I Don't Know What To Call This

Right now, I'm listening to an on air tribute to a Toronto DJ, Martin Streek, who committed suicide recently. It's been hard to listen to, because he was such a mainstay of the airways and of my youth in particular. Though he didn't know it, he was company on many weekend travels or more regularly, a Saturday or Sunday night at home. Other times, particularly when I was older, I was happy to stumble across him on the airways. I had no idea he had been let go in May and was no longer on the air.

Obviously that's not the whole story and Martin had other demons he was wrestling with. Still, I have to wonder what leads anybody to the decision to purposefully end their life, what leads them to a point so devoid of hope. I can't say I've been close to this state, but I do understand the notion of wondering why you're here, particularly when you have a condition that skews your perception of the world towards the negative, that by default makes you see everything that is wrong and demands an active effort to see what's right.

I don't think he realized how much he was loved, which is obvious based on all the tributes coming in.

This caps off what hasn't been that good a weekend. The Marine's been away in Tweed at a music festival with his cousin. I don't grudge him this time at all. I just miss him terribly. I've been tired and anxious, missed my r/x Saturday cause I just forgot basically, and paid the price later with an inability to get to sleep and when I did, I had a night of shallow dreaming. I woke at 8 am, thought I'd snooze, and woke up at 130 feeling like half the day was gone, cause in a way it was.

I feel like I'm getting a cold. I suppose I also exhausted myself gardening all day yesterday, but it was a quintessential gardening day weather wise and I couldn't resist. Plus I'm tired of not enjoying the garden in good weather. I'm tired of being a good gardener whose backyard doesn't reflect that. I wanted to unearth, literally, all the treasure that was back there, including the plants I'd gotten from Ragdoll. I want some aspect of my home to feel completed and it is almost there. I just need to sustain the effort to get it done and see the positive - the columbines and poppies blooming, the roses I can now get close to. It'll do.