.

I want to get an agent and do voice over work full time.

My first trainer was right. You are always stronger than you think. It hasn’t been easy going to my fitness club looking the way I have and still do. I still feel judged. It’s the essential irony of being overweight. I think people, particularly men, view you as out of control and not really having your shit together or being able to take care of yourself.

I’ve exhausted myself the past decade trying to take care of myself. Having to be in the world as an overweight person has given me reservoirs of emotional endurance and independence of which others can only dream. The only difference between me and an alcoholic, workaholic, whatever-holic is that the toll life is taking is written on my body. Try holding down a job chronically sleep deprived. It’s not exactly the domain of scatterbrained pussies.

If intention and discipline were all it took to lose weight, I’d be anoxeric by now. The difference this time around is that I have continued to make my intention actionable. I kept going no matter what, and that is what has made all the difference. I decided last year to take my life back and I have.

I remember my current trainer telling me at the beginning of our working together, that small dietary changes and the consistency of working out combined with time will always bring results. He was absolutely right.

I’m going to start fine tuning things. I want to see what else I can do.

And Then There Were Three

I've been thinking a lot about writing here. Obviously I haven't and that's because frankly, the last while has been a bit of a shit storm in my life. Something in my brain buckled, and I couldn't put a keystroke to screen until now.

The last time I wrote here, I had come through a relentless summer and fall. Ragdoll had been deathly ill, I had found out my first boyfriend had died, my grandmother died and Shuggy our cat died.

In February, our cat Neko died. In March, my youngest Uncle on my mother's side passed away suddenly due to a pulmonary embolism. Two weeks ago our cat Chudleigh died.

I'm now left with our three little cats, Lolly, Jerry and Possil. And I say "I'm" because my relationship with the Marine is also coming to an end. Nothing I've ever said about him here has changed. I mention our parting because contextually, I want future blogs to make sense. I'll say no more about it.

Some things are just too precious for the internet.

I'll Be Back

Hi y'all. Long time, no blog. I know, I know.

It hasn't been on purpose, trust.

I'm off to Glasgow in a week so when I return, I plan to get back into things here.

Chipping Away

I haven't been here much and haven't been reading much online either. I don't mean for this to happen, but sometimes my schedule allows for work, workouts, a facebook posting and that's about it. Plus, as I've been making my way out of depression and into a different and frankly, more normal way of living, I find I'm more inclined to get out and get groceries, read a good book, or see a friend for brunch or dinner. I feel as if I'm becoming a part of the world again, versus hiding from it or trying to make it smaller and more manageable, and I just want to take time for myself. I need to get my house in order, literally and metaphorically and it's going to take a while to balance things out.

I find it comes down to little things, chipping away at it, maintaining consistency and then adding just a little bit more as time goes by. I'm now working out with my trainer three times plus doing additional cardio at least twice every week. This past week I started following an eating plan and buying groceries in advance so I could bring all my meals to work in a cooler. The money it's saving is ridiculous. I've started doing a little bit of cleaning every night instead of letting things build up and it turning into a massive undertaking. Not that you can see the difference, but I feel it, and that's what counts.

The Marine is about 2 weeks away from finishing the basement. I went down and had a look tonight and it's truly amazing what he's accomplished on his own.

And I'm now a red head.

My Latest Work

A post is enroute, but in the meantime, I thought I would post my latest voice over work. It was a privilege to be associated with a book of such caliber.

People's Parties

All the people at this party
They've got a lot of style
They've got stamps of many countries
They've got passport smiles
Some are friendly
Some are cutting
Some are watching it from the wings
Some are standing in the centre
Giving to get something

Photo Beauty gets attention
Then her eye paint's running down
She's got a rose in her teeth
And a lampshade crown
One minute she's so happy
Then she's crying on someone's knee
Saying laughing and crying
You know it's the same release

I told you when I met you
I was crazy
Cry for us all Beauty
Cry for Eddie in the corner
Thinking he's nobody
And Jack behind his joker
And stone-cold Grace behind her fan
And me in my frightened silence
Thinking I don't understand

I feel like I'm sleeping
Can you wake me?
You seem to have a broader sensibility
I'm just living on nerves and feelings
With a weak and a lazy mind
And coming to peoples parties
Fumbling deaf dumb and blind

I wish I had more sense of humor
Keeping the sadness at bay
Throwing the lightness on these things
Laughing it all away
Laughing it alI away
Laughing it all away

~ Joni Mitchell

Books, Reps, Discomfort

I'm trying to get back into a groove writing here, even though I don't feel I have much to say at the moment. The discipline of regular writing is important to me. In fact it's the reason I even started this blog, with the hope that one day, the random thoughts and musings I post here would morph into the wherewithal to do a book.

I'm beginning to feel that this is the year for that to happen and that I can begin the process of cobbling something together. I have so many ideas swirling around in my head, that I don't really know where to begin, so the second challenge will be focusing my efforts on the actual story to tell.

My workout today went much better for me. I suppose they're mundane to read about, but for me it's important to note them. They do feel monumental at times, getting through a session where my muscles are burning and I don't think I can do one more rep, but then I do it anyway, only to rest a bit so I can do another set all over again.

I remember in the fall driving home after work one night and thinking to myself that this was really my time, that I was actually going to meet my physical goals. I felt mentally prepared for the challenge and after meeting my new trainer, just had a gut feeling that we were sympatico and that he was the person who had the knowledge to get me where I wanted to be, just like my
previous trainer was the right person at the right time as well. She really helped me get my head around the notion that physically, I was a lot stronger than I thought. And when she left my club, it was a real surrender of control for me to trust her judgement and refer me to a new trainer. Usually I'd be setting up a series of interviews.

Now I'm in unfamiliar territory. I'm not fit yet, or even overly strong, but I'm the strongest I've ever been and it feels good, but strange. I can feel parts of my psyche kicking and screaming in protest, making me stop when I probably could go on, making me doubt myself before I even try. It's amazing how patterns of behavior and thought can take you over.

I'm just trying to take pride in my accomplishments thus far and to a great degree, get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I' have a lot further to go, so I better get used to the concept. These biceps ain't curling themselves.

Lurching Into January

"A long December
and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last." ~ Counting Crows

December was a knuckle down kind of month for me. I found myself tired and a bit melancholy at the end of November, but despite this, some of the Christmas cheer got through to me, and I had a nice holiday.

Work was relentless and so were my workouts, but I kept going as I always do. The Marine made good progress on the basement and we are almost there. I even bought a Christmas tree as I blasted through all my shopping on the 24th, which is the way to go if you know exactly what you want to get and where. I don't think I waited in line more than five minutes anywhere I went and the presents seemed to go down very well with everyone, which always makes me happy.

I even had time to do a CD compilation, something I try to do every year, but don't always get to and certainly didn't last year. [If you want one let me know.] People seemed to have really appreciated this more personal kind of gift in the sense that it's a little more reflective of me. I'd been working on it since October, first choosing about 25 songs, then whittling the list down to CD length and redoing the order once the transitions were what I wanted.

I also discovered in December that my iron stores had gotten too low again, and this time my doctor put me on prescription iron supplements, something no other doctor has done. Two weeks later, I'm starting to feel a big difference and I'm no longer panting at the top of a flight of stairs as if I had just sprinted up them.

All that being said, my work out didn't go too well today. I woke up feeling tired and "buggy", as if I was fighting something off. I ended up cutting my workout short, something I've never done before. I'd just had it and felt as if my pilot light was out. I'm hoping that a couple of good night's sleeps helps rectify the situation.

I also cleaned off the bomb site that was my desk today and feel overall that I'm getting back on top of things. It was a nice feeling after a weekend out with friends at brunches and movies and the like. I hadn't had such a fun weekend in a long time. I was also able to buy jeans that were one size smaller. Progress, however small, is always nice.

And well, that's me then.

Happy New Year

Well, it's been a while, I know. I'm hoping to get back in the swing of things here shortly.

Hope 2010 is good to ya.