The Week That Was

So last week was about as much fun as a boil on my a**, hence the lack of blogging. Fortunately I had Friday off and also have Monday off too. I've resigned myself to the fact that until my big project at work is over - probably by the summer sometime - I won't be able to take substantive vacation of any kind. So I'm grabbing the odd long weekend when I can.

Last week seemed interminably long, especially given my previous weekend. Saturday was chore day. I took Cookie to the vet [he was SUCH a good boy. Go Cookie!] saw my friend Berry's new baby girl and then went to see my osteopath. He said that I was doing very very well, and that I didn't have to see him for six weeks.

He also did some deep work on my skull, which left me screwed up for days as I readjusted. Don't get me wrong, I felt great. But I just felt "spinny" for a while.

This didn't help me much the next day at the ballet. Ragdoll took me to see the National Ballet of Canada for my birthday. They performed a series of Balanchine's works, which I really really enjoyed. I probably would have enjoyed it more if the room did not feel like it was spinning everytime I sat down. Usually it's the opposite, you feel weird when you stand up.

Another thing I've noticed about ballets is that dancers like their applause. A. Lot. You clap when they come on, you clap when they finish a section, you clap when they jump, you clap when they finish, you clap when they bow, you clap when the bow again, you clap when they bow for the third time, you clap when the choreographer is brought on stage for yet another bow.

I did still really enjoy it and will probably get a subscription to their upcoming season. It is very inspiring to see other artists at work and you truly feel as if your soul has been fed. Plus it was worth going because I got my niece Rosy this really wicked blue stoned ring that I'm sure she will love.

SEVERE SELF-INDULGENCE ALERT. Please proceed with caution.

Later on I watched the Oscars in their entirety. This is something I have probably not done in over a decade. Why? Well basically because it breaks my heart. Since I came back from acting school in New York City in my early 20's, maintaining my health has been a constant battle. Over the years, going from doctor to doctor, specialist to specialist and reading everything I could get my hands on, I would say I am about 80% of normal and closing in on 100% quickly. But it has been a long hard battle, and has come at the cost of my dreams for myself. I don't know why things transpired as they did, but I did learn a valuable lesson, which is that you can have all the drive, discipline and talent in the world, but it's essentially useless if you don't have any physical energy.

I've spent the better part of a decade having enough energy to get through the day at an office job and that's basically it. It's only in the last few years I've also been able to go to school, get a new job, write freelance, etc. And during all this time, I suppose I should have kept in touch with the local theatre scene, but have in fact avoided it like the plague. Because to be blunt, I can't stand going to productions and seeing sub-par or worse, basically competent performances and all the while be thinking why the hell am I not up there?

It's not that I think I should be there instead of anyone else. I just wonder why I haven't even gotten a shot. That's what galls me. I can handle failing. I can't handle not even getting a chance to try.

And I suppose I'm writing about all this because frankly I'm mad as hell and I just need to vent about it. Afterwards I'll get on with things and try to focus on being grateful for what I do have.

There are days I go to my job, as great as it is, and feel like if I have to think for one more person, if I have to do one more thing for somebody else, I will truly lose my mind. Instead, I try to feel grateful that I'm not crawling out of some hut hoping I don't get killed today, that as a female in this day, age and place I have options my grandmothers only dreamt of, that I work with great people at a job that uses my brain most of the time.

And I'll keep focused on my writing and my singing and taking care of myself. Because I know for sure that I can't handle a lifetime in the corporatesphere. It's never occurred to me to do something I hated for a living. I need to be who I really am and I am not going to sacrfice my dreams to the "real world" or my mortgage or any other goddamned thing. No. I'm going to hang onto my dreams and go after them with everything I have because I have nothing to lose. I know what's going to happen if I don't try. Nothing. I might as well keep going.

I consider the last decade an extended detour. I suspect that whatever I needed from that experience I have gotten. All I know is that I feel the tide turning and that at last, I'm going to get my shot.

And when I do, I'm going to be ready.