The chill during rehearsal Sunday caught up with me today. I awoke around 5 a.m. with my throat entertaining an itch, as if someone was lightly drawing a toothpick along the back of my throat. I managed to get back to sleep, but sneezed myself awake. A good night’s sleep and a hot bath should put things to right soon enough. I feel run down, but not sick if that makes any sense. Plus, I don’t have rehearsal until Thursday so I should be able to regroup. After that I’m full on right until show time.
I came back to work today to a nice surprise. My boss had gotten me an Itunes certificate so I was able to purchase the soundtrack for Starter for 10. It’s another one of James McAvoy’s movies that I would highly recommend. Granted, it’s somewhat formulaic [new freshman adrift at Uni feels conflicted in love and has a crisis of confidence] but it’s so funny, so well acted and has such a killer soundtrack that it manages to make a standard story soar. And the scene where McAvoy’s character Brian Jackson goes to the Tarts and Vicars party and dances in the doorway is worth the rental cost of the DVD alone. It’s pure and endearingly high comedy people.
Anyway, the soundtrack contains some of my favourite 80’s joints: The Hurting by Tears for Fears, Long Hot Summer by the Style Council, Love My Way by the Psychedelic Furs and the always classic Situation by Yaz. Listening to them as I partook of my umpteenth lozenge today made me somewhat nostalgic and conflicted.
I had a job interview on Friday for a gig in another division. It appeals and despite being a mat leave, would provide a lot of challenge and good career progression. Plus I wouldn’t have to leave a company I really like working for. My artistic ambitions aside, I’ve decided not to let my current career flounder, but I’m still a little torn because I really like the people I work with.
But I felt today like I feel most days at work: bored and tired. And I’m hoping that today, it was just because I’m fighting off a cold.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Hello? Is There Anybody Out There?
Where did everybody go? There's been no comments here for days and everybody's blogs aren't getting updated. Y'all get on a cruise or something? LOL.
Anyway, had another rehearsal today. As usual I dreaded it and as usual it was fine. Just can't quite get out of this mode yet, but I'm getting there. I've just had a rough few days with matters of a feminine nature, and when I awoke this morning, [very late I might add] I didn't relish 4 hours in an unheated rehearsal space. Plus I'm not prepared. I was running low last week so really wasn't as prepared as I needed to be.
The ultimate mortification occurred when my fellow actress spotted some big dod of cat fur on my shirt. I'd put my clothing away, yet someone somehow made a bed of it. And I was in such a rush to get to rehearsal on time that I didn't do my usual roller sticky activity that I just do by default. And my director was sniffly cause she's allergic to cats.
Say it with me now: OH.MAH.GUH.
Anyway, I still feel really positive about the show. So funny this push and pull I have between loving it but not wanting to go at the same time. Quite bizarre. There's another production on at Alumnae Theatre that really appeals too, but it's rehearsal will start when I'm still in performance for this. So I'm getting too enthusiastic.
Still....
Anyway, had another rehearsal today. As usual I dreaded it and as usual it was fine. Just can't quite get out of this mode yet, but I'm getting there. I've just had a rough few days with matters of a feminine nature, and when I awoke this morning, [very late I might add] I didn't relish 4 hours in an unheated rehearsal space. Plus I'm not prepared. I was running low last week so really wasn't as prepared as I needed to be.
The ultimate mortification occurred when my fellow actress spotted some big dod of cat fur on my shirt. I'd put my clothing away, yet someone somehow made a bed of it. And I was in such a rush to get to rehearsal on time that I didn't do my usual roller sticky activity that I just do by default. And my director was sniffly cause she's allergic to cats.
Say it with me now: OH.MAH.GUH.
Anyway, I still feel really positive about the show. So funny this push and pull I have between loving it but not wanting to go at the same time. Quite bizarre. There's another production on at Alumnae Theatre that really appeals too, but it's rehearsal will start when I'm still in performance for this. So I'm getting too enthusiastic.
Still....
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thursday
Had my first real rehearsal last night. We got through an incredible amount of work and already we were starting to gel. I really have a good feeling about this show and although I think it will be a lot of work, I think it will be a really rewarding experience.
Saw the clairvoyant yesterday. Last year's visit was very specific in what she said. This year she said it's like I took everything to heart and really worked on it because my energy was "sparkly". LOL. It took her a second to recognize me. Makes sense to me as this time last year I basically felt like I was in rehab.
This session was more about general stuff.
Writing - yes.
Acting - yes.
She said I need to pursue these things and that I have the potential to go very far. There's a book I'm wanting to write with an angel as its main character. She said I absolutely had to do this, that everything was already in place and that the exercise would be almost one of divination versus creation. She said that I have a very strong angel energy, "just angels, angels, angels, but you have one in particular who's your guide."
She said that this is the time for me to really focus on who I am and what I want, in the sense that I need to focus on what's true for me.
It was definitely a lovely session.
At one point she said "I'm sorry I'm doing a lot of the talking here and it seems to be very general, but really I'm just getting bombarded with this stuff. It's like you're in the right place and you just need to keep all this stuff in mind as you move forward."
Then I spent the afternoon with my Mum having a cup of tea and gabbing. Then it was home for a quick nap and then rehearsal.
Oh this whirlwind life of psychics, tea and theater that I lead. LOL.
Saw the clairvoyant yesterday. Last year's visit was very specific in what she said. This year she said it's like I took everything to heart and really worked on it because my energy was "sparkly". LOL. It took her a second to recognize me. Makes sense to me as this time last year I basically felt like I was in rehab.
This session was more about general stuff.
Writing - yes.
Acting - yes.
She said I need to pursue these things and that I have the potential to go very far. There's a book I'm wanting to write with an angel as its main character. She said I absolutely had to do this, that everything was already in place and that the exercise would be almost one of divination versus creation. She said that I have a very strong angel energy, "just angels, angels, angels, but you have one in particular who's your guide."
She said that this is the time for me to really focus on who I am and what I want, in the sense that I need to focus on what's true for me.
It was definitely a lovely session.
At one point she said "I'm sorry I'm doing a lot of the talking here and it seems to be very general, but really I'm just getting bombarded with this stuff. It's like you're in the right place and you just need to keep all this stuff in mind as you move forward."
Then I spent the afternoon with my Mum having a cup of tea and gabbing. Then it was home for a quick nap and then rehearsal.
Oh this whirlwind life of psychics, tea and theater that I lead. LOL.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
The Year of Living Zestifully
I find that when I go on vacation, my body's natural inclination is to go to sleep at 12:30 a.m./1 a.m. and then wake up at 9ish. I was puttering around just after midnight when I realized it was a year ago today that I had to have Cookie put to sleep. Well let me be more accurate. I chose to have Cookie put to sleep. It was the first time where I was not reacting to a crisis with one of my cats, either trying to prevent death or getting over a sudden one. This was an altogether different space, a space in which I had the power to choose what would happen next.
And so I did and inevitably, the doubts that hindsight creates have appeared haphazardly ever since like the buses on an unreliable route. It's the decisions before the decision that haunt me. He was at the emergency vet for three days. Should I have taken him home? Yes I should have done this. He was lonely, he was scared. I accelerated the unavoidable outcome. I could have at least bought more time, time that would have been comfortable for him. No I shouldn't have taken him home. He was suffering. He couldn't breathe properly. He needed care until we knew exactly what we were dealing with. I was there when it counted, when Cookie let me know with a look that I was doing the right thing.
This event, as insignificant as it may seem to some, was the kick off to my 2007, to what was one the longest years of my life in all the best and worst ways. I had sensed for some time prior to it [and not without relief] that my life was certainly, finally, entering a period of transition. For too long, I had been in an unchanging wilderness of fatigue and denied dreams, crushed hopes and absent opportunity, seemingly impotent to change any of it. And this period felt so prolonged that when I sensed my own destiny was being handed back to me, I felt no unease. Something, anything unknown was better than what I knew, which is not something I can easily say about myself.
We are strange creatures in this respect, so doggedly hanging on to the certainty of knowing our circumstances, where things stand, what's what. It is our essential conundrum. Nature has made change vital to our existence and yet has bestowed us with an ingrained aversion to it. At times we are even repulsed by the prospect that what seems so real, so soaked in our very skin can and is subject to augmentation at any time - by people, by events, by illness, by the simple day-to-day of being alive. Yesterday was this. Today is now that.
I once read an article in Chatelaine about a female paramedic. The writer made a wonderful observation of his subject that his stayed with me ever since. He noted that despite the fact that his subject had seen and been through some awful things, she had emerged "burnished, not burned." That is the best you can ask for as you navigate through the valleys, peaks and benign flatlands of your existence, that your burnished, essential and hopefully better self continually emerges
That is what I hope for as I focus on trying to do and be better now that I am able to move forward. I can't let any aspect of myself stagnate. The best must be nurtured; the worst made better. I am learning that if I keep my focus on this principle, life hurts less or at least, its hurts are excised that much sooner and make their demarcation on my landscape, a reference point to visit later when I'm not sure what to do.
In some ways, I hope that 2008 isn't another variation of 2007. I had some incredible highs - getting cast in a show, getting paid as an actress, finally getting anemia and a vitamin deficiency diagnosed and getting better as a result of treatment, my mother's leukemia remission. But it had incredible lows as well - the relentless day-after-day, month-after-month of traversing the passive/aggressive minefield of my office, not getting the benefit of the doubt from friends when it counted the most, seeing my mother struggle through chemo and being powerless to relieve her of any of its effects.
There's a certain comfort in dullness, in a day or week where nothing of consequence happens. But that's not living and if 2008 does bring 2007's second act, so be it. I have learned enough now to know that you can't hold anything, that clenching your fist under a tap doesn't stop the water flowing down the drain.
Let it come. My aim is to be burnished and not burned. A little singed now and again, but not burned.
I hope.
And so I did and inevitably, the doubts that hindsight creates have appeared haphazardly ever since like the buses on an unreliable route. It's the decisions before the decision that haunt me. He was at the emergency vet for three days. Should I have taken him home? Yes I should have done this. He was lonely, he was scared. I accelerated the unavoidable outcome. I could have at least bought more time, time that would have been comfortable for him. No I shouldn't have taken him home. He was suffering. He couldn't breathe properly. He needed care until we knew exactly what we were dealing with. I was there when it counted, when Cookie let me know with a look that I was doing the right thing.
This event, as insignificant as it may seem to some, was the kick off to my 2007, to what was one the longest years of my life in all the best and worst ways. I had sensed for some time prior to it [and not without relief] that my life was certainly, finally, entering a period of transition. For too long, I had been in an unchanging wilderness of fatigue and denied dreams, crushed hopes and absent opportunity, seemingly impotent to change any of it. And this period felt so prolonged that when I sensed my own destiny was being handed back to me, I felt no unease. Something, anything unknown was better than what I knew, which is not something I can easily say about myself.
We are strange creatures in this respect, so doggedly hanging on to the certainty of knowing our circumstances, where things stand, what's what. It is our essential conundrum. Nature has made change vital to our existence and yet has bestowed us with an ingrained aversion to it. At times we are even repulsed by the prospect that what seems so real, so soaked in our very skin can and is subject to augmentation at any time - by people, by events, by illness, by the simple day-to-day of being alive. Yesterday was this. Today is now that.
I once read an article in Chatelaine about a female paramedic. The writer made a wonderful observation of his subject that his stayed with me ever since. He noted that despite the fact that his subject had seen and been through some awful things, she had emerged "burnished, not burned." That is the best you can ask for as you navigate through the valleys, peaks and benign flatlands of your existence, that your burnished, essential and hopefully better self continually emerges
That is what I hope for as I focus on trying to do and be better now that I am able to move forward. I can't let any aspect of myself stagnate. The best must be nurtured; the worst made better. I am learning that if I keep my focus on this principle, life hurts less or at least, its hurts are excised that much sooner and make their demarcation on my landscape, a reference point to visit later when I'm not sure what to do.
In some ways, I hope that 2008 isn't another variation of 2007. I had some incredible highs - getting cast in a show, getting paid as an actress, finally getting anemia and a vitamin deficiency diagnosed and getting better as a result of treatment, my mother's leukemia remission. But it had incredible lows as well - the relentless day-after-day, month-after-month of traversing the passive/aggressive minefield of my office, not getting the benefit of the doubt from friends when it counted the most, seeing my mother struggle through chemo and being powerless to relieve her of any of its effects.
There's a certain comfort in dullness, in a day or week where nothing of consequence happens. But that's not living and if 2008 does bring 2007's second act, so be it. I have learned enough now to know that you can't hold anything, that clenching your fist under a tap doesn't stop the water flowing down the drain.
Let it come. My aim is to be burnished and not burned. A little singed now and again, but not burned.
I hope.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Buster Brown Redux
Re: my hair, the Marine thinks I look more like this:
Had a visit this morning with Manny, God of Osteopathy and I feel like a new woman. He's in Yorkville, one of the "hoity toity" areas of town, and I always like parking on Hazleton Lane because one it's free and two it's beautiful. I left early this morning just to give myself enough time to find a parking spot. We're in our yearly January thaw, but this year it's crazy - a high of 12 degrees Celcius. Typically it only nudges above zero.
So being early, I just sat in the car for a while and watched the world go by. I saw a gardener trundling by with hedge clippers and a small, wippet of a man delivering dry cleaning to a home. All this while reveling in the soothing sound of falling rain on the car roof [in the month of January no less] and relishing the fact I wasn't at work and actually had a moment to take in this small parcel of the world as it went about its business.
In the day to day of work, you accept the rest of the world goes on. It's quite a nice reminder to actually see it doing so. So as I walked to my appointment, past the gutted, mid-reno houses and the corpses of disposed Christmas trees, I felt more committed than ever to my goals this year.
Here's to an office free future.
Had a visit this morning with Manny, God of Osteopathy and I feel like a new woman. He's in Yorkville, one of the "hoity toity" areas of town, and I always like parking on Hazleton Lane because one it's free and two it's beautiful. I left early this morning just to give myself enough time to find a parking spot. We're in our yearly January thaw, but this year it's crazy - a high of 12 degrees Celcius. Typically it only nudges above zero.
So being early, I just sat in the car for a while and watched the world go by. I saw a gardener trundling by with hedge clippers and a small, wippet of a man delivering dry cleaning to a home. All this while reveling in the soothing sound of falling rain on the car roof [in the month of January no less] and relishing the fact I wasn't at work and actually had a moment to take in this small parcel of the world as it went about its business.
In the day to day of work, you accept the rest of the world goes on. It's quite a nice reminder to actually see it doing so. So as I walked to my appointment, past the gutted, mid-reno houses and the corpses of disposed Christmas trees, I felt more committed than ever to my goals this year.
Here's to an office free future.
Friday, January 04, 2008
We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Romanship
OK.
Been on vacation this week and have next week off too. I had to spend some time just catching my breath from work craziness and holiday craziness. I've been generally chillin', and avoiding computers like the plague. It's been freakin' awesome.
That being said, thank you for your patience with me. Frankly, I'm gratified that y'all miss me. It would seem that once ya had the Zest, ya can't go back to the rest! LOL!
Ahem.
So I'll be spending the next little while visiting blogs and catching up with everybody. I hope your holidays have been relaxing and your New Year is a great one.
I've been spending most of my time sleeping in, working out and watching movies. I had family from Scotland come over, who I hadn't seen in eight years so it was great to catch up with them. I've recently gotten some voice over work and am hoping to get more. I also start rehearsals for my play next week. For the next two months I'm rehearsing about three times a week.
Already, the stage fright dreams have started. In one of them, I was at the first read through except my play book was the size of War and Peace and everytime I tried to read my lines they went blurry.
Anyway, I think this experience will be tough, but very rewarding and may I just say "Oh God of Iron and Ferritin Counts, hear my prayer" LOL!
Speaking of which, saw the dawktah! about a couple of weeks ago. Iron hasn't moved at all and my Vitamin D actually went down, so I've had to double the dose of everything for the next two months. It seems to really be helping. My doctor just felt that I was using the iron and D up faster than I was taking it in. She seemed a bit concerned but I pointed out that despite what the blood work was showing, I was feeling a helluva lot better, so we had to be doing something right.
ONWARD.
Now since it is the new year, this of course brings us to New Year's Revolutions. Hell, I don't even know what I said last year.
Please hold....
Ok. I had "writing", "singing", "exercise", "renovate the basement", "eat less breaded crap".
Writing
Well again didn't get much done, but I am for sure entering a work in the Toronto Star Short Story Contest. I've got one close to done. Just needs nipping and tucking and they've moved their deadline from end of year to January 18th. Smart move.
Singing
Was too broke to keep up lessons in any meaningful way but I sing all the time so I guess that counts.
Exercise
Well I actually did pretty good on this one. I started working out, had some chest infection issues, ran that down and then got back in the saddle just before Christmas and I've been managing 3-4 days a week.
Renovate the Basement
Yeah. Me and my broke ass are laughing at that one too.
Eat Less Breaded Crap
Again, didn't do too badly here either.
For 2008 [drumroll]
I am getting an acting agent.
I am getting cast in at least one other show/musical.
I am going to pursue more voice over work and will get at least one more paying gig this year.
I am going to continue working out even if I am not seeing any weight loss.
I will take risks based on whether or not they get me closer to my goals versus getting me away from something or out of a situation.
And what the hell, let's get platinum cause it's fun:
I will get an audition for the Stratford Festival [or any other major theatre company] and I will get in.
I will win the Toronto Star Short Story Contest.
If the Stones tour this year, I'll be a back up singer! Heh!
In other Zesty news, I got my haircut today. Now I look like this:
Been on vacation this week and have next week off too. I had to spend some time just catching my breath from work craziness and holiday craziness. I've been generally chillin', and avoiding computers like the plague. It's been freakin' awesome.
That being said, thank you for your patience with me. Frankly, I'm gratified that y'all miss me. It would seem that once ya had the Zest, ya can't go back to the rest! LOL!
Ahem.
So I'll be spending the next little while visiting blogs and catching up with everybody. I hope your holidays have been relaxing and your New Year is a great one.
I've been spending most of my time sleeping in, working out and watching movies. I had family from Scotland come over, who I hadn't seen in eight years so it was great to catch up with them. I've recently gotten some voice over work and am hoping to get more. I also start rehearsals for my play next week. For the next two months I'm rehearsing about three times a week.
Already, the stage fright dreams have started. In one of them, I was at the first read through except my play book was the size of War and Peace and everytime I tried to read my lines they went blurry.
Anyway, I think this experience will be tough, but very rewarding and may I just say "Oh God of Iron and Ferritin Counts, hear my prayer" LOL!
Speaking of which, saw the dawktah! about a couple of weeks ago. Iron hasn't moved at all and my Vitamin D actually went down, so I've had to double the dose of everything for the next two months. It seems to really be helping. My doctor just felt that I was using the iron and D up faster than I was taking it in. She seemed a bit concerned but I pointed out that despite what the blood work was showing, I was feeling a helluva lot better, so we had to be doing something right.
ONWARD.
Now since it is the new year, this of course brings us to New Year's Revolutions. Hell, I don't even know what I said last year.
Please hold....
Ok. I had "writing", "singing", "exercise", "renovate the basement", "eat less breaded crap".
Writing
Well again didn't get much done, but I am for sure entering a work in the Toronto Star Short Story Contest. I've got one close to done. Just needs nipping and tucking and they've moved their deadline from end of year to January 18th. Smart move.
Singing
Was too broke to keep up lessons in any meaningful way but I sing all the time so I guess that counts.
Exercise
Well I actually did pretty good on this one. I started working out, had some chest infection issues, ran that down and then got back in the saddle just before Christmas and I've been managing 3-4 days a week.
Renovate the Basement
Yeah. Me and my broke ass are laughing at that one too.
Eat Less Breaded Crap
Again, didn't do too badly here either.
For 2008 [drumroll]
I am getting an acting agent.
I am getting cast in at least one other show/musical.
I am going to pursue more voice over work and will get at least one more paying gig this year.
I am going to continue working out even if I am not seeing any weight loss.
I will take risks based on whether or not they get me closer to my goals versus getting me away from something or out of a situation.
And what the hell, let's get platinum cause it's fun:
I will get an audition for the Stratford Festival [or any other major theatre company] and I will get in.
I will win the Toronto Star Short Story Contest.
If the Stones tour this year, I'll be a back up singer! Heh!
In other Zesty news, I got my haircut today. Now I look like this:
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Happy New Year!
Hope you had a good New Year's and may 2008 bring you all you wish yourself, as my Granny would say.
I'm still in a bit of a daze. Will try to write soon.
I'm still in a bit of a daze. Will try to write soon.
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