Just Sayin'

Kirsten, if you're out there and reading, get in touch. I tried your email and it bounced back. I just wondered how you were doing.

Sometimes the Song Says It Better Than You Can

A Thousand Beautiful Things
By: Annie Lennox

Every day I write the list
Of reasons why I still believe they do exist
(a thousand beautiful things)
And even though it's hard to see
The glass is full and not half empty
(a thousand beautiful things)
So... light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
Never close my eyes

I thank you for the air to breathe
The heart to beat
The eyes to see again
(a thousand beautiful things)
And all the things that's been and done
The battle's won
The good and bad in everyone
(this is mine to remember)

So ...
Here I go again
Singin' by your window
Pickin' up the pieces of what's left to find

The world was meant for you and me
To figure out our destiny
(a thousand beautiful things)
To live
To die
To breathe
To sleep
To try to make your life complete
(yes yes)
So ...
Light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
never close my eyes ...
That is everything I have to say
(that's all I have to say)

Who Knew Detergent Could Cause So Much Trouble?

Quite truthfully, the past week and a half has been the most effed up I've been in quite some time.

I've been trying to adjust to unemployment. It's not great, but hardly grim.

But I was feeling really ill and it had been getting worse. I was having horrendous sneezing fits, swollen eyelids and a never ending tiredness of which 12-14 hours of sleep didn't even crack the surface. At first I put it down to stress. Maybe I was feeling more stressed out about my job loss than I consciously realized. Maybe I had caught a virus. Maybe I was adjusting to being in my home environment more often.

On and on my speculation continued until by Friday, with a constantly running nose, a throbbing, painful right ear and a lesion having developed on the outside of my left one, I managed to secure an appointment with the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office.

She checked me out and confirmed my lymph nodes were up like balloons. Then she asked if we had changed detergents or cleaners lately. I had, about a month ago. She speculated I was having an allergic reaction and advised me to go back to my old detergent and rewash everything. It was either that, or the stress of late had made me prone to a virus.

Two days and several loads of laundry later, my symptoms are already improving. Thank God. I was on the verge of completely losing my shit. I was seriously questioning why with having time off and more sleep then I've had in ages, I was feeling so lousy. I saw a couple of jobs I wanted to apply for but just couldn't get my brain in gear to generate resumes and cover letters for them. Why, I was asking myself, was everything getting so bloody difficult to do? Now I know.

Inflammation is a bitch. I just hope I can get back into gear next week.

That being said, I'm feeling somewhat hesitant. There's a part of me that frankly, just doesn't want to apply for anything right now. I'm quite happy to just stay at home and catch up on my life and the things that are important to me. It's been such a shell shocking last year and a bit. There have been moments where I have to stop and survey the changes. The Maritimer, my grandmother, my uncle and three of my pets are gone. Now so is my job. And while all this has been going on, my relationship with the Marine has been ending. No wonder I just feel like hibernating for a while.

The week did, however, end somewhat well. I'd had an appointment with my naturopath booked for ages, and given the week that was, I decided to keep it. I thought it was for iridology but it was actually for live blood cell microscopy. What can I say? Right now my life is one big brain fart.

Anyway, it's pretty freaky seeing your blood cells milling around doing their thing. We don't think about all the activity constantly going on inside our bodies. And the good news was that despite some minor digestive/absorption issues, my blood was looking really good. It was a big change from when I got microscopy done a few years ago. At that time, things were a mess as far as blood goes: thin blood with cells that clumped together with all sorts of extraneous crap floating along for the ride. Now my blood is for the most part, strong and clean.

So here's to a better week next week. Hopefully my ears will stop ringing soon. It's funny how things work out. Given how I've been feeling, it's probably just as well I didn't get that part.

A Call From Grandpa

My father: And how is school Rosy? I hear you're taking French.

My niece Rosy: Yes I am.

My father: "Est-ce que tu parles français?"

My niece Rosy: [yelling upstairs] Mommy! Grandpa's talking crazy talk!!

My father: I am not talking crazy talk. I am speaking french.

My niece Rosy: [yelling upstairs] Apparently, it's french!

One Door Closes

I have to admit that I've been on the rebound lately, or at least feeling that way. I've been getting into a good routine with things, feeling a bit more on top of my life in general. I've been feeling like I am catching my breath, that maybe the general inertia that I have been fighting against for months due to events in my personal life is starting to lift and I can really get into things the way I want.

These are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. These are the thoughts I had on Tuesday morning of last week, when I went into work and by 10:30 a.m. was heading back to my car. I no longer had a job.

* * *

I think I made them a little uneasy at the termination. The HR person was going over my package. I nodded occasionally at the various details that were going in one ear and out the other, and took sips of coffee from my Starbucks cup.

"You're handling this very well." she remarked.

"Well," I replied "the writing's been on the wall for quite some time."

It was decided I wouldn't tell my team, along with my boss, what had happened. As the HR person pointed out, I was taking things ok, but there was no way to predict how others would react to it, even with me there. Helluva point. My boss would tell them after I had left.

We headed to the elevator. My boss' eyes were on the verge of tears. I stopped and said "Hey. It's ok." and gave her a hug.

* * *

I feel like I've been rear ended. A major part of my life has been stopped mid-stream. I'm just grateful that things were handled as professionally and as kindly as these things can be. And to be completely honest, as I headed back to my car that morning, I felt like I couldn't believe my luck. The universe has a way of conspiring to help you as Paul Coelho so aptly put it. I finally have what deep down I've been craving for so long: time to catch my breath, rest and sort myself out.

* * *

People have asked me if I'm angry. No I am not. Does this suck? Of course it does, but by God, this could be a helluva lot worse. The last time I was off work for an extended period of time, I was sick, with no money, options, experience or network. This experience is the polar opposite of that.

When I dropped off my signed paperwork, I asked the HR person to please pass on to my former boss that I am just fine and will be ok. I also remarked that she has had a very difficult year having to be the face of so much change and terminations at the company. The HR lady replied that my boss had had a difficult year indeed and that my termination in particular she took very hard. Then she hugged me and said "Zesty, as hard as this is, I sincerely hope this is a blessing for you and a launch pad to something even better."

I think it will be.

* * *

I'm exploring some options right now. I'm going to see how much voice work I can drum up and if I can get an agent. And I'm following up with my contacts. I've decided that I'm going to go for more. I want more money and a more senior role. It took a long time to get to this place mentally.

But more on that later.

In the meantime, I'm taking a well bloody earned vacation.

The Randomness Continues...

I had a nice rebound last weekend. I was out doing some shopping and decided to try some stuff on. To my delight, all of it fit. Granted some of it was snug, but the point is I now have a lot more options available to me in terms of clothes, which is a great feeling. Plus I'm able to take advantage of really great sales prices, something I couldn't do before.

Another thing I noticed was after hours of walking around, my feet weren't sore and my legs weren't tired. I really felt in that small moment that all my hard work this past year has paid off. Even though I'm not the size I would like to be and losing weight is still a struggle, I'm getting fitter all the time. I can only think that if I keep going and continue to monitor my eating, that things will take care of themselves.

* * *

Last week at work was tough. Just felt bombarded and demoralized. I've found though that I've gotten much better at just ratcheting myself down. I have to work against the neurological ruts in my brain that default me to a state of anxiety. I've found that simple things like just focusing on my breathing for a few moments really helps. I calm down and regain perspective. I think part of it is that I feel like I'm fighting below my weight. I get bored. By the same token, I don't want more responsibility than I have, in that I feel like the demands of something more senior isn't something I want to take on. I'm grateful for a job, particularly the one I have, and at the same time, am constantly negotiating my resentment of the time it takes up in my life because it's not fundamentally what I want to do. I'm still trying to sort all this out.

* * *

I had an audition for a play a few weeks ago. I really wanted the part. I got called back but ultimately didn't get it. The pisser was, they asked if I wanted to come back and read for the part of the mother. That really ticked me off. I was thinking, ok if I'm good enough to play 25 years beyond my age range, why aren't I good enough for the lead you called me back for? I politely declined, and frankly, it was nice to do so. It was just nice to say I don't want to do this, for no other reason than that I didn't want to do it.

Part of it was my own fault as well. Well not really. I ordered a copy of the play in plenty of time, but Theatrebooks didn't get it in prior to my audition. I did try. I could have gotten to the reference library, but I ended up not doing this for various reasons. I do work full time, am training and otherwise have a busy life. So essentially, I went into the call back and held my own doing cold readings. I also got called back with actresses with a lot more experience.

I'll keep at it, but damn, I really wanted that part.

More Randomness

I just have a bunch of thoughts going through my head lately. I tend to want to write here with a topic in mind, but such is not the case these days, and I'd rather get this stuff out of my head.

* * *

Speaking of which, I bought a "To Do" pad today at Chapters Indigo. It wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but it does have check boxes, which is what I need. I know it sounds strange, but I've realized that I need the visual cue of the box to check off and all my items cordoned off in a specific "To Do" book. I'm wanting to get more disciplined about writing things down, particularly regarding things I have to get done so they don't sit on my brain like an agitated granny. I want to see the whole landscape and prioritize accordingly. That will give me a sense of accomplishment and momentum.

I also got a money tracker book. It's a little notebook of tearaway pages, structured like a match book. All you do is write down at the top what amount of money you have in your wallet, and what you spend on what. That's all I'm doing for now and frankly it's enough. Things seem to move so fast, and next thing you know, 100 dollars has fluttered out of your wallet and you don't know why. I'm tired of having this vague sense of financial blackout. Eventually, I'll transition this approach to my entire budget, starting with my next payday. I can then make a note of everything that comes out, be it bill payments, debit purchases and the like. I'll move on to other more aggressive measures later, but for now this is enough. I've managed to keep my head above water financially speaking despite some very real challenges the last few years. As silly as it sounds, I was so proud of myself when the lease for my new car was approved because my credit rating was still good.

* * *

I suppose the above resonates with me because I always feel like I am living with this general sense of incompetence. The day to day of life has at times, seemed overwhelming. Yet despite everything, I've somehow kept going and kept it together. What I really want for this coming year is the sense of thriving, not just surviving, of feeling that I am on top of things, not just reacting to what is already heading my way.

* * *

I've felt a bit anxious driving around lately. Everyone on the road seems to be in a state of holiday induced rage, or at least impatience. Or it's the opposite; they're driving around in their own little bubble, holding everyone [ok. ME] up. It makes me nuts. The weekend before Christmas, Ragdoll and I went to the mall and were waiting for a parking spot, our signal on. A man pulled up beside us and stole it anyway. What is with people? Why is everyone so self-absorbed?

* * *

I went out with my folks, sis and niece on New Year's Eve to a great Japanese place north of the city. My dad took a picture of my mum and I for his cousin in Australia. He sent it to me this evening. I was delighted to see the re-emergence of my cheek bones. It's nice to see pictures of yourself and like what you see.

* * *

The other day I picked up my usual copy of Oxygen and for the first time, MixMag. I've decided that I'd like to be a DJ, even if it's just part time. It would be a good outlet for me I think as I love music and dancing so much. I get a newsletter from Hay House and they had an article from Joan Borysenko about burn out. She was talking about going back in your mind to the things you loved as a kid as a way to get your energy back. Those neural pathways are still there just waiting to get fired up. I realized that what music does for me is too important for me to not do anything with it. Folks seem to enjoy the mixes I put together, and I think I could really make a go of it. I'm still auditioning for plays and as always, struggling to find time to write any of my books. DJ'ing seems doable.

* * *

I've managed to keep my purse and wallet clean for three weeks and I've realized what the secret is. I throw out receipts. And by throw out I mean put them in the garbage.

I've avoided doing this for years because I feel bad about the environmental impact. I'd put papers and receipts aside for shredding...later. You can see where I'm going with this. Now I'm throwing non-essential receipts out, which other than for warranty purposes, means all of them. It's made all the difference. It's the same with coffee cups. For a while, I had a whole washed out collection of them at the office to take back to Starbucks. You can see where I'm going with this.

So I'll get to the whole paper shredding, recycling bit in due course. I think it's a very very important thing to do. The problem for me is that while I'm trying to do my part for the world's environment, my own has been suffering greatly. This is one key objective for 2011: to get my living environment up to snuff. Paint on the walls, Items organized. Enough already. So for now, to keep my car, purse and wallet functional and clean, all that paper has to go as expeditiously as possible. Next weekend, I'm getting the basement organized. It's the first step to reclaiming my home proper from the clutter I've been in as long as I can remember. It's not healthy, and I don't want to live like this anymore. I want a home that makes me sigh with relief versus exasperation when I walk through the door. I want to have people over, so that I can reciprocate the wonderful hospitality I'm always receiving.

Plus if I generate some garbage, so be it. I'm entitled as much as anyone else to take up a baseline allotment of space and resources in this world.