Wide Awake and Wondering

I woke up early this morning, as I tend to do all the time now, caught in that weird space between edginess and vague terror. Can't seem to shut my brain off these days, there's too much going on.

The play is coming along well and I am almost [almost!] off book, which considering I'm in almost every scene is no small achievement. The major obstacle now at rehearsals is for every one to know it cold, and none of us does yet which means we stumble and lose momentum, but we keep going and it gets better. I suppose what I love and hate about this play is that being involved in it has forced me to not really care about my feelings and just go for it. I don't really have time to get all caught up in my own crap. "Do I look fat in this?" goes out the window when you're in a scene and that other person is relying on you.

That being said, I seem to be showing some cracks. Yesterday, one of the older actresses said to me "Is this the first part this big you've had?" and I said that truly, yes it was but that it wasn't so much rehearsals that were killing me but the combination of that with work right now. She said that's it's a demanding part, and she thought that I was doing a great job and contending with things incredibly well.

To be honest, I had never thought about it that way: "demanding". I suppose I had always broken it down in my head in terms of tasks; x many rehearsals this week, x amount of lines to get under my belt before next rehearsal; try not to keel over! LOL.

But demanding is not something I had really acknowledged I guess, because I was just so happy to get the role. It's almost like I can't allow myself any negative feelings about it, can't jinx things by passing judgement on a wonderful opportunity I've received after the drought I had experienced.

But I would be a liar if I said that there have never been occasions, where I wanted nothing more than a Sunday or evening of unscheduled time. I've just had to put that aside and enjoy being in the moment of things.

"The moment" didn't seem so grand yesterday when we had our costume parade - although there was one moment of extreme hilarity when I donned my blue coat and twenties era hat and walked out into the theatre declaring my name was Paddington and I was lost. A good laugh was had by all as the saying goes.

But being the fat girl is never fun and I've got to get back into working out. I'm trying to cut myself some slack and not beat myself up. I was doing well, then went back to work where everyone was coughing and spluttering. Then I was rehearsing in the winter in unheated space. Then we had three rehearsals in a row. That damn near killed me, and this is the first week since mid-January I feel pretty much 100% again, tired from all the activity I have going on, but still 100%.

So I have to do something I hate doing; think in the short term. I'm a planner by nature. I hate not knowing what's going on, not having all the facts, not knowing the objective and the steps that need to be taken to get there. [Jesus. H. Roosevelt. No wonder my present job has made me mental!] I hate having to be reactionary, because God only knows that will happen anyway, never mind your own disengagement or franticness creating it for you. I have to get to the next visit to the club, the next walk on the tread mill. It's as simple as that. If I focus on how out of shape I am, I just get discouraged. I have to stop getting mad about it too. Some of the reasons behind my weight are my fault; some of them aren't. At the end of the day, the only certainty is that I'm the only one who can solve it. And I know if I focus on the length of the journey ahead, I'll lose my commitment.

And there's my new job. Orientation has been going well, but it's a very different world than what I'm used to. On the upswing, there's a lot of things about my present job that I just won't have to contend with in my new one. Still, I did wonder as I lay wide eyed in the darkness this morning if I had done the right thing or if my discomfort was not a genuine bad gut feel, but more the uncertainty of the unknown.

Sometimes I feel like I would gladly put aside all my ambitions for a year off. There I said it. Really, that's what I want right now. It's what I've wanted for years, just some time to recharge the batteries and not be worried about bills. That's why despite everything I feel incredible freedom with this new gig. The extra money I'm making will let me save.

I'm tired. A year from now my job is over and I'm taking a few months off when it's done before I get back into the swing of things. That's all I know right now. That's what I want.