Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Keeping My Nose Clean
I am craving potato chips.
Today was one of corporate decadence. I went home for lunch, despite bringing it in with me in the first place. I really should go home for lunch more often.
In 40 minutes I had put laundry on, rinsed my sinuses, heated up my lunch and partook of it while watching as much as I could of an episode of Rome. I felt like I'd been out of the office for hours and it was just the tonic I needed for an upcoming meeting I had upon my return.
It went Oh. Kay. It's interesting to be the new/temp person, trying to navigate the minefield of agendas, but at the same time not really having to care since I'm basically done in less than a year. Still there are times where I want to yell "For God's sake trust me! I know what I"m doing here people!"
I can understand it. The company and in particular the people I work with have been through a lot in the last few months. I'm just trying to roll with things and have asked my manager for help working through it.
As I like to say, "Go in positive. Come OUT negative." LOL!
Oh and despite my declarations to the contrary, I sent my resume in for an audition. Kind of hoping they don't get in touch, but I couldn't help myself. Is that weird?
Today was one of corporate decadence. I went home for lunch, despite bringing it in with me in the first place. I really should go home for lunch more often.
In 40 minutes I had put laundry on, rinsed my sinuses, heated up my lunch and partook of it while watching as much as I could of an episode of Rome. I felt like I'd been out of the office for hours and it was just the tonic I needed for an upcoming meeting I had upon my return.
It went Oh. Kay. It's interesting to be the new/temp person, trying to navigate the minefield of agendas, but at the same time not really having to care since I'm basically done in less than a year. Still there are times where I want to yell "For God's sake trust me! I know what I"m doing here people!"
I can understand it. The company and in particular the people I work with have been through a lot in the last few months. I'm just trying to roll with things and have asked my manager for help working through it.
As I like to say, "Go in positive. Come OUT negative." LOL!
Oh and despite my declarations to the contrary, I sent my resume in for an audition. Kind of hoping they don't get in touch, but I couldn't help myself. Is that weird?
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Take This Job and Shove It
As you know, I’ve been running quite ill the last while. But if I’m honest, I also don’t think I’ve been writing here as often because sometimes I get in bad funks. If I’m going to write here, I want to do so honestly, but within reason. I’m not the type to use this space as an online journal. That’s not my thing. But I don’t want to be disingenuous either. So even if I’ve got some funny story about the book store I could recount, there are times where I really feel like I’m splintering and that overwhelms my psyche at times to the exclusion of all else.
As a result, I don’t write, because I don’t want to whine online. But I started this blog to keep myself writing, and stopping for long periods isn’t good either. Hence I shall try and strike more of a balance.
So with that in mind...
It occurred to me last night that one of my great failings is that I have great reservoirs of endurance, but not of adaptation. I was almost frantic at the thought of coming back in to work today. I suppose three weeks of feeling like crap while trying to appear like I had some semblance of skill caught up with me. Having had four full days away from work, made me even less enthusiastic about returning.
But I started asking myself why I keep going through this cycle. When I step back and look at things in their own right, they’re not overly bad. Yes the workload is a lot. Yes a certain co-worker can be taxing on my nerves because we are different, but at the same time is extremely talented and fundamentally a good person. Yes, there is a lot of flux at the moment due to a restructuring.
But so what? It’s not like any of the above factors is catastrophic. It’s not as if this is my life. Why in essence, do I find it so hard to just deal?
Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve been “just dealing” with things as long as I can remember and this gets back to my point of endurance versus adaptation. I can never seem to make the leap and fully engage with things. My reaction to inefficiencies is on an anaphylactic level. It seems that because I don’t ever fully buy in to this corporate gig, I’m always working with my nose against the glass, peering in on a world I’m entrenched in, yet want no part of.
Ragdoll and I talked about this and she said that it’s fundamentally not what I want, should or am meant to be doing, therefore it’s taking a logical depressive toll. This in turn makes me feel guilty. It’s not as if I have a bad job, far from it. I could be crawling out of a hut to go work in a rice field all day. So there I am, rolling all this around in my head, never really discharging from it all when the weekend hits, all wound up inside at the thought of wasting my life investing so much time in something I just don’t care about and yet feeling guilty about that because I could have a job decidedly higher on the suck scale.
I can’t be the only one who feels this way, and yet everyone else seems better able to adapt, to just accept this as a part of life and roll with it.
What am I trying to say? I don’t know. All I know at this point is that I have wanted out of “the corporation” since the moment I walked into it. And there are days where I am genuinely scared that I’ll never find the reserves to finish the book, play or whatever that could be my ticket out, and that I’ll be stuck here another 20 years.
As a result, I don’t write, because I don’t want to whine online. But I started this blog to keep myself writing, and stopping for long periods isn’t good either. Hence I shall try and strike more of a balance.
So with that in mind...
It occurred to me last night that one of my great failings is that I have great reservoirs of endurance, but not of adaptation. I was almost frantic at the thought of coming back in to work today. I suppose three weeks of feeling like crap while trying to appear like I had some semblance of skill caught up with me. Having had four full days away from work, made me even less enthusiastic about returning.
But I started asking myself why I keep going through this cycle. When I step back and look at things in their own right, they’re not overly bad. Yes the workload is a lot. Yes a certain co-worker can be taxing on my nerves because we are different, but at the same time is extremely talented and fundamentally a good person. Yes, there is a lot of flux at the moment due to a restructuring.
But so what? It’s not like any of the above factors is catastrophic. It’s not as if this is my life. Why in essence, do I find it so hard to just deal?
Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve been “just dealing” with things as long as I can remember and this gets back to my point of endurance versus adaptation. I can never seem to make the leap and fully engage with things. My reaction to inefficiencies is on an anaphylactic level. It seems that because I don’t ever fully buy in to this corporate gig, I’m always working with my nose against the glass, peering in on a world I’m entrenched in, yet want no part of.
Ragdoll and I talked about this and she said that it’s fundamentally not what I want, should or am meant to be doing, therefore it’s taking a logical depressive toll. This in turn makes me feel guilty. It’s not as if I have a bad job, far from it. I could be crawling out of a hut to go work in a rice field all day. So there I am, rolling all this around in my head, never really discharging from it all when the weekend hits, all wound up inside at the thought of wasting my life investing so much time in something I just don’t care about and yet feeling guilty about that because I could have a job decidedly higher on the suck scale.
I can’t be the only one who feels this way, and yet everyone else seems better able to adapt, to just accept this as a part of life and roll with it.
What am I trying to say? I don’t know. All I know at this point is that I have wanted out of “the corporation” since the moment I walked into it. And there are days where I am genuinely scared that I’ll never find the reserves to finish the book, play or whatever that could be my ticket out, and that I’ll be stuck here another 20 years.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Surfacing
Today was Victoria Day here in Canada [read: Long Weekend] and in an act of desperation or perhaps self-preservation, I requested and got, Friday off as a vacation day. As a result, I've had four good days of rest.
Spring has a death grip on our province. It's been rainy and cool for weeks now, but there's no snow so don't hear me complaining. This is probably the coldest Victoria Day Weekend I can remember, which was just as well because I spent most of it sleeping. As a result, this is the most human I've felt in about three weeks.
Yesterday was really the only day of consequence. The Marine and I went out to brunch at a really nice place on Roncesvalles Avenue in Toronto called the Freshwood Grill. The food is great, but they pack you in like sardines, and we had the misfortune of being sat next to a very loud talker of woman. The Marine was near demented by the end of our meal.
We also had torrential rain, but nonetheless, we ventured north to Brampton to check in on my parents house as they are away on a trip to Italy at the moment with the Dumbarton Mob Elders. Funny, my home town was always a place I thought I'd leave behind, but I'm always going there.
At any rate, prior to my folks house, we checked in at the Dollarama and Value Village Thrift Store. I don't think there's anything quite so uniquely depressing as hearing songs you loved as a kid while you're in a bargain store.
Eventually we arrived at my folks house. The Marine checked the sink traps for my Mother's wedding ring - she lost this a while ago unfortunately - and I picked up the mail, got a cup of tea, napped and then watered the plants.
After that, we went to the grocery store to stock up.
Please, at any time feel free to stop reading if the excitement of this accounting gets to be too much.
I have to admit that it was great to drop a lot of money on groceries. We haven't done that in ages. Then it was off to Walmart because I wanted to get the regular scented Vim scrub which of course they didn't have when they usually do. I got Vim gel all over my hand from a leaky container for my trouble.
Then we came home, made up the pizza we picked up and chilled.
This morning I slept in, got up, slept some more, got dinner and am now typing. Seems a bit of a write off of a weekend, but at least I'm somewhat well again, and I hope the relentlessness that is my new job doesn't knock me back off my feet.
I was going to audition for a show, but I've decided that deep down, I don't want to spend my summer Sundays in rehearsal thanks very much. Between my last show and new job, I feel like I just got out of purgatory. I want to get well, start working out again, lose weight and work on my book. Rehearsals [assuming I get cast in something] can wait until the fall.
As for my job, I'm essentially taking the experience for what it is, learning as much as I can, and making new friends. But essentially, I'm counting the days until the incumbent returns from mat leave.
Spring has a death grip on our province. It's been rainy and cool for weeks now, but there's no snow so don't hear me complaining. This is probably the coldest Victoria Day Weekend I can remember, which was just as well because I spent most of it sleeping. As a result, this is the most human I've felt in about three weeks.
Yesterday was really the only day of consequence. The Marine and I went out to brunch at a really nice place on Roncesvalles Avenue in Toronto called the Freshwood Grill. The food is great, but they pack you in like sardines, and we had the misfortune of being sat next to a very loud talker of woman. The Marine was near demented by the end of our meal.
We also had torrential rain, but nonetheless, we ventured north to Brampton to check in on my parents house as they are away on a trip to Italy at the moment with the Dumbarton Mob Elders. Funny, my home town was always a place I thought I'd leave behind, but I'm always going there.
At any rate, prior to my folks house, we checked in at the Dollarama and Value Village Thrift Store. I don't think there's anything quite so uniquely depressing as hearing songs you loved as a kid while you're in a bargain store.
Eventually we arrived at my folks house. The Marine checked the sink traps for my Mother's wedding ring - she lost this a while ago unfortunately - and I picked up the mail, got a cup of tea, napped and then watered the plants.
After that, we went to the grocery store to stock up.
Please, at any time feel free to stop reading if the excitement of this accounting gets to be too much.
I have to admit that it was great to drop a lot of money on groceries. We haven't done that in ages. Then it was off to Walmart because I wanted to get the regular scented Vim scrub which of course they didn't have when they usually do. I got Vim gel all over my hand from a leaky container for my trouble.
Then we came home, made up the pizza we picked up and chilled.
This morning I slept in, got up, slept some more, got dinner and am now typing. Seems a bit of a write off of a weekend, but at least I'm somewhat well again, and I hope the relentlessness that is my new job doesn't knock me back off my feet.
I was going to audition for a show, but I've decided that deep down, I don't want to spend my summer Sundays in rehearsal thanks very much. Between my last show and new job, I feel like I just got out of purgatory. I want to get well, start working out again, lose weight and work on my book. Rehearsals [assuming I get cast in something] can wait until the fall.
As for my job, I'm essentially taking the experience for what it is, learning as much as I can, and making new friends. But essentially, I'm counting the days until the incumbent returns from mat leave.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Still A Bit Sick
I'd love to be writing more right now, but between work and illness, that's been next to impossible. I'll be back as soon as I can.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
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